turned and walked out of his office.
Driving home, I thought about Zack. He'd really perked up while sorting facts on Arden Rolaine's murder. Even though most of his ideas seemed farfetched, there were one or two that tracked. I liked the idea that the unsub might also be a homeless guy who got started by killing Vaughn Rolaine because he wanted the sister's money. That one murder could have kicked him off.
I got to our house in Venice at five-twenty-five. When I opened the door and walked in I saw Alexa, Chooch, and Delfina all sitting in chairs out in the backyard. I joined them on the patio and they turned to face me. Chooch looked angry.
'I made it before five-thirty,' I defended. 'Dowell isn't even here yet.'
'The coach isn't coming,' Chooch said.
'Whatta you mean? Why not?'
'The Athletic Department called,' Alexa said. 'Apparently, he's in a tug of war with Penn State over some blue-chip quarterback from Ohio. He's fighting Joe Paterno for him so he moved that meeting up and cancelled us.'
I could see the devastation on Chooch's face. Delfina was holding his hand, trying to console him.
'Okay,' I said. 'Stuff happens. Don't let it sink your boat, bud.'
'But Dad, he said he wanted me. If Joe Paterno also wants this guy from Ohio, that probably means Penn State's not going to want me. What if neither USC or UCLA offers a scholarship? Then I've got nothing.' His voice was shaking.
'We should talk about this,' I said. 'Just you and me, okay?'
He nodded.
'Come on. Let's take a walk.'
We went out the back gate onto the sidewalk that fronted the Grand Canal. Millions of spider-cracks crisscrossed the pavement under our feet; fissures in another man's dream. My son followed me in silence.
We made our way up onto the main arched bridge, climbing its subtle slope until we were at the top, looking down the long canal. Chooch stood next to me, his face awash in anger and frustration.
'When I was sixteen, I didn't believe in myself.' My voice was thin, blowing away from us in the weakening Santa. Ana winds. 'I wasn't a true believer. Didn't think I counted. I was an orphan who nobody wanted, and that fact was proven to me over and over because five different sets of foster parents all gave me back. So instead of working to improve myself, or understand why it was happening, I tried to tear down everybody around me. I had a code back then. 'Do what I say or pay the price.' But even when people did what I wanted, I didn't enjoy it, because I knew they did it out of fear and not respect.'
'Dad-'
'No. Listen to me, son, because I don't talk about this stuff often. Showing weakness to people I love is hard for me.'
He fell quiet, so I continued. 'Growing up, I knew if people thought I was weak, they'd take advantage of me. Underneath my bully's bluster was a frightened kid who didn't believe. I kept trying to impress people with threats. But I could see in their eyes that they weren't impressed. They were simply tolerating me, and that just made me angrier.'
I turned to face him. 'Chooch, if there's one thing I can try to give you, it's this: You don't have to impress anyone to be important. Around us you can be yourself. You can have big dreams, and all of us will help you live them.'
'I do,' he said, softly. 'Playing football is a dream.'
'I'm worried that football isn't as much of a dream as it is a device-a way for you to elevate yourself or prove yourself to others. For some reason, it looks like Coach Dowell may choose this other guy over you.
Coach Carroll likes you, but hasn't offered you a scholarship yet, and he might not. Same with Penn State. So right now you don't feel so important anymore. But try and think of it this way. You're the sum of all your experience and your experiences have helped forge who you are. If you were valuable yesterday, then regardless of what anybody else thinks, you're valuable today. It doesn't matter what Coach Dowell or Coach Carroll do. It doesn't change who and what you are, unless you let it. Everybody suffers defeats, son. You'll come to realize some day, that it's your defeats that define your victories. The way to true happiness in life is to love what you're doing, not how well other people say you're doing it. It's an important distinction.'
Chooch stood looking down stoically at the wind ruffled water on the Grand Canal.
'Even if you don't get an athletic scholarship to any university, and you go to one of these schools as a walk on, if you really love the game, love the process; you will succeed. Maybe not in exactly the way you once thought, but success will come.'
My son was looking at me now, his face a strange mixture of emotions.
'But you won't ever be happy if you let other people grade your paper, Chooch. It has to come from inside you. You've got to be a believer before anyone else can believe.
'And you think that I play ball just so other people will think I'm a big deal?'
'Nothing in life is all one thing or all the other. In failure, there can also be accomplishment. In jealousy, there is usually envy and respect. The trick is to get the balance right. I think some things got out of balance for you this year.'
He stood beside me, his eyes again fixed on the water, pondering my words.
'In whatever you choose to do, I want you to compete, and hopefully you will succeed. But most of all, I want you to love the process, because that's where happiness lies.'
'So it's not important that Coach Dowell cancelled his visit?'
'Not in the long run.'
'What if he doesn't reschedule? And what if I don't hear back from USC either?'
'We can only play our game. We can't play anybody else's. You are a lot of things, Chooch. You are a combination of cultures and emotions. Your genes come from me, and your mother, Sandy. Alexa and I try to be good role models and show you how to behave through actions, not just words. But you get to choose what, and who, you want to be. You get to decide how you want to behave.'
'I should calm down?' he said softly.
'Yep. And you gotta believe.' I put my arm around him. 'If it's meant to be, it's gonna happen.'
Chapter 36
At seven that evening I was at my desk in the den working on the Arden Rolaine homicide book.
As I went through the old case notes, trying to put them in chronological order, I noticed a margin note that read, 'Re-interview VR about Jan. 3rd time line.'
I wondered if VR was shorthand for Victim's Relative like in Cindy Blackman's notes, or if it stood for Vaughn Rolaine, the victim's brother. Since Zack said he was never able to locate Arden's brother, I started looking around through all this disorganization for interviews he'd done with other family members.
As I was doing this, the doorbell rang. I got up from the desk, walked to the front door and peered through the peephole. The distorted images of Emdee Perry and Roger Broadway were stretched comically in the fisheye lens. I opened the door and saw they were both decked out in snazzy Lakers gear-purple and gold jackets and hats. Roger handed me a ticket.
'What's this?'
'Lakers game,' Broadway said. 'Staples Center. Ninth row. We scored the seats from the Mexican Embassy. For some Third World reason, the se hablas are Clippers' fans. Never use their Lakers' seats.'
I looked at the ticket. It was for the Spurs game, eight o'clock tonight.
'I'm in the middle of something.'
Emdee drawled, 'We like you okay, Scully, but we sure as shit wouldn't waste great Lakers tickets on you 'less we had to. Tip-off's in fifty minutes. Giddy-up, Joe Bob.'
'Something's going down?'
They looked at each other in disbelief.
