She got up and bustled out of the kitchen, throwing Cal a wide, gleaming smile over her shoulder as she left.
He returned it and then looked at me. I raised one eyebrow. Cal had been putting this off for far too long; it was time someone got firm with him.
“You and I are best friends, right?” I said. Cal nodded, brow already wrinkling anxiously. To look at him, you’d never know he wasn’t human. I had that thought at least a hundred times since I’d found out what he really was.
“We are,” he agreed. “And I know what you’re going to say, but I can’t—”
“Cal,” I said, “she’s a smart girl. If she loves you, she’ll understand.”
I started to get up and leave, but his next words stopped me. “I’m scared, Aoife.”
I looked back at him. “You think I’m not, Cal? Every day? I’m scared all the time. The trick is not to show it.”
I sat back down and looked him in the eye. Cal was the one person who’d never questioned me, never left my side, and the last thing I wanted was to hurt him. “You’re my best friend,” I said. “You’re the only person I was able to trust for a long time, and I know that you’ll always be there for me.” I sucked in a breath and chewed on my lip for a moment before continuing. “But you have to be yourself, Cal. I know you want to be human, but Bethina deserves the truth. And if she leaves, she wasn’t right for you anyway.”
Cal looked at the scarred tabletop. Decades of Graysons eating and cooking had made it satin-smooth, full of deep grooves and notches. “I don’t want to be alone, Aoife. Even in my nest, I was always the odd one. I can look like this, and the rest of them can only be ghouls. They don’t trust me.” He sucked in a shuddering breath. “I just don’t want to be alone anymore.”
“You’ll never be alone!” I exclaimed. I couldn’t believe Cal would think I’d just drop him suddenly, when I hadn’t even after he’d showed me what he truly was. Then again, he hadn’t shied away from me either, when he’d found out that not only human blood was in my veins. “You’ll always have me,” I said. “We’re supposed to be friends, Cal. Because of who we are, and what we are, and because I know I can trust you.” I pointed to the door Bethina had gone through. “And trust me when I say that you need to go tell her the truth. Will you do that for me?”
Cal sighed, but then he nodded and pushed back from the table. Moving with the greatest of reluctance, he stepped through the door. “Bethina, wait up. I need to talk to you.”
He looked back at me before he walked on, and I gave him a reassuring smile. Cal was lucky. He had someone who loved him, and I hoped it would be unconditional. Not too long before, I would have been jealous of what he had, but now … I got up myself and went upstairs to find Dean.
The small door to the roof-deck was open, cool air drifting through. I climbed the ladder and found Dean leaning on the railing, smoking and looking out over the valley and the village of Arkham. A few people moved on the narrow streets, the first residents to return after the Proctors had abandoned the quarantine.
“You want some company?” I asked. Dean turned and gave me one of the slow, lazy smiles that started a warm feeling in my stomach and spread it everywhere, from the top of my head to the tips of my toes.
“From you, princess?” he said. “Always.”
I went to him and wrapped my arms around him inside his coat, placing my head on his chest and listening to his heart beat. “I’m so glad you’re here, Dean. Just stay here, all right?”
His breath hitched and I looked up. Dean’s expression was pained. I let go of him, already fearing the worst. “What is it?”
“Aoife,” he said, and I knew it was bad. Usually I was “princess” or “darlin’.”
“Please,” I said. “If I did something, just tell me and I’ll try to make it better. Please don’t just dump me.”
“No.” Dean held up his hands. “It’s not you, Aoife. I could never be ticked about anything you did. You saved me from that place where I was dead. And even before that, you got me out of the Rustworks. I was going nowhere fast, and you gave me something I needed and didn’t even realize it.”
“But?” I said, feeling the word on the tip of his tongue.
“You made a sacrifice for your ma, and I understand that,” he said. “My mother and I don’t see eye to eye, but she’s still my mother. But you made an even bigger sacrifice for me, Aoife, and I can’t have that. I won’t have you putting yourself in danger for me like that ever again. I’m not worth it.”
He put his hand against my cheek. “You’re destined for greatness, princess, and I’m just going to get in the way. So I’m going to get out of it and head home. I’ll head back to the Mists, maybe finally do what my mom always wanted and serve the Erlkin on Windhaven for a while.” He leaned forward and pressed a kiss against my forehead, even as I felt myself beginning to shake. “I’ll never forget you, princess. But for your own good, I can’t stay with you.”
I pushed his hand away, my heart throbbing so hard it was like the great pistons that powered the Engine. “Dean Harrison,” I bit out, “you’re an idiot.”
He blinked and looked down at me. “I don’t—”
“I
Dean pulled back, and pushed a hand through his hair. “I had no idea you felt that way, darlin’,” he said.
“Do you love me?” I demanded. The initial shock had worn off now, and I was focused only on keeping him by my side. I needed Dean. I’d learned that much. Without him there was a void that nothing could fill, a void as deep and black as the universe.
“Of course,” he said softly. “You’re the best thing that ever happened to me, princess. I love you so much sometimes I can’t think of anything else. I love you so much it makes it easy to get up in the morning. When I was dead, I remembered that I loved you and it agonized me that we’d never be together again.” He dropped his gaze from mine. “Some spirits tried to forget, tried to get deliberately torn apart so they wouldn’t think of their lives anymore, and it hurt so much down there that sometimes I wanted that. But every time I got close, I’d think of you and how you’d want me to keep fighting, and it was you that kept me going in that place.” He squeezed my hand. “So yeah, I love you.”
“Then there’s nothing else to talk about,” I said. “We belong together, Dean. I can’t imagine my life without you. I want to see what’s coming with you.”
He shivered inside his jacket, putting his arm around me and pulling me close. I molded myself to his side, sharing his warmth. “Storm’s what’s coming, princess,” Dean said as we watched the clouds roll across Arkham Valley, the mist covering everything, hiding the monsters and the people alike.
“I know,” I said. “And I’m going to need you, Dean. The only way we’re going to survive it is together.”
Dean turned me toward him and kissed me gently. “I’m not worried about the future, princess. Not as long as you’re by my side.”
I smiled at him, the first genuine smile I’d felt in some time. “Then neither am I.”
18
The Vastness of Stars
THAT NIGHT I slept the first real, deep sleep since I’d lost Dean, but when I woke I found myself standing and staring down at the same gray spires, the same terrible configuration of an ancient city that I’d visited far too recently.
“It’s a terrible sight,” Crow said, as if he’d been summoned by the wind to stand next to me. One moment he wasn’t there and the next he was, his robe swirling around both of us like errant smoke.
“It looks just the same to me,” I said. “And I really wish you’d stop showing up in my dreams. I didn’t give you permission to invade my sleep whenever you want.”
