'Where the fuck is your partner? I still haven't laid eyes on that guy.'
'He needed to get gun qualified this morning or go on suspension. It's been scheduled for a month. He's over at the shooting range,' I lied flawlessly.
Underwood stared at me for a moment, then turned and followed Deputy Chief Ramsey into his office, which had now been miraculously upgraded with walls and a door.
Once he was safely inside, the members of our elite squad circled me like a snarling pack of coyotes. I'd claimed the early lead with my bullshit funeral and was a looming literary problem.
Twenty minutes later, as I was getting ready to head out, one of the detectives from Central Bureau, a fireplug with a swarthy complexion, named either Brendan or Brian Villalobos wandered over. He stood across from my battered desk rocking on his heels.
'Pretty good,' he said. But there wasn't much enthusiasm in it.
'Thanks.'
'You really think this dickwad is gonna show up at your dumb-ass funeral?'
'Stranger things have happened, Brian.'
'Brendan.'
'Brendan.'
Then we started staring each other down like twelveyear-olds before a schoolyard fight.
'Okay, look. . you want, maybe we can come to terms on this,' he ventured.
'Terms? What are we talking about, Brendan?' Giving him my dull stupid look, which unfortunately, I seem to affect very easily.
'This task force is just a crock a sixth-floor bullshit. But maybe you and I can get past that and turn it into something worthwhile if we work together.'
'But we are working together, Brendan. That's what task forces do.'
'Don't shine me up, pal.' He motioned toward the room. 'This is a five-car accident. Still, there might be opportunity in all this chaos if we work it right.' He leaned closer. 'What if you and I trade everything we've got, but just with each other? These other humps can fend for themselves.'
'You mean hoard shit?'
He smiled, 'I know you're the original primary on these murders and you probably know stuff the rest of us don't. But if you team up with me, you're getting a skilled homicide guy with a seventy-percent clearance rate. If we end up with a book or a movie, we cut it right down the middle.'
'Can I get back to you on that? My voice mail is loaded and I'm sort of obligated to evaluate all my offers before deciding.'
His expression hardened. 'I'm not going to let this opportunity get away. My partner is the buffalo in the checked coat over there.' He pointed at Bart Hoover. 'He's Captain Hoover's brother. They're filling his jacket with sexy stuff, hoping he catches this peril so he can make the lieutenant's list. But trust me, that jerk couldn't catch a cold in Alaska. It's also no secret your partner is a world-class alkie. Since we're both stuck working with lames, maybe we should unofficially team up. This funeral thing of yours has possibilities. I'm just saying, let's cut our losses and go in on it together.'
'Interesting idea,' I said. 'But I'm not sure about the fifty-fifty book and movie split. I'll have to run that by my creative affairs advisor. I'll get back to you.'
He wandered off looking dissed. Since I hadn't scored a chair yet, I sat on my broken desk and made a few calls.
At noon I drove out to Forest Lawn and met with Bryna Spiros, a short, dark-haired woman with a bright smile. She'd helped me on two similar occasions, knew what I needed, and led me to the small wood-framed North Chapel.
12:15 P. M.: My photographers, Doreen and Kyle, arrived in separate L-cars. They checked out suitable camera positions. I bought some leafy flower arrangements from the worship center florist to provide them with better photo blinds.
12:30 P. M.: The polished mahogany casket arrived on a rolling gurney and was placed in the front of the chapel. I really love the names they give these coffins. I actually saw one in the display room called the Sky Lounge. This one was a Heaven Sent. Since I have a less formal streak, when I die I want to get hammered into a That's All Folks!
I opened the half-lid and propped it up. Forrest was festively turned out in a black suit and gray tie, resting on white satin, all ready for his heaven-sent ride into the great beyond.
The embalmer did a reasonable job of cleaning him up. They taped over the gunshot wound and covered it with plastic skin, although his head still showed the lopsided trauma of the wound. He had that red-tinged robust complexion found only in wax museums and on the chalky faces of the dead. His eyes were closed and someone had decided to put heavy pancake over his eyelid tatts, covering the Russian Cyrillic symbols that said: 'Don't wake up.' This time he wouldn't.
'I'm gonna get this guy, Forrest,' I whispered somewhat foolishly to the waxy corpse.
12:45 P. M.: Agent Underwood arrived and sat in the back, holding his ostrich briefcase, which undoubtedly had some kind of huge exotic, square-barreled automatic inside.
1:00 P. M.: Stewart and Campbell, dressed as grieving parents, walked into the church and were seated in the front row.
Members of the task force started to arrive, pulling into the parking lot in their personal vehicles. A few minutes later, they wandered into the church and spread out, everyone stylin' and profilin'. No polyester, white socks, or Kmart ties.
Some tactical ops like to use catchy radio code names, but I always feel like an asshole triggering my mike and saying, 'This is Dogcatcher to Handy-Wipe,' so I just assigned numbers. Underwood was One. I was Two. Bola was Three, and so forth.
There were a half a dozen people in attendance who I'd never seen before. The long-lens team was busy shooting close-ups of all of them. Kyle was inside the church, behind the viewing area. Doreen was in the trees, halfway between the chapel and the parking lot with a 350-mm lens. A CD of harp music played as a few more people ambled in and sat in the uncomfortable, wooden pews.
There was a very attractive, well-dressed, middle-aged, blonde woman in a stylish suit sitting in the back of the church looking as out of place as a debutante at a monster truck rally. Ice blue eyes, flawless skin, great shoes, and a single strand of pearls.
At one point, before the service started, a gray-haired, pear-shaped, three-hundred-and-fifty-pound man in a brown tweed coat entered the chapel, waddled up the aisle on swollen ankles, and looked into the casket. He reached down and rubbed the pancake off of Forrest's eyelids, then leaned close and checked the tattoos. Satisfied, he turned and limped back up the aisle and right on out the front door of the church. I triggered my mike.
'This is Two to Six,' I whispered to Kyle using my Handy-Talkie. 'You get that?'
'Roger, Two. Got him,' Kyle's voice answered in my earpiece.
'Seven, this is Two. You got a huge bogie dressed in brown burlap coming out the front of the chapel.'
'Roger, Two,' Doreen McFadden said. 'I'm photogratizing his sagging ass even as we speak.'
I moved out the side door of the chapel and watched from the steps as she tracked him from a safe distance using the line of trees for cover, gunning off shots as he got into a black Lincoln Town Car, driven by another man. The car quickly exited the park.
'Two, this is Seven,' Doreen's voice came back in my ear. 'That town car has diplomatic plates.'
'Get outta town. .,' I murmured, wondering what the hell was going on.
A few minutes later, the attractive blonde got up, walked to the casket and looked at the body. Then she also left. Right after that, a medium-built bald man in a blue blazer did the same thing.
1:30 P. M.: The funeral started and the priest Bryna provided said some oft-used words. 'God has seen fit to call his servant home.'
The guy had a timid delivery and the short service droned unmercifully. By then the only people left in the congregation to hear it were all packing badges and creaking out yawns.
2:10 P. M.: Six members of the task force carried For-rest's Heaven Sent casket out of the church and loaded it into the hearse for the short drive to our gravesite two hundred yards up the hill. We had to keep up the charade until it was over. It was a good thing we did, because just as the priest was sprinkling holy water on the coffin, I
