bad…”
That was all I wanted to know. Things being clear, I went down on her in a way that made my head spin. While we were screwing, I imagined that her IUD was an unhinged door, flapping in the wind.
The next day she went to get tested. The day after that, I stopped in front of a certain kind of store for the first time in my life and did some detailed window-shopping. It was horrible, but I knew that sooner or later I’d have to go in. To get my feet wet, I bought two Oshkosh jammies, one red and one black. The saleswoman assured me that I’d be happy with them-there was absolutely no shrinking.
I spent the rest of the day observing Betty. Her feet were six inches off the ground. I got discreetly plastered while she was making an apple pie. I took out the garbage in the spirit of a Greek tragedy.
Outside, the sky was a dizzying red, the sun’s last rays casting a sequined light. I found my arms twice as tan as before, the hairs nearly blond. It was dinnertime, and there was no one on the street-no one to see what I was doing. There was me, though. I went and crouched down in front of the store window. I smoked a cigarette, soft and sweet. There were a few sounds off in the distance, but the street itself was silent. I let my ashes fall delicately between my feet. Life was no longer absurdly simple-it was horribly complicated, and sometimes very tiring. I grimaced in the sunlight, like someone with ten inches up his ass. I looked until my eyes filled with tears, then a car passed by and I stood up. There was nothing left to see, anyway. Nothing but some guy who had just taken out his pitiful garbage at day’s end.
After two or three days, I’d gotten used to things. My brain went back to its normal functioning rhythm. There was a strange sort of calm in the house-an atmosphere that I didn’t recognize. It wasn’t bad. I had the feeling that Betty was breathing a bit easier, as if she’d come to the end of a long race. I noticed that the perpetual tension that had always lived in her had somehow gone soft.
One day, for instance, I was in the middle of dealing with this crazy woman-the kind a piano salesman comes across once or twice in a lifetime-a woman with no age and bad breath, weighing in at about one-eighty. She ran from one piano to another, asking all the prices three times, her eyes looking elsewhere, lifting up all the lids, pushing down all the pedals, and at the end of thirty minutes we found ourselves back where we started, and the store stank from sweat and I thought I was going to choke to death. I was talking a little loud, so Betty came down to see what was going on.
“What I just don’t understand,” the woman was saying, “is the difference between this one and that one.”
“One has round legs and the other one has square legs,” I sighed. “Look, we’re going to close pretty soon…”
“Actually, I can’t decide between getting a piano and getting a saxophone,” she went on.
“If you can hold on for a few days, we’re getting in a shipment of ocarinas…” I said.
But she wasn’t listening. She’d stuck her head in a piano to see what was inside. I gave Betty a sign that said I’d had it up to here.
“I’ve got to get out of here,” I whispered. “Tell her we’re closing.”
I went up to the apartment and I didn’t come back. I drank a tall glass of cool water. Suddenly I was struck with remorse-I knew that in two minutes Betty would be chucking the woman’s ass through the front window. I almost went down, but I held off for a minute. I didn’t hear anything-no breaking glass, not even a scream. I was stupefied. The strangest thing of all was that Betty came up forty-five minutes later, relaxed and smiling.
“She was really annoying,” she said. “You should take it a little easier with people like that.”
That night we played Scrabble. I could have made the word ovaries and gotten a triple-word score, but I scrambled it and exchanged the letters instead.
Ordinarily I got up early when I had to make a delivery. This left me the afternoon to get my strength back. I had struck a deal with these guys who hauled furniture for a store a few blocks away. I’d call them the night before and we’d meet at the corner early the next morning. We’d load the piano in a van that I rented, then they’d follow me in their truck. We’d deliver the piano and I’d give them cash. They always gave me the same smile. The morning we were supposed to deliver the baby grand, though, things didn’t exactly work out that way.
We had a seven o’clock meeting time, but I found myself alone on the sidewalk, pacing, waiting for them to show. The sky was gray-it was obviously going to rain later in the day. I hadn’t wakened Betty, I’d just slid out of bed like a lazy snake.
Ten minutes later, I saw them round the corner slowly, coming toward me, skimming the curb. They were driving so slow I wondered what the hell they were doing. When they got to me, they didn’t even stop. The driver was behind the wheel, making gestures and grimacing at me, and the other one held up a sign that said, “THE BOSS IS ON OUR ASS!!” I saw the problem immediately. I pretended to tie my shoe. Five seconds later a dark car drove by: a little man in glasses at the wheel, his jaws set.
I was not amused. When I set a delivery date I keep it. I started thinking wildly, then broke into a sprint toward Bob’s store. The lights were on upstairs. I scooped up some gravel and threw it at the window. Bob appeared.
“Shit,” I said. “Did I wake you?”
“Not really, I’ve been up since Eve o’clock, trying to get you-know-who back to sleep.”
“Bob, listen. I got a problem… I’m all alone here with a piano to deliver. Could you get free?”
“Get free? Gee, I don’t know. To give you a hand? Sure.”
“Terrific. I’ll pick you up in an hour.”
I thought that with three of us, we could get the piano through the window. The truck driver alone could carry a closet up six flights, but just Bob and me… I wasn’t sure. I went back to the van and took off for the rental place. I got a young guy with a striped tie and pants with creases like knives.
“Here,” I said. “I brought your van back. I need something bigger, with a device for unloading.”
The guy thought this was pretty funny.
“Great timing… so happens a guy just brought back a twenty-five-ton pickup with a hydraulic arm.”
“Exactly what I need.”
“Only problem is you got to know how to drive it,” he smirked.
“No problem,” I said. “I could drive a slalom course in a semi.”
The truth is that it was a hell of a machine to maneuver, and it was the first time I’d ever laid hands on one. I made it across town with no damage, though-it wasn’t as diabolical as I thought. You have to start with the idea that it’s up to everybody else to get out of your way. The day was having trouble dawning-the clouds seemed glued together. I went to get Bob. I brought croissants.
We all sat down at the table, and I had a cup of coffee with them. It was so dark outside they’d had to turn the lights on. The bulb in the kitchen was a bit cruel. Annie and Bob looked like they hadn’t slept in weeks. While we were devouring our croissants, the baby decided to throw a little temper tantrum. Archie spilled his bowl of cereal all over the table. Bob got up, teetering slightly.
“Just give me five minutes to get dressed, and we’re out of here,” he said.
Archie was washing his hands in the little stream of milk that ran over the edge of the table, and the other little one was still screaming. Why do I always have to bear witness to abominable things? Annie pulled a baby bottle out of a saucepan, and we could almost hear each other again.
“So,” I said. “You and Bob getting along a little better?”
“Well, let’s say we’re getting along a LITTLE better, but that’s all. Why, you have something in mind?”
“No,” I said. “These days I use all my energy to not think about anything.”
I looked ever at my little tablemate, who was busy making patties out of his cereal, squeezing it in his hands.
“You’re an odd duck,” she said.
“I’m afraid I’m not really… unfortunately…”
When we were finally outside, Bob looked at the sky and made a face.
“I know…” I said. “Let’s not waste time.”
We carried the piano out onto the sidewalk and tied the straps on. I went and got the user’s manual out of the glove compartment, then went over to the mechanical arm. There were all kinds of levers to work it-levers to start it, make it go left, make it go right, up, down, withdraw, extend, levers to work the claw. All you had to do was coordinate everything. I turned it on.
