“Are you kidding me, Eddie? You joking? You think you’re going to drive seven or eight hours in a row, when you can hardly keep your eyes open? You think we’re going to let you? You’re nuts, man…”
He started whining like a little boy, leaning on me. It was the worst thing that could have happened. I know my limits. Still, he insisted.
“But you got to understand,” he said. “It’s my mother, man. My mother died!”
I looked elsewhere-at the table, at the floor, at the white light waiting for mc by the window-and I stopped myself there. There’s always a brief moment of hypnotic terror that comes when you realize that you’re a rat. It’s a fairly nauseating sensation.
14
I stopped at the first place we found open on the side of the road. I parked the car by the pumps and got out.
In the bar, I had them line up three espressos in front of me. I burned my lips a little, but by then it didn’t make any difference. I was sore all over, not to mention my inflated eyes, at least doubled in volume. The smallest light bulb looked like a supernova to me. Having already gone about ninety hours without sleep, I decided to take a little three-hundred-fifty-mile drive. Was I not brilliant? Did I not have the stuff of which twentieth century heroes are made? Yes, except that I served pizzas for a living, and I didn’t ride with the Hell’s Angels. I was just going to an old lady’s funeral-the death waiting at the end of the journey was not my own. Times had changed.
I started giggling nervously to myself; it was impossible to stop. The guy behind the counter looked at me, worried. To reassure him, I grabbed the salt shaker and a hard-boiled egg and gave him the thumbs-up. I absentmindedly cracked the shell on the counter a little too hard and smashed the whole thing to a pulp in my hand. The guy jumped. I let the hand with all the egg on it drop to my side, and with the other hand I wiped away the tears that had welled up in my eyes. I couldn’t control myself. The guy came and wiped up the mess without saying a word.
I had barely gotten a hold on myself when Betty came and sat down on the stool next to me.
“Hey, you look like you’re in great shape!” she said.
“Yeah, I am. Be fine…”
“Eddie just fell asleep. Poor guy, he wasn’t making it…”
I started giggling again. She looked at me and smiled.
“What’s so funny?”
“Nothing. I’m just beat, that’s all.”
She ordered coffee. I ordered three more. She lit a cigarette.
“I like this,” she said. “Here, with you, in this kind of place. Like we’d just set sail somewhere…”
I knew what she meant, but I didn’t believe in that anymore.
I drank my coffee and gave her a wink. I was too weak to resist.
We went back to the car, clinging together like two sardines under the ice cap.
Bongo came running up to us. The damn dog just about knocked me over in the snow. I must have been walking a little stiff-legged. A gust of wind could have blown me away.
I got back behind the wheel. Eddie was sleeping in the back seat, lying halfway over Lisa’s lap. I shook my head, then turned the ignition. When I think that that idiot was ready to hop in the car by himself… yeah, I could see it all now-facedown, asleep at the wheel; over the little white line, and bye-bye, baby. It irked me. I didn’t ungrit my teeth for quite some time.
A few hours later everyone was sleeping. It was surprising. It was nice out, and the farther down we got the less snow there was. The highway was pretty deserted, and I let myself switch lanes with abandon, to break the monotony. I tried to go over the dotted line without touching the dots. The car pitched gently. I didn’t know whether to watch the time or the mileage to know when we were getting close-I couldn’t decide. The question began to obsess me. I knew there wasn’t time for that. I turned up the radio. Some dude started talking to me in a peaceful voice about the life of Christ-insisting that he had not abandoned us. I hoped he was right, that he had his information straight. The sky was hopelessly empty, there was absolutely no sign of Him. Of course I’d understand completely if he turned his back on us once and for all-anyone would, in his shoes.
I smiled at the little spark in my soul, scarfing down a few crackers to pass the time, one eye on the tachometer. I kept the needle on the edge of the red. I amazed myself, I truly amazed myself. I wondered where I was finding the strength to stay conscious. Of course it’s true that my body was tense, my neck stiff, my jaws sore, and my eyelids burning-but there I was, eyes wide open, going up and down the hills while the time sped by. I stopped and tossed down some more coffee, then took off again, no one so much as stirring. The trip seemed like a life in miniature-the highs and the lows. The scenery changed a bit. Solitude whistled through the small opening in the window.
Betty rolled over in her sleep. I watched her. I didn’t ask myself where I was headed, nor what I was doing with her-it never entered my mind. I’m not the kind of guy who asks himself questions about why he doesn’t ask himself questions. I just liked looking at her. The sun was setting when I stopped for gas. I emptied the ashtray into a little paper bag which I tossed in a garbage can. This guy washed the windshield. I started giggling again for no reason. I pushed back into the seat and dug some change out of my pocket. I gave a fistful to the guy, my eyes tearing. He made a face at me. I wiped my eyes for the next two miles.
Just before we got there I woke everybody up. I asked if they’d all had a good night’s sleep. It was an inconsequential little town with a nice feel to it. We drove through it slowly. Eddie leaned over to show me where to go, and the girls checked their faces in their little mirrors.
It was dark. The streets were wide and clean. Most of the buildings were less than three stories high; it made you feel like you could breathe a little. Eddie motioned for me to stop. We pulled over in front of a piano store. He touched my shoulder.
“She sold pianos,” he said.
I turned around to face him.
“My God,” he added.
We went up to the second floor. I pulled up the rear. The stairway never ended, and the flowered wallpaper made my head spin. There were a few people in the room. I couldn’t see too well because of the dimness-there was maybe one lamp lit, in the corner. They all stood up when they saw Eddie, took his hands and kissed him, saying things in low voices, looking at us over their shoulders. They seemed to be familiar with death. Eddie introduced everyone but I didn’t try to understand who was who, or who I was-I just smiled. The minute I’d parked, I felt how tired I really was. Now I had to try and maneuver a three-hundred pound body around. I didn’t dare lift an arm-I knew it would make me cry.
When everyone went into the room where the wake was, I just followed along without thinking, dragging my heels. I couldn’t see anything, because Eddie threw himself at the bed and his shoulders blocked my view. All I saw were two feet sticking out from under the sheets, like stalagmites. He started crying again. I yawned without meaning to, putting my hand over my mouth just in time. A woman turned around. I closed my eyes.
By chance, I happened to be standing behind everybody else. I backed up a few steps to the edge of the room and leaned myself against the wall, my head down and arms crossed. It felt pretty good and no longer had to struggle to keep my balance. All I had to do was push a little with my legs and everything fell right into place. I heard a slight breathing sound close to me.
I saw myself on the beach in the middle of the night, both feet in the water. I was squinting into the moonlight, when an immense black wave welled up from who knows where, stretching up to the sky with a frothy fringe on top like an army of snakes standing on their tails. It seemed to stand still for a moment, then came crashing down on my head with an icy hiss. I opened my eyes. I’d fallen over a chair on my face. My elbow hurt. The others turned toward me, scowling. I gave Eddie a lost look.
“Sorry,” I said. “I didn’t mean to do that…”
He motioned to me that he understood. I stood up and walked out, closing the door softly behind me. I went
