'You knew they were phonies?' I demanded.
'I knew they must be.'
'You didn't mention it.'
'Why should I? To you two great detectives? You knew it too or you wouldn't have examined them with a magnifying glass.'
I shook my head. 'I didn't know it, I only suspected it. I suspected it when I answered the bell just now and found a T-man at the door. A T-man is a Secret Service agent of the Treasury Department. He wanted to know if a woman named Tamiris Baxter was here. I told him no, that she was here this morning for ten minutes and left her-'
'Tammy Baxter? Tammy was here?'
'Right. She wanted to know if you had been here and I told her no. She left her phone number and asked me to ring her if you came. Then the T-man asked if Hattie
156 Rex Stout
Annis had been here, and I told him I was against answering miscellaneous questions, which is true, but the thing was I had got curious about this stack of bills and wanted to take a look. So he left and I came and looked. Now you say you knew they were counterfeit.'
'Archie.' Wolfe was gruff. 'You saw that man's cre- dentials?'
'Of course.'
'He asked for Miss Annis?'
'He asked if she had been here.'
'Why didn't you bring him in?'
'Because he wanted to look at the bills. If they were okay I saw no reason to let the T-man disturb a guest of yours who appreciates Fritz's coffee.'
The trouble was, she had finished with the coffee. 'Very well,' he said, 'you have looked at them. Does the Secret Service have a New York office?'
'Yes.' A list of the things any two-bit dick knows and he doesn't would fill a book.
'Call them and report. If Miss Annis leaves before they arrive keep the bills, and of course they will want the wrapping paper. Give her a receipt if she wants one.' He turned and made for the office, shutting the door.
It didn't stay shut long. I admit I could have stopped her, by taking a step and stretching an arm, but I thought he might at least have given her a chance to thank him for the coffee. So I didn't take the step until she had the door open, and then went only to the sill. Wolfe was in his chair behind his desk before he knew she was there.
'Did you mean that?' she demanded. 'Call the cops and hand it over?'
'Not the cops, madam.' He was sharp. 'The Secret Service. I have a responsibility as a citizen. Counterfeit money is contraband. I can't let you walk out of my house with it.'
She put a hand on the desk edge for a prop. 'Boot- licker,' she said. 'The great detective Nero Wolfe just a flunky for the cops. If Falstaff was here I'd apologize to him. Maybe he wasn't much of a hero, but he was no toady. You can't glare me down, the lady's going to talk.
The Homicide Trinity 157
I found that stuff in my house, and I thought, I'd rather just burn it than turn it over to the cops. I thought the thing to do was find out who put it there and then go to a newspaper. Finding a counterfeiter ought to call for a reward. But I didn't know how to find out because my mind doesn't work like that, so I thought I would get a detective and split the reward with him, and I might as well get the best, so I go to Nero Wolfe, and this is what happens. Counterfeit money may be contraband, but it's not your counterfeit money, it's mine, I found it in my house, but what do you care, you want to suck up to the cops, so you tell him to call them and report, and keep the bills, and swaggle out. I spit at you. I don't spit, but I spit at you.' She about-faced. 'You too. Buster? Is this what you carried me in for?'
'Madam,' Wolfe said.
She whirled back. 'Don't madam me!'
'You have a point,' Wolfe said. 'I reject your charge of servility, but you have a point, and an interesting one. I am not an officer of the law. Has a private citizen the right to confiscate contraband? I doubt it. Even if he has the right, is it a duty? Surely not. That coun- terfeit money is yours until it is seized by public author- ity. I confess to error, but I was prompted by expedience, not sycophancy. I merely wanted to get clear of a muddle. Now, confound it, you have raised a point I can't ignore, but neither can I ignore my obliga- tion as a citizen. I offer a suggestion: Mr. Goodwin will put the bills in my safe and go with you to your house and investigate. You say you wanted to engage me to identify and expose the counterfeiter; he will decide if that is feasible without prolonged and expensive in- quiry. If it isn't I'll return your property to you, but I shall notify the Secret Service that I am doing so. In either case, I shall expect no fee. You are not my client. I am merely wriggling out of a muddle. Well?'
'We split the reward three ways,' she said.
'I have no interest in a reward.' He flipped a hand, discarding it. 'There probably won't be any.'
'There had better be. I don't need it, I've got enough
158 Rex Stout
to go on and then some, but I've never earned any money and this is my chance. Keeping it in your safe, that's all right. I'm not going to apologize for what I said until I see what happens.'
