twenty-five, with pimples on his neck, trying to make it big in life. He was devouring one of those magazines that tells you about the sex lives of famous actors. I shoved the barrel of the Barracuda a good half inch into his ear, holding one finger up to my lips. He under stood-he wasn’t as stupid as he looked. Still warming his ear, I took his hands and put them behind his back. I got a roll of adhesive tape out of my bag-extra-strong and three inches wide. When you get a package plastered together with that stuff it’s enough to drive you crazy. I pulled a piece off with my teeth and with one hand wrapped five yards of it around his wrists. It took a while, but I had all afternoon. I took his gun off him and taped him to the chair.
“I swear, I’m not going to try anything,” he said. “I don’t want to get hurt. Don’t worry…”
I leaned down to tie his legs. I caught him looking at my chest.
I straightened up. It was as if he’d touched me-it was all I could do not to slap his face. I slapped it anyway. He yelped. I put my finger back up to my lips.
Now all I had to do was wait. Think and wait. I glanced at the electronic door-security system. It was easy to figure out. I crossed my legs and sat down in a corner of the office. I smoked a cigarette. The little jack-off gave me the once-over with velvety eyes.
“Golly… I mean, golly-you can’t imagine how much l admire you,” he gushed. “You got to have some kind of nerve to do this…”
He was wrong. Courage had nothing to do with it. Watching Betty sink deeper every day would make knocking over a bank-or blowing up half the world-seem like child’s play. Actually, it was not exactly a bank. It was a company that handled surveillance equipment and armored cars. They transported the daily receipts of certain department stores and toll booths. I’d followed them for a few days. I realized that it would be ridiculous to try anything while they were out on their rounds. Those guys were so jumpy-one sneeze and they’d turn you into a screen door. That’s why I decided to wait for them in a more relaxed atmosphere-at their home base.
“If you’d like some coffee, there’s a Thermos in the bottom drawer,” said my admirer.
He devoured me with his eyes. I pretended to ignore him. I poured myself a cup of coffee.
“What’s your name?” he asked. “I just want to be able to remember your first name. I swear I won’t tell anybody…”
He got on my nerves. There was a good side, though-him talking later, about what a helluva gal I was, would help me cover my tracks. For good measure, I rubbed my chest a little, just to see him change color.
“Jesus, could we open a window?” he said.
From time to time I got up to look out the window. The street was quiet. I never imagined it would all go so well. You could hear birds singing in the trees. The telephone hadn’t rung once, and no one came to the door. It seemed like a gag. Once or twice l caught myself yawning. It was hot. From the moment the guy saw me run my tongue over my lips, he got delirious.
“Untie me,” he said. “I can help you. I can cover you when the others come back-the bastards. Anyway, I’m sick of this job. I’ll go away with you-we can ransack the countryside… Why won’t you talk to me…? Why don’t you trust me…?”
To finish him off, I ran my hand through my hair. It was greasy. Good thing I was wearing gloves. He stuck his neck out toward me and let out a little whimper.
“Oh please,” he cried. “Be extra careful of the fat one, the fattest of the three…Don’t trust him… He’ll shoot you without a second thought…It’s already happened several times… He’s wounded pedestrians… Oh that bastard, Henry… You better let me handle him, ma’am, I won’t let him harm a hair on your head…”
I was bored but calm. I’d stopped letting things get to me. Except for Betty, I cared about nothing. I was happy to have something specific to do-it eased my soul. Unless something really went haywire, they wouldn’t knock themselves out over a simple crime of passion. To get a little peace, I sat down behind him. I played with his gun. His was a real one-somehow you could tell by touching it. I imagined what it would be like to give myself a bullet in the mouth. It made me smile. I was as capable of doing it as I was incapable of saying why life was worth living. I just felt it. The young dude craned his neck, trying to see me behind him.
