Footed and, yes, the Beautiful-Buttocked. I have always been, will always be. I fear, however, that this digression isn't getting us anywhere. Calling my and Dionysus's godhood into question may be childishly satisfying for you but it's hardly diplomacy, and that, after all, is what we're here for, isn't it? Diplomacy? Otherwise I might act undiplomatically myself and point out that there's a certain irony in someone who calls herself Tethys but knows she really isn't accusing someone of not being Aphrodite who knows she really is.'
'I'm glad to hear you wouldn't do that.'
'Love is forgiveness,' said Aphrodite, with magnanimous grace, 'and I am the goddess of love.'
'So,' said Dionysus, 'is there any way we can persuade you that not trying to kill us might be a good idea?' The wine was starting to take effect. His speech had begun to slur: sho, pershuade, ush. 'Can we tempt you with something? Is it money you want? Land? A kingdom to rule over yourselves? I'm sure it could be arranged. Perhaps you'd like Britain. We could afford to let you have it, I'm sure. Nice enough place, bit too damp for my liking and no viniculture to speak of, but architecturally impressive and the British, as a race, have a scrappy tenacity that one can admire if not necessarily warm to. All we'd have to do is ask Bartlett to step down and have you installed in his place. Not difficult. Would that suit?'
'Throw in Outer Mongolia and you've got yourself a deal,' said Ramsay.
'Really? Oh. No. I see. Flippancy.'
'I was going for sarcasm but, hey, flippancy'll do.'
'We're not in this for material gain, Dionysus,' said Sam. 'If you want to offer us something, how about unconditional surrender?'
Dionysus almost popped with laughter. 'What, we shuffle off to Olympus and stay there for ever and never bother anyone again?' he said, refilling his glass for the third time.
'Pretty much.'
'And who would keep an eye on things? Who would suppress the oppressors and tame the tyrants and generally keep humankind on the straight and narrow? Because, let me tell you, if it weren't for us this world would be in a very sorry state indeed. You surely couldn't expect us to sit on our hands and do nothing while injustice and inequality and greed and environmental despoliation all rear their ugly heads again. With our powers? Our strength? What is the point of us if not to save you from your own worst impulses?'
'The point of gods, surely, is not to punish people for doing wrong but encourage people to do right by setting an example,' Sam said. 'Gods should be an inspiration, something to aspire to, not a bunch of bullies throwing their weight around.'
'Jesus Christ and that Mohammed fellow certainly claimed as much,' Dionysus said, 'but then they were men mediating on behalf of a supreme being, trying to reconcile his will with human hopes, and when you get down to it that monotheistic deity of theirs was hardly a poster boy for virtue and tolerance, now was he? Floods. Plagues. Ferocious edicts against homosexuals and women. Ring any bells?'
'But you could be different. You could be the first gods truly deserving of worship. Instead of just slaughtering anyone who disagrees with you or opposes you, you could show compassion and forbforb- What's the damn word?'
'Forbearance?'
'That's the one.' Sam paused to check on herself. Was Dionysus bringing his power to bear on her, fuddling her wits, or had she merely misplaced a word she was looking for, as you did from time to time? She felt OK, she thought. Heart rate a little elevated, which was only to be expected, but otherwise normal. The hypos were within easy reach. Proceed, then, with caution. 'Forbearance. You could take a constructive rather than destructive approach. Help out. Be kind.' She looked significantly at Aphrodite. 'Show love.'
'Love must sometimes be stern,' Aphrodite said. 'A mother must chide and scold, no matter how profoundly she adores her children — because she adores them and wants them to learn rules and manners and do themselves no harm.'
'What was the Obliteration, then?' said Ramsay. 'Hell of a chiding, if you ask me, and it wasn't even like Hong Kong had done anything to offend you.'
'An example had to be set. A city was chosen, one that had prestige and status and seemed to embody everything that mortals hold dear: wealth, ambition, success, acquisitiveness. We had to demonstrate exactly what we were capable of and how far we'd be prepared to go to subdue resistance and bring peace.'
'At a cost of seven million lives?' said Sam.
'Any fewer and you might not have sat up and taken notice. And they had to be civilians, because up until then the Pantheon had caused tens of thousands of military casualties and nobody seemed any too bothered by that. The Obliteration was expedience, on a necessarily grand scale.'
'And you wonder why we hate you,' Mahmoud seethed, 'why we want to depose you. To talk so coolly about a massacre, a holocaust…'
Aphrodite aimed a placid look at her. 'Have you ever owned a pet?'
'No. Why?'
'If you'd owned a pet, you'd know that if it becomes terminally ill, the kindest thing you can do is have it put down. It grieves you but it must be done. That is how we felt about the Obliteration — tragic but unavoidable, an act of love that would appear, on the surface at least, cruel, but was well intentioned. We love you mortals. Truly, we do. We want only what's best for you.'
'And you determine what's best,' said Sam.
'Someone has to. You seem so incapable of doing it yourselves.'
Sam rose.
'Oh,' said Dionysus, wine glass halfway to lips. 'Are we done? So soon? I thought we all seemed to be getting along.'
'I've given you our terms,' Sam said. 'You Olympians stand down. You no longer interfere. In return, we leave you be.'
'You drive a hard bargain,' said Aphrodite. 'No concessions? No room for manoeuvre? We can't make a counteroffer? It's that or nothing?'
'Believe me, this is me being generous. Go and tell Zeus what's on the table.'
'He won't like it,' said Dionysus.
'Use your influence on him, both of you.'
'We wouldn't dare to.'
'Then try appealing to his good nature, if he has one. It's for your own good, yours and the whole Pantheon's.'
'We will at least consider it,' said Aphrodite. 'I promise we will give it great thought. Won't we, Dionysus? We will also sound out the Cloud-Gatherer, circumspectly, to see if there's any likelihood at all of him budging in his viewpoint. If I know my nephew, there won't be, but we can always hope. And maybe, in a day or so, we can meet up again?'
'Maybe.'
'How should we get in touch with you? Passing messages via the Lotus Eaters isn't the most reliable method of communication. If you were to let us have a phone number…?'
Sam deliberated. 'I don't know.'
'We won't try and trace it, if that's what you're worried about. I swear.'
Finally she relented. She scribbled her mobile number down on a scrap of paper. A mobile was less easily traced than a landline, and as long as she kept the conversation brief she doubted Argus would have time to pinpoint her whereabouts.
Before handing the scrap of paper to Aphrodite she said, 'The Olympians keep the world honest through fear. Perhaps the Titans can keep the Olympians honest the same way. Perhaps that's the best we can hope for, detente, a balance of power, a kind of new Cold War.'
Aphrodite, in answer, flashed a white and dazzling smile.
Even her teeth were perfect. The bitch.
56. THE CALL
