“I’m the Red Czar,” he said. “But please call me Freddy.”
XLIX
When Mortimer recovered, he said the following: “You’re shitting me.”
“I shit you not,” the little man said.
“But you’re the guy who makes all the booze and beer and everything,” Mortimer insisted. “You can’t be the Czar. That’s…that’s…you
Freddy frowned. “What did you expect?”
“Ten feet tall with shark teeth.”
Freddy chuckled. “Oh, you mean Horace out there in the throne room. Yes, it’s good to perpetuate a certain image. The fear has been a useful tool, and just between you and me, I have a weak spot for that sort of thing. The dungeon too. I used to play a lot of Dungeons & Dragons.”
“How…why…?” Mortimer shook his head, gathered himself. “So what are you? A brewer who has taken up conquest as a hobby, or a warmonger who just likes to make shitty alcohol on the side?”
“It’s a long, astounding tale of amazement and wonder.” Freddy looked at his watch. “But since I’m launching an offensive tomorrow to smash Joey Armageddon out of existence, I don’t really have the time to do the story justice.”
“But why would you want to destroy Armageddon? He sells all of your booze in his clubs.”
Freddy’s face hardened. “He sells it because my Red Stripes control the supply routes. Any of his precious microbrew he tries to deliver gets captured by my men. Then only Freddy’s beer and liquor get through. Stupid Marx thought the means of production was the key. He was a fool. It’s always been about distribution. Only I am able to mass-produce enough product to keep his growing franchise supplied. Well, it’s not good enough. I want the whole thing, soup to nuts. I’ll take over his clubs and I’ll run it all.” There was a gleam in Freddy’s eyes as he spoke of his intended conquest. An evil gleam.
Mortimer noticed a particularly long test tube on the counter close to him. He remembered Armageddon’s instructions. Kill the Czar if possible. He edged toward the test tube. If he could break it off, maybe he could take out Freddy with the jagged end.
“Besides,” Freddy said. “You think Joey Armageddon is such a good guy? Those club owners sitting like kings while the whole town bows down to them. Armageddon like an emperor on top of his mountain. It’s positively feudal. He has everyone hypnotized with tits and ass.”
Another two feet and he could make a grab for the test tube. If he jammed it right in Freddy’s throat…
But Freddy was watching him. Mortimer had to keep up his end of the conversation. “So what am I doing here?”
“We know you escaped from Armageddon’s jail,” Freddy said. “My people say you might have useful information.”
“That’s why I’m here,” Mortimer said. “I thought I might be able to trade the information.”
“For what?”
“Maybe I want to move up in the world. Maybe I want to be on the winning side. And maybe I thought I could trade the information for my wife.”
“From what I hear, she’s not exactly poised to fly back into your arms.”
Mortimer shrugged. “I’m flexible.”
“I’m not,” Freddy stated. “I launch my assault tomorrow. Armageddon will be crushed, and his ridiculous clubs and all of their resources will belong to me. Once I control the region, the rest of the continent will kneel before me. There’s nothing you can do about it.”
Mortimer reached for the test tube. Froze. Slowly pulled his hand back.
The automatic pistol in Freddy’s hand was pointed directly at Mortimer’s stomach.
Freddy smiled. “I seem harmless, don’t I? I didn’t just fall off the turnip truck, you know.”
“Let’s work something out,” said Mortimer. “I can tell you about Armageddon’s defenses.”
“Hmmmmmmm, no, I don’t think so,” Freddy said.
“You know I can. You have spies who can confirm it.”
“I have many spies that tell me many things.” Freddy looked past Mortimer. “Isn’t that right, Lars?”
Mortimer turned. His mouth fell open.
“My apologies, Mr. Tate,” Lars said. He also trained an automatic pistol on Mortimer’s midsection. “Yes, I’m afraid I’ve been in the Czar’s employ the entire time.”
“An IRS auditor.” Mortimer spat. “I should have known.”
“I wanted to talk to you face-to-face,” Freddy said. “There was a chance you really did have some useful information, but now it’s obvious you were merely a pawn in one of Armageddon’s feeble schemes. He must be desperate and weak, so I’m launching my attack immediately to take advantage.”
