'If you keep violating their rights and threatening them, you're gonna get hit by so much paper you're gonna think it's raining affidavits. So calm down.'
'Okay, okay. I'm calming down.' I took a deep breath. 'Since you've worked this bunch, tell me about KZ and Wayne. Who are those two guys?'
'KZ is a Crip drug dealer turned bodyguard from Compton. He's a hitter. His yellow sheet is impressive because every witness to ever point him out didn't live to testify. The other guy, I don't know much about. Wayne Watkins. They call him Insane Wayne. He's new. The bimbo in the pink terrycloth robe is Stacy Maluga. She's Lou's estranged wife and the president of his record label. They're still married, but two months back, she filed for separation. Lou got himself some fresh trim, a hot-looking woman named Sable Miller. Before I had to pull my bugs out of his beach house, it sounded like they were thinking about getting married soon. Lou lives behind the gates in the Malibu colony. Stacy's got this place, which will give you an idea of what a tough, hard-nosed piece of work she is.'
'She was having an affair with David Slade,' I said.
'Prove it.'
'There's a picture in there of the two of them, all wrapped around each other, swappin' spit.'
'And your theory is what? That Lou Maluga shot David Slade because Slade was messin' around with his estranged wife who he doesn't even live with anymore?'
'It's been known to happen,' I said, wondering if I had such a good theory here after all.
'These people don't play by the same rules you do, Shane.'
I didn't say it, but I knew there were no rules for me anymore.
'Just try and answer two questions if you can,' Rafie finally said.
'Okay.'
'How did this all end up in Alexa's car and, assuming that Astra nine is Alexa's, why was Slade shot with her gun?'
'I don't know yet. But you tell me what an LAPD sergeant was doing screwing around with a gangsta rap producer's estranged wife. There's something here.'
'Yeah, and a third-year law student could suppress everything you've turned up so far.'
'Alexa didn't kill David Slade. And before I'm through, I'll prove it.'
'You're not going anywhere. Put your hands out. I'm cuffing you to this floor ring back here.'
'You and Sepulveda can play around with these Gs all night for all I care. I'm out!'
I pushed my way out of the backseat, stood, and Rafie rose up with me. We were now facing each other outside the Crown Vic. He was big and fit and obviously trusted his moves. For a moment, I saw something in his eyes that told me this was about to go physical.
'Don't do it, Raf,' I said. 'You and I have known each other ten years. I need some slack here. I'm asking for some understanding.'
His hand moved, then fell to his side. He didn't want this any more than I did.
'I'm filing that one-eighty-one,' he finally said.
'You know what? I think that's a good idea. It will cover you and Tommy with the dick squad at PSB.'
Then I turned and walked to my car and got in. He watched me go. As I drove off, he shook his head and said something.
I'm not much of a lip reader, but it looked like, 'Good luck, man.'
Chapter 11
By the time I was six, I had life pretty well figured out. I was sure nobody really cared about anything… especially me. Shuffled back and forth between group homes and foster families, I spent every other Saturday morning in some County Health facility, sitting for endless psych evaluations administered by bored civil servants. They usually turned up troubling results.
'He seems to have a dissociative personality, Mr. Jones.'
Of course, he does. He has nobody to associate with.
'His lack of concentration indicates severe emotional distress, Mrs. Smith.'
Of course, he lacks concentration. He's got nothing to care about.
Into the van, off to the group home, back to the dorm. Kick a ball on a dirt field behind the Huntington House for Boys. Watch an endless parade of fake smiles and furrowed brows, all of them telling me I was just another problem that had been laid off on society and would never be solved.
So you internalize. You get tough. You build calluses that will defend you from the darkness that has defined your life. When it starts so early, these dark spells can become who you are but the people who run the meat machine always know where the soft spots are. They know where to poke and prod. To stay alive, you get tougher. Hard skin and a hard mind-set. They become your calluses. But calluses only go an eighth of an inch down. To survive, you know you have to make yourself harder, so you do. You work to protect what's left of your soft center. But over time, these emotional calluses can get so thick they become who you are. When that happens, there is very little left to fight for.
That was me by the time I was ten. I had little I really cared about, nothing that interested me. When I joined the LAPD, it was after a stint in the Marines and it was just an easy next step. The police department, like the Corps, was a way to trick myself into believing that I knew who I was. The man in the green uniform is a Marine. The man in the blue uniform is a police officer. On the door of my black-and-white patrol car it said, 'To protect and serve.' That was my new identity, my new code. But it wasn't me.
When I looked in the mirror I saw a uniform. A man of authority. But I didn't feel like one. I was good at being a cop, mostly because I didn't care what happened to me. Go ahead, shoot me, you dirt-bag. There's nothing here but hard skin and a heartbeat anyway.
And then came Alexa and Chooch.
They flooded into my life, slowly softening my protective calluses like oil on dried leather. Little things, at first pensive moments where new personal thoughts seeped into me, filled hollow spots in my infected psyche. And these thoughts and feelings started slowly curing me like antibiotics pumped into a throbbing abscess.
The idea that people were actually important came next, along with the notion that there really was such a thing as an unselfish act. I began to realize that love was an actual condition, and not just something faked a manipulative ploy.
Little by little, I was pulled back from the darkness, reclaimed like a submerged, barnacle-encrusted hulk. It seemed like I would never fully come alive again, but I did.
The last four years had been a rebirth, with Alexa and Chooch performing emotional CPR. They taught me there was strength in vulnerability, and wisdom in restraint.
Driving back to Venice from Malibu, I tried to make sense of what was happening. Selfish as it seemed, I knew that losing Alexa would probably cost me more than I could deal with. I had Chooch, but he was an adult now, off at college. I couldn't live my life for him much longer. Without Alexa, I was afraid I would slip back into the same, murky, alcohol-infested swamp I had just managed to crawl out of.
I wasn't sure if Alexa was alive, wasn't sure why there was a dead cop in handcuffs in her car. I had absolutely no idea how Stacy and Lou Maluga figured in, but there was one common denominator in all this, and that was the late Sgt. David Slade. I knew that Rafie and Tommy had no choice but to hang me out with the dicks in the Professional Standards Bureau. Their careers were at stake if they tried to give me cover. I wasn't going to back off and by now they knew it.
The problem was that nothing was anything without Alexa. I love her with a power so pure it sometimes frightens me. Without her, my life has no meaning.
I had been in some life-threatening situations, but I had never been in such jeopardy before.
I got home to Venice and parked in the drive. When I opened the front door, I realized that I had left without turning the alarm on. Like David Slade, deep down I knew I was tougher than anybody dumb enough to come after me. All the lights were still on, just as I'd left them. It was past one A. M. but I knew instantly the house was empty. It had that empty house feel, like a murder scene where everyone was dead.
