The Stainless Steel Rat Wants You

present time the top executive is Jay Hovah.”

“I am Jay Hovah,” the newcomer said. “Therefore I repeat. It is forbidden to send the alien invaders into a parallel world.”

“Why?” I asked. “You don’t mind our blowing them up, do you?”

He fixed his stern gaze upon me. “To battle in self-defense is not immoral. This is the defense of one’s home and loved ones.”

“Well if you don’t mind our blowing them up—what is the complaint about slipping them into another world line? That won’t hurt them half as much.”

“It won’t hurt them at all. But you will be sending ravening aliens in a giant battle fleet into a parallel universe where they did not exist before. You will be responsible for their killing all the humans in that universe. That is immoral. A way must be found to eliminate the enemy without making others suffer.”

“You can’t stop us,” one of the admirals shouted in anger.

“I can and I will,” Jay Hovah said “It says in the Constitution of the League of United Planets that no immoral acts will be indulged in by member planets or by forces operating under the orders of member planets. You will find that a clause is included in the original agreement signed by all planetary representatives that a Morality Corps will be founded to determine what is moral. We are the top authority. We say no. Find yourself another plan.”

While Jay was talking all the little wheels in my head were spinning busily. They stopped finally and the winning numbers came up.

“Stop this bickering,” I said, then had to repeat myself, shouting, before I was heard. “I have come up with the alternative plan.” This quieted them down and even Jay stopped pontificating for a bit to listen. “The Morality Corps protests that it would be an immoral act to shoot all the nasties into a parallel universe where they can work their will upon the human beings there. Is that your argument, Jay?”

“Put rather crudely, but in essence, yes.”

“Then you wouldn’t protest at all if we pushed the enemy into a parallel universe where there were no human beings?”

He opened and shut his mouth a few times at that one, then scowled fiercely. I smiled and lit a cigar. The admirals buzzed, mostly with bafflement since they weren’t too bright or they wouldn’t have enlisted in the peacetime navy.

“I would like a second opinion,” Jay Hovah finally said.

“By all means, but make it fast.”

He glared at me, but pulled out a gold pendant that hung about his neck and whispered into it. Then listened. And nodded.

“It would not be immoral to send the aliens into a universe where there were no human beings. I have spoken.”

“What is happening?” a bewildered admiral asked.

“It’s very simple,” I told him. “There are millions, billions, probably an infinite number of parallel galaxies. Among this number there must surely be one where homo sapiens never existed. There might even be a galaxy populated only by aliens where our enemies would be made welcome.”

“You have just volunteered to find the right one,” Inskipp ordered. “Get moving, diGriz, and find us the best place to send that battle fleet.”

“He shall not go alone,” Jay Hovah announced. “We have been watching this agent for a long time since he is the most immoral man in the Special Corps.”

“Very flattering,” I said.

“Therefore we do not take his word for anything. When he looks for the correct parallel galaxy one of our agents will accompany him.”

“That’s just fine,” I told him. “But please don’t forget that there is a war on and I don’t want one of your leaden-footed, psalm-singing moralists hanging around my neck.” Jay was whispering instructions into his communicator. “This is a military operation and I move fast…”

I shut up when she walked in the door. From Jay’s outfit, if the long robe meant anything, but it was filled quite differently from his. Some very interesting curves revealed rather than concealed. Honey-blonde hair, rose lips, shining eyes. A very attractive package in every way.

“This is agent Incuba who will accompany you,” Jay said.

“Well, in that case I withdraw my objections,” I smarmed. “I’m sure she is a very efficient officer…”

“Oh, yes?” a voice spoke out from the thin air, the second time this day. Only this one was a female voice that I instantly recognized. “If you think you are going galaxy-hopping alone with that sleazy sexpot, Jim diGriz, you are very mistaken. You better book three tickets.”

Nineteen

“What kind of secret war conference is this?” Inskipp howled. “Is everyone listening to it? That was your wife on the eaves-dropping circuit, diGriz—wasn’t it?”

“Sounded very much like her,” I said a little too heartily. “I guess you ought to have the security arrangements checked out. But you’ll have to take care of that yourself because I have to go look at some other galaxies and that is a time-consuming business. You’ll get my report soonest, gentlemen.”

I exited with Incuba a few steps behind me. Angelina was waiting, in the corridor. Eyes glowing like a female lioness, fingernails hooked like claws. She seared my skin with one sizzling glare then turned her destroying gaze on Incuba.

“Do you plan to wear that bathrobe for this arduous trip?” she asked, voice close to absolute zero. Incuba looked Angelina up and down, her expression unchanged although her nostrils flared ever so lightly as though she had sniffed something bad.

“Probably not. But whatever I wear it will certainly be more practical—and a good deal more attractive than that.”

Before the warfare escalated I took the coward’s way out and dropped a mini smoke grenade. It banged and puffed and took their attention off their differences for an instant. I spoke quickly.

“Ladies, we leave in one half an hour so please be ready. I am off to the lab now to set things up with Professor Coypu and I hope that you will join me there.”

Angelina joined me now, grabbing my arm with talons sunk deep, marching me off down the corridor, hissing words into my ear—then biting it for emphasis.

“One pass at that tramp, one look, one touch of your hand on hers and you are a dead man, Dirty Old Jim diGriz.”

“What happened to innocent-until-proven-guilty?” I groaned, rubbing the aching earlobe. “I love you and none other. Now, can we drop this and get on with the war. And get Coypu to set up our investigation.”

“You have only one choice of a possible galaxy,” Coypu said, after I had explained the situation.

“What do you mean?” I was shocked. “Billions, an infinite number you said.”

“I did. That many exist. But we can get access for a large object, such as a spaceship, to only six. After that the energy demand is too great to open a screen more than two meters in diameter. You’re not going to get many aliens through a hole that big.”

“Well, that’s at least six universes. So why do you say only one?”

“Because in the other five this laboratory exists and I have observed myself or other humans in it. In the sixth, which I call Space Six, there is no laboratory or Corps base. The screen opens into interstellar space.”

“Then that is the one we must try,” a golden voice said, and Incuba tripped in through the door. She was fetchingly garbed in tight shipsuit, kinky black boots and other interesting things that I knew better than to notice since Angelina was right behind her. I turned my gaze to Coypu; uglier but safer.

“Then that is the one we must try,” I told him.

“I thought you might say that. I have the parallelilizer screen projected outside this laboratory building. It is one hundred meters in diameter. I suggest you get a spacer with a smaller diameter and I will instruct you from there on.”