“Why are you staying back there?” he complained. “What did I do? Just let me look at you…”
The restrooms were at the bottom of the stairway. I went down to take a piss. I took my wig off and fanned myself with it. I had no real plan. I didn’t have a stopwatch or a can of tear gas. I worked by feel, as they say. The truth is that I had other things on my mind; I had enough problems without having to worry about the details. I could understand how you’d want to cover every angle of a bank robbery when money is your prime goal but what did money mean to me? What difference could piles of money possibly make in my life? Given where we’d come to, I was willing to try anything, though. Anything I could for her. That’s what it was all about.
The guy nearly cried tears of joy when I came back.
“Oh Lord… I was afraid you’d gone. I was just beside myself…”
I blew him a kiss. He closed his eyes with a sigh. I glanced at the clock on the wall. The others would be back any minute now. I grabbed Romeo’s chair and tilted it back on two legs. I dragged him into the corner of the room, where the open door would hide him. He tried to kiss my hand on the way, but I was too quick for him. I poured myself another cup of coffee. I looked out onto the street, keeping my distance from the windows.
It seemed like forty years since they’d left in the van. Since then, things in the street had changed. Not much excitement. The way the world looked to me, I preferred to slide through it rather than ram up against it. At thirty-five you don’t want to be bothered anymore. This requires a certain amount of cash. Seeing all those faraway lands can run up a bill. Sliding through costs you your weight in gold. Still, I was willing to go away with her if it would give her a break. In a way, I was already packing the bags.
The guy’s voice made me jump.
“I have an idea-why don’t you take me hostage? I could be your insurance…”
This reminded me that I’d forgotten something. I taped his mouth shut-three layers of adhesive tape around his head. Without warning, he leaned forward and rubbed his forehead on my chest. I jumped back.
“Oh Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!” he said with his eyes.
Five minutes later the other three arrived. I watched the delivery van come down the street. When it stopped in front of the garage door, I pushed the button OPENGAR, then counted to ten before pushing CLOGAR. I knew that I was starting the second crap-shoot. I wasn’t worried.
I flattened myself behind the door. This time it wasn’t the Barracuda in my hand-it was the real thing. I heard the door close downstairs, and the sound of conversation. Their voices carried well.
“Listen, man,” one of them said. “When your old lady tells you she has a headache on the night you feel like fucking, just tell her, Don’t worry, I won’t touch your head.”
“Shit, that’s a laugh. You think that’s all there is to it? You know Maria…”
“Hey, man, she’s no different from the rest. They all get headaches sooner or later. Have you ever noticed how when you come home with the paycheck at the end of the month, they never ask for an aspirin?”
I heard them yukking it up in the staircase.
“Yeah, Henry-that’s fine for you…”
“Shit, man, do what you want. You want to bust your balls for nothing your whole life? That’s exactly what they want…”
They came in, single file, carrying small canvas sacks. I spotted the fat one right off, the one named Henry. He was wearing sandals. As for the other two-how they had escaped retirement was beyond me. Before they could say boo, I had kicked the door closed. They turned toward me. For a millionth of a second, Henry’s eyes met mine. I didn’t give his brain the time to react, I looked at his feet and fired a bullet into his big toe. He collapsed, screaming. The other two dropped their sacks and put their hands up. I had the situation well under control.
While Henry was writhing on the floor, I tossed them the roll of adhesive tape. I motioned to them to tie up their friend. They snapped to. He put up a struggle, but they had him wound up tight in three seconds flat, telling him over and over not to be a jerk. Then I made a sign for them to tie their own feet. They would have made some kind of storekeepers, those two-just aim something between their eyes and they do whatever you say. I looked at the shabbier of the two and signaled him with my white glove-translation: Tie your pal’s hands together, you old fart. When he’d finished, I pointed my finger at him. He smiled sadly.
“Listen, miss, I don’t think I can do myself myself.”
I shoved my barrel up his nose.
“No, no… wait… I’ll give it a try!!”
