‘I wish I knew,’ Casey said with a wry smile.
‘Sorry,’ I said, feeling low for even asking her.
‘Don’t be. It isn’t your problem.’
I wanted to discuss the matter further, to help her come up with some sort of practical survival plan, but I didn’t want to mar the occasion by upsetting her. After we’d finished, I walked with them back to the apartment block. Casey was working in a few hours and just wanted to give Toby some fish fingers before dropping him at a childminder’s and going on to her job as a barmaid. In the corridor outside the doors to our apartments, Casey paused and thanked me, urging Toby to do the same. I replied that it had been my pleasure to have some company other than my whiny, problem-riddled brother and then, after a brief hesitation, I spoke to her about the matter that was most pressing on my mind, ‘Casey, look, I know it’s none of my business but… when the baby comes… are you planning on keeping it?’
‘Of course I will be keeping the baby! It’s mine!’ Casey said sharply. ‘And you’re right, it’s none of your business!’
‘I’m not trying to change your mind. I just wanted to say that.. if you want me to do anything… If you ever want any help-’
‘I thought you were going back home to Italy soon?’
‘Oh. Well, yes, I am but until then… And anyway, financially speaking you must have some kind of rights against the father. He must be under some obligation to you to pay maintenance or-’
Casey sighed and smiled gently at me. ‘The truth is, Gabriel… there is no father.’
I shook my head, confused. ‘What do you mean there’s no…?’ I trailed off, looking again at the golden aura that surrounded her and noticing for the first time how very like the golden halo around the Virgin Mary it was. Forgetting myself, I grabbed at her upper arms in my excitement. ‘Is it a virgin birth?’ I blurted out. I think I may have been grinning like a lunatic as I spoke.
But then I saw the alarmed way she was looking at me and I hastily let her go and wiped the insane grin off my face, horrified to realise that I was probably undoing all the good will I had painstakingly built up that afternoon. And I had been doing so well at appearing normal up until then too.
‘Why would you assume that?’ she asked, her voice almost a whisper.
‘Just… just a joke,’ I said with a forced laugh. ‘Sorry. So, er… artificial insemination, was it?’
I held my breath, desperately hoping that she would accept my clumsy attempt to explain myself. But as I looked at her hopefully, my mouth dropped open in horror. Ever since seeing her in the coffee shop, Casey had continued to be surrounded by that breathlessly stunning, shimmering golden aura, glinting with flecks of liquid light, bathing her in an exquisite beauty.
But as we stood there, in the corridor of our shabby apartment block, the aura abruptly changed, turning to a thick, sticky black; clinging about her like tar, moving and swirling in the most sinister clouds of pure evil that I have ever seen. There was a faint burning smell too, and for all the world it smelled to me like human flesh. The hairs on my arms and on the back of my neck stood up as I gazed at her. She was clearly quite unaware of this depraved, undiluted malevolence that hovered over her and clung to her body.
She raised an eyebrow and said rather coldly, ‘Well, my parents and the doctors didn’t believe me either but at least they didn’t make a joke out of it. They just shouted. It is an immaculate conception, Gabriel,’ she said. ‘Amusing though that may be to you.’
I gazed at her, desperately wracking my brain for what a normal person might say in this situation. ‘Look, Casey… It’s… it’s easy enough to get pregnant by mistake. If the protection you used was faulty or something. And even if your boyfriend never actually… well, there are other ways of getting-’
‘I’m a virgin,’ she said calmly. ‘I haven’t had a boyfriend since I was fourteen.’ Then with a casual shrug, she added, ‘There is no father.’
Then she turned away and went back into the apartment with her brother, closing the door behind her.
I have given much thought to the episode and have finally come to the conclusion that Casey simply must have been mistaken about what she said to me. Angels and devils running around on Earth is one thing but a virgin birth is something else entirely and even though my mind automatically leaped to that assumption when she said there was no father, I have to be sensible about this. The odds are that Casey got pregnant by accident — that she is not touched by celestial strangeness as I am. That she is simply a normal teenage girl who made a mistake and that is all.
I must not allow what I know about angels and demons to touch every single aspect of my life. I can’t let it affect the way I view reality. I mustn’t let religion consume me. Otherwise I fear I will become one of those unstable people who fixate upon a thing until it takes over their life altogether. I am determined to remain balanced. Casey had unprotected sex with some boy. And that is why she is pregnant.
25th October
Do you know how hard it is to find banana cake in Budapest? They don’t sell it in supermarkets or anything like that. They just have it in cake shops, but even then you can only buy it in slices and I wanted a whole cake. A huge, frosted, light and delicious, to-die-for banana cake. Hopefully with dried banana chips or something like that on the top.
I phoned all the cake shops in the city until I at last found one that could make me what I was looking for. A luxury (very expensive) banana cake with all the trimmings, delivered in a stiff white cake box to the address of your choice. I asked for the cake to be delivered today because I knew Casey would be home. I think she must have been listening out for me this evening, for I’d only been home a few minutes before she was knocking on my door. I have to say I was completely taken aback by her reaction as it was only a cake, but she was almost crying when she thanked me. In fact, she actually hugged me before she left, and asked me over to share some of it with her, so I’m going over there in a minute… I, er… ha… I almost feel happy right now. At last I know what it feels like.
30th October
Casey hasn’t repeated her claim to me that her baby has no father. It’s sad that she can’t come to terms with what she did, but hopefully once the baby is born she won’t feel the need to lie about it any more. The thought occurred to me that perhaps the father didn’t know himself. I hoped she would reconsider and at least tell him about the child later. I mean, for all she knew, he might be pleased. He might want to marry her; he might want to help raise the baby. But it’s not my place to say these things to Casey. The strange aura about her has not faded and continues to change from delicate gold to dripping black.
Tonight, I saw her in Heroes’ Square. It was very late and there was no one else around. I was walking back to the metro station, having spent the evening in a restaurant nearby. I was alarmed when I realised the lone figure hunched up on one of the benches, head in hands, was Casey, for it was late and the square was deserted. I often go to Heroes’ Square at night myself because I love seeing it floodlit. Really, I go there to see Gabriel. I suppose Casey was probably okay as the square was quite well lit, but even if she hadn’t been pregnant, the city could be dangerous after dark.
She jumped in visible alarm when I came into her vision before she realised that it was only me. I could tell straightaway that, although her eyes were dry now, she had been crying before I arrived. I tactfully pretended not to notice as I greeted her.
‘What are you doing here so late?’ I asked, sitting down on the bench beside her.
She shrugged. ‘Just on my way back from work. I’m taking the long route because Toby’s staying at the childminder’s tonight and… well, empty apartments depress me.’
Tell me about it, I thought. ‘Why Heroes’ Square?’ I asked.
‘Because of him,’ Casey said with a smile, pointing up at Gabriel so far above our heads. For the first time I noticed that she had prayer beads in her hand.
We sat in silence for some moments before she suddenly said softly, ‘Did you know that once every minute a
