Suicide Notes

“So much for Heather’s first time,” Sadie said in her normal voice. “She died a virgin. How sad.”

She was still holding my hand. But now that we weren’t playing the game, it felt a little strange. Still, neither of us let go of the other’s hand. I kind of felt like I should say or do something, but I didn’t know what.

We sat like that until the movie was over. I can’t even tell you how it ended. All I could think about was how warm Sadie’s hand was, and how I hoped I wasn’t sweating or anything. I forgot all about Rankin and, well, everything. It was like when I touched her, some magnetic force in her hand erased all of the stuff in my head.

“All right you two, I think that’s enough television for tonight.”

Nurse Moon’s voice startled me. I’d forgotten all about her. For a minute it was like Sadie and I were just sitting in the living room at home. But Moonie’s voice reminded me where we really were.

It also reminded me that Sadie and I weren’t supposed to be holding hands. I let go of hers just as Nurse Moon walked over and clicked the TV off.

“Off to bed,” she said.

I mumbled a good night to Sadie without looking at her, then walked back to my room. As I was going in, I heard Sadie whisper, “Hey.”

I turned around. She glanced back at the lounge, then leaned in and kissed me quick on the lips. “Good night,” she said.

Day 26

Oh, man. Cat Poop cannot find out about this. Nobody can find out about this. If they do, Sadie and I are both screwed.

Okay, so after Sadie kissed me good night last night, she went back to her room. Nothing else happened. But the thing is, I kept wondering what could have happened. And the more I thought about it, the more I wished something had happened. I tried not to picture it, but when I tried focusing on something else, I kept seeing Rankin again. I definitely didn’t want to go there, so I switched back to Sadie.

That’s when I got up. I told myself I was just going to go to the bathroom. And I did go. I went in there and peed. I thought about taking a shower to relax, but shower = Rankin, and that was not helping. So I started to go back to my room.

But when I walked into the hallway, I ran into Carl. I haven’t mentioned him before because he wasn’t important before, but now he’s really important. Carl walks through the halls every half hour to make sure no one is doing anything they shouldn’t be doing. He’s not an attendant, exactly, because he doesn’t help the nurses with anything medical. He’s more of a night watchman.

Actually, there are two watchmen, and they alternate nights. The other one is a guy named Frank. Frank’s not very friendly. He just does his rounds and almost never says anything. Honestly, I don’t think he’d care if he found one of us dead on the floor. He’d just keep going.

But Carl is different. Carl’s a nice guy. He’s got to be at least sixty. He reminds me of my grand-father. Actually, he is a grandfather. I know because he’s shown me pictures of his grandkids. You always know when Carl’s around because his keys jangle when he walks, like he’s kind of bouncing and the keys knock against his leg. You’d think it would be totally distracting, but it’s actually kind of reassuring to hear him walking past my room.

“Hey, sport,” Carl said when he saw me. He calls everybody sport. It must be a grandpa thing, because mine does it, too. “Can’t sleep?” he asked.

“Uh, just had to, you know, pee,” I told Carl.

He jangled his keys. “I know how that is,” he said. “The older you get, the more you go. I must go four times a night. I’ve got a bladder like a leaky roof.”

“Right,” I said. I mean, what do you say when someone tells you about their bladder? Gee, maybe you should wear a diaper?

“Well, you get back to bed,” said Carl. “I’m heading over to see the other folks for a while.”

He meant he was heading over to the adult ward. Carl always talks about the patients as if they’re his next- door neighbors. I guess he doesn’t want to make us feel bad about being here; unlike Frank, who I once heard whistling the theme music from the Looney Tunes cartoon show while he was making his rounds.

“See you, sport,” Carl said as he walked away.

“See you,” I said back.

I started to go to my room, but something made me turn around. I looked down the hall to where the girls’ rooms are. Carl had just walked through, and I knew he wouldn’t be back for at least half an hour. As long as Moonie stayed in the nurses’ station, I would have thirty minutes before anyone checked on me.

I moved before I could stop myself. I was at Sadie’s door in about ten seconds, and inside right after that. Then I went to her bed. She was asleep on her back. Her hands were on her stomach, and her hair was all over the pillow. Her mouth was open, but she wasn’t snoring or anything. She was just asleep.

I leaned down and kissed her, just like in the movies. When I pulled my head back, her eyes were open and she was looking at me with this dreamy expression.

“Hey,” she said, all sleepy.

“Hey,” I said. “Mind if I share your sleeping bag?”

She didn’t say anything, but she scooted over and lifted the blanket and sheet. I got in next to her.

“Carl will be back in half an hour,” I said.

Honestly, until right then I hadn’t known I was going to do what I did next. I reached out and I put my hand on Sadie’s breast. She was wearing a T-shirt, but I felt everything.

I wasn’t sure what to do next. Then Sadie put her hand on mine, like she had when we were sitting on the couch. “It’s okay,” she said, still sounding half asleep. “You can pretend I’m Allie.”

She took my hand and slid it under her T-shirt. Her nipple poked into my palm, and the skin was warm. I squeezed. Sadie made this funny little noise, like a sigh and a groan all at once. Then she took my hand and moved it down to her panties. I felt the elastic waistband and stopped there. My heart was beating so hard I was sure she could feel it.

“It’s okay,” she said again.

I slipped my fingers underneath the elastic and felt hair. I don’t know why, but I was surprised that it was as rough as mine is. I thought girls would have really soft hair down there, like rabbit fur or something. It felt strange. Also, I’m used to feeling, well, something down there, and it wasn’t there.

Sadie made a soft grunting sound and kissed my neck. I could feel myself getting hard, but I didn’t know what to do next. Was I just supposed to stick it in? Was there something else I was supposed to do first? In the movies they always end the scene before you see that part. And it’s not like someone gives you a manual or anything. I just figured that when the time came, I’d know what to do. But there I was, and I had no clue.

Sadie put her hand into my boxers. I pulled away from her and rolled onto my side.

“What’s wrong?” she asked.

“I hear Carl,” I said. “His keys.”

“I didn’t hear anything,” Sadie said. “It’s probably just the wind.” She started to touch me again, but I wasn’t hard anymore.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I should go.”

I didn’t wait for her to say anything else. I just left. Of course, Carl wasn’t in the hall. I knew he wasn’t. I ran back to my room as fast as I could and got into my own bed.

Day 27

I knew I couldn’t avoid Sadie forever. I mean, it’s not like there’s, oh, anywhere to get away from people for very long around here. In fact, I pretty much ran into her first thing at breakfast.