comfort me, to be a friend to me, to take away my fear. On the few occasions that Michael (if that really was the identity of the burning man) had appeared to me in dreams and visions, his appearance had served only to frighten me… He hadn’t helped me. Stephomi… that is… Mephisto had come to me like a man, speaking in clear words, coming to my world rather than exploiting the fact that I could see through to his. And now once again Michael was being cryptic, ambiguous, enigmatic, and I could not even guess what the message written in fire on the mirror meant. Surely the angel must know that I had no idea what the relevance of the Ninth Circle was? He must know that I had asked Mephistopheles about it and researched it and wracked my mind for hidden memories but to no avail. The Ninth Circle surrounded me, trapping me with lies and agendas and my own self-imposed ignorance.
But I won’t be used as a puppet. The strange message — CIRCLEIX — continued to appear as I prepared for bed. I saw it blazing above me in the bathroom mirror and scorched into the wooden footboard of my bed. But I ignored it. I didn’t understand it anyway, and I wouldn’t do anything about it if I could. I felt I hated the angels — or whoever was responsible — for tormenting me, for forsaking me and for putting some truth into Mephistopheles’ words by refusing to explain clearly to me what the hell it was they fucking wanted.
26th December (Boxing Day)
I’ve disgraced myself before God by letting Mephistopheles trick me in such a way. I hope that one day I will be forgiven. The CIRCLEIX message is still appearing around my apartment, but I am ignoring it. th December
Mephistopheles. Mephistopheles! All this time it has been Mephistopheles I was talking to! How did this happen to me? How did it happen? How did it? How? Mephistopheles — the one known as ‘He who destroys by lies’… Can I believe a word that demon said to me? Can I believe a word of it? Was he lying when he told me Nicky and Luke died in a car crash? Or was he lying when he said they never existed? They must have existed once! You can’t love a dream.
29th December
I have drawn pictures of them to stop myself from worrying. I’m carrying them around with me in the apartment. Casey has been banging on the door outside, but I’ve pretended to be out. I can’t see her right now. I can’t see anyone. I want to spend the time here with Nicky and Luke. They’re not much more than stick men, for of course I can’t remember precisely what they look like. But that doesn’t matter. When I talk to Nicky, it helps calm me down. Of course, I know that it’s not really her. I’m not losing my mind or anything distasteful like that. I know my wife is dead. I’m just talking to a crude drawing, that’s all.
It’s all right, though. Nicky herself has told me that she’s real, and she ought to know. Her death was an accident, like Stephomi said. There was nothing I could have done. I loved them. They were everything to me. I would never have hurt them. I wish this CIRCLEIX message would go away. It’s burning into the floorboards as well as the walls now.
31st December (New Year’s Eve)
My name is not Gabriel Antaeus. What a fucking surprise… At long last, I know the full disgusting truth about my past. I know why I took pains to punish myself, for if any man alive deserves punishment it is me.
I have committed the most wicked acts and they haunt me now as they did then. It is necessary that I isolate myself entirely from those around me. But now, of course, I have a problem, for Casey’s life is already quite hopelessly entangled with my own. Despite my promises I must cease all contact with her. I have made arrangements for her to have her baby in a nearby hospital in the city centre, with a private room and every comfort she might need. I have also deposited enough money in a bank account, set up under her name, to see her through for at least several years.
‘But why?’ she had asked, trying not to cry when I had told her. ‘Why aren’t you going to be there with me yourself?’
‘I can’t explain,’ I said stiffly. ‘That’s just the way it has to be.’
‘My Black Madonna’s gone,’ she said suddenly, giving me an accusing look. ‘Did you take it?’
I hesitated for a moment before replying, ‘Yes, I did.’
‘Well, can I have it back?’
‘No.’
‘But it belongs to me!’ she raged. ‘That man in the marketplace gave it to me! How dare you steal it from me like that? How dare you? It was a present! You know how much I love it! I feel like I don’t know you at all. You got your memories back, didn’t you?’
‘Yes.’
‘So you’re leaving Hungary?’
‘Yes.’
‘When are you coming back?’
‘I’m not.’
‘But you promised me, Gabriel. You promised! You said that no matter what you remembered, you and me would stay together. You said, if you had to leave then you’d take me with you, and if I couldn’t go then you wouldn’t either! You said it was as simple as that and I believed you!’
She started to cry then. I hated to see her so upset, but what could I do?
‘I don’t want to go,’ I said. ‘I’m sorry, Casey. I don’t want to go. I love you. I always will. But I can’t be around you.’
‘ Why not? ’ she sobbed.
‘I can’t tell you,’ I said, feeling helpless. ‘Look, Casey, do you trust me? I mean, do you really trust me?’
She nodded, tears running down her cheeks.
‘Then you’ve got to believe me when I say that you’ll be better off without me in your life rather than in it.’
‘That’s bullshit!’ She tried to shout at me through her tears.
‘What could possibly be worse than being on my own? How am I supposed to do this by myself, Gabriel?’
‘I’m afraid you’ll just have to find a way, Casey.’
And then she slammed the door in my face and I sighed and turned back to my apartment to pack for the flight. My plane leaves for Washington tonight. Arrangements will be made for my possessions at a later date. I don’t know how long I will stay in the United States. I simply purchased the first plane ticket I could. I have had some money changed into US dollars, and packed a small bag of essentials. The important thing is simply to be away from Hungary, the focal point of the mounting tension of this religious War. I know that God won’t let anything happen to Casey. Mephistopheles said himself that neither angels nor demons will be able to directly affect her or her child, and I believe him. If there were no need for a human agent, then why go to such lengths to pose as a friend and try to obtain my trust and loyalty in the first place?
I’m afraid that, as the only person of the In Between nearby, if I stay I might be compelled to act for the demons somehow. I fear that Stephomi… that Mephisto will find some way to trick me into doing something that could hurt Casey. And I will never hurt her. I’ve hurt so many other people, but I won’t ever be responsible for hurting Casey. I love her too much for that. So I’m removing myself. With no human agent available, Casey’s baby will simply be born tonight, grow up and turn into whatever it is destined to be. Nothing good will come of my interference — that I know for an absolute certainty.
I leave for the airport in two hours. Meanwhile, I must make some record of all that has occurred since Michael’s exposing of Mephistopheles. I must make some record of who I am. I want to ground myself. I don’t want to feel myself slipping away. There must be a record. This is essential, essential. I won’t go insane over this. People like me don’t deserve the luxury of madness, although, God, I wish I were mad.
It was the messages. The fiery six letters and two numbers: CIRCLEIX. For five days I continued to ignore them, even as they increased in frequency and location — appearing in mirrors, on tables, burning into the spines of my books and the linings of my curtains. By the sixth day — yesterday — the message was all over every spare bit of space in my apartment: the furniture, the walls, the floor, the ceiling — everything, until all my rooms blazed with it. And then one of them burst, quite literally, into flames. It was one of the messages on the window in the living room. The fiery letters and numbers exploded into molten shards, shattering the window instantly with the heat and
