“That’s okay,” Nathan said agreeably, fulfilling Denise’s wish. “I don’t mind. Not today, anyway. He was crossing some railroad tracks—not the kind with lights and gates and stuff, but the unmarked kind—when he got hit by the train. The doctor told me he was killed right away.”
“So how did you find out?” Frank persisted. “Did the police come to your door or what?” This line of questioning made Denise nervous. Her hand remained poised over the dump button in case she had to get rid of Frank in a hurry.
“No,” Nathan explained, “I was staying over at my best friend Jacob Protsky’s house that night. They’re our next-door neighbors. I guess the police told them, and then Jacob’s dad told me. It was pretty sad.” Like so many of the images that played on the movie screen of his mind, this one was as vivid as it could be. They waited until he awoke that morning to break the news, and he remembered how Mr. Protsky cried harder than he did. He remembered that he stayed with the Protskys through the funeral, until Uncle Mark finally sobered up enough to come pick him up and take him to his hive.
You remember to give us a call if you need anything, Nathan remembered Mrs. Protsky telling him as she gave him a hug, big tears balanced on her lids.
Then the memories turned bitter as he remembered calling her from a pay phone after the first belt-licking, begging her to take him back as blood trickled down the back of his legs under his jeans. He remembered how cold and flat her voice was as she ordered him to stop calling them. You have a new life now, Nathan, she had said. We can’t be a part of it anymore.
“You also implied yesterday that you were abused…”
“I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” Nathan said matter-of-factly.
“Good,” Denise said, stabbing the dump button. “Neither do I. Sometimes people just don’t know when to quit. I think Frank was one of those people.”
“My dad was the nicest guy in the world,” Nathan announced. “I’m sure he was, honey,” Denise said soothingly. “And the reason I’m sure is because I think he raised a pretty nice son.” “Thanks,” Nathan said warmly, “but there’s lots of folks who don’t think much of me at all.”
“Well, what do they know?”
Nathan smiled and stretched his back. “Um, ma’am? I mean B-Bitch?”
Denise laughed heartily at Nathan’s continued discomfort with her name. “Tell you what, Nathan,” she said. “Because we’re such buddies now, and I want to make you as comfortable as I can, I’m gonna let you call me Denise, okay?”
Nathan sighed audibly, genuinely relieved. “Okay. Thanks.”
“Sure. But to my other listeners, I warn you. Unless you’re a runaway with as cute a voice as Nathan’s, don’t you go trying to call me by my real name. Now, sweetie, what can I do for you?”
“If I ask you a question, will you promise to give me an honest answer?”
Denise shot a look to Enrique, who just shrugged, as usual. “Sure,” she said.
“Even if you think your honest answer would make me feel bad?”
“Okay.”
Nathan took another deep breath. The answer to the question he was about to ask was important to him, but he didn’t know why. He was far from certain that he even wanted to hear it. Pushing his doubts aside, he asked, “I know that if I was just some kid, you’d never put me on the radio. But if I did get through, would you still like me, even if I didn’t make your ratings go up?”
Denise thought for a moment before answering, then went to commercials so she could think some more. When they came back, she still wasn’t ready, but she owed him an answer.
“Nathan, I can’t deny that your calls have been good to my show. For example, I know that I’d have never been invited on Good Morning America if it weren’t for your phone call. You remember yourself that I didn’t believe a word you said at the beginning of yesterday’s call. But I’ve gotta tell you, there is something about your voice and your personality that is really very charming, and your situation is truly heart-wrenching. As a mother, I want to help you, just as most of our listeners would come to your aid however possible. So, yes, Nathan, I think I can honestly say that I would like you even if you made our ratings go down. And if you knew me better, you’d know that that’s a whole lot of liking.”
Her answer made Nathan smile; made him feel warm in a way he hadn’t felt in a very long time. It had been two years since anyone had been kind to him, two years since anyone had clapped him on the back or given him a hug. For the first ten years of his life, he’d never had to worry about being tough or being brave, and the thought of fighting other people for the very essentials of life-food and rest or even a place to sit unmolested—had never entered his mind for even an instant. Ever since that train had sheared away everything that was good and kind, Nathan’s life had been one continuous fight, first with Uncle Mark, then with the assholes at the JDC, and now with hundreds of cops. The stakes were always the same, always his very survival. He longed for the times when his biggest worries centered on where he’d be assigned on the soccer field or whether or not he’d get an A on his spelling test.
Nathan refused to believe that those times were gone forever. If he worked hard, told the truth, and stayed lucky, he’d get another chance. To hear someone as hardassed as The Bitch say something nice bolstered his faith in himself, but more importantly, renewed his faith in other people. They weren’t all cops and lawyers and judges and supervisors. There were still people out there who were willing to listen. Not everyone made their living by calling you a liar, or gaveling you out of order when you tried to tell the truth. And if The Bitch could think nice things about him, and believe him, then maybe other people could do that, too. Even if he got caught, at least maybe now people would pay attention to what he had to say.
“Are you still there?” Denise prodded.
“Huh? Oh, yeah, I’m sorry.” Nathan paused again, gathering his strength to execute the plan that had flashed through his mind just an instant before. “I was just thinking about something. Do you think it would be all right if I asked the people listening to tell their friends that I’m really not a bad kid? And that I might need help? Maybe the news people could stop showing my picture all the time, so that I might be able to start over without everyone recognizing me?”
As Denise replied, her tone was all mother. “Honestly, Nathan, I think it’s too late for that. You’re already a news item, and I think you’re destined to remain that way until this thing is resolved. As far as people are concerned, they’ve already made up their minds about you, good or bad, but what they think really doesn’t matter. What matters to everyone, Nathan, is your safety. Whether they think you’re a good guy or a bad guy, I don’t think anyone wants harm to come to you.
“What worries me,” Denise continued, leaning on the words, “is the thought of you driving cars and running roadblocks, and just being out alone at night. You’re in very real danger every minute you’re on the run. Sometimes I think the safest thing for you to do would be to turn yourself back in, and let the justice system work for you.”
“The justice system got me into this,” Nathan snorted.
“It works for an awful lot of people.”
“Not for kids. Not for me.”
“Listen, Nathan…”
“I can’t go back, Denise,” Nathan said with finality. “I won’t go back. Not if they don’t catch me first. You don’t know what it’s like to be in a concrete box. You don’t know how it feels to be bent over a chair and held down by five people bigger than you while some asshole pulls down your pants in front of everybody and rams a broom handle up your butt…”
“Oh, my God,” Denise gasped.
“…or how it makes you feel when the supervisor laughs at you when you report it, or how the other residents beat the crap out of you for squealing on them.” Nathan was shouting now. “I killed Ricky Harris because he was trying to kill me! If I go back, somebody else is going to try again, and if I fight back and win, they’ll call me the murderer. That’s the way the system works, Denise. The grown-ups are always right, and the kids are always wrong, and no matter what you say, you lose. Don’t tell me I’ve got to go back there, because I won’t do it!”
Nathan slammed the phone down on its cradle, then picked it up and slammed it again. And again, knocking the lamp off the end table and onto the floor. He stood there in the middle of a strange living room breathing heavily, his hands trembling. Suddenly he was alone. And it was quiet, so terribly quiet that he could hear his heart beating. In the silence, he could taste his anger and his shame and his sorrow. He was ready for a new dealer,
