are just diced up in smaller chunks.
“Pick something up for Mom. Some souvenir. She senses the truth, I think; that this whole thing of yours is all about avoiding her. Some knickknack.”
“A two-time loser is trying for her third tomorrow. Give your clarity a holiday. And whatever happened to ‘Just bring yourself’?”
“The gift’s insurance. In case you don’t quite manage that.”
“We’re set to taxi and you need to start driving.”
“Got you, brother. We’re already in the Suburban and on our way. I’m holding the phone up. That snoring, all that wheezing? Your entire family sacked out, leaving Kara to do the driving, as usual. So don’t drink a drop. Don’t celebrate too soon.”
“I’m drinking,” I say. “Odometer set to turn over soon.”
“Oh, that.”
She’s the master of small words, so I took the big ones.
“Get in safe,” she says. “There’s weather here. There’s black sky to my south and tons of grass and crap is starting to blow, pretty fast, across the road.”
I arrange my materials as we thrust and rise. On the empty seat to my left I set my HandStar, displaying our flight path as a broken line on its amber credit-card-size screen and programmed so I can advance a jet-shaped icon by toggling a key. Fort Dodge, Iowa, is the milestone, as it’s always been—I like the name—and though it’s all an estimate, of course, and I may already have swept across the line, I’ve always been comfortable with imprecision when it’s in the service of sharpened awareness. Factoring in leap years and cosmic wobble, our anniversaries aren’t our anniversaries, our birthdays are someone else’s, and the Three Kings would ride right past Bethlehem if they left today and they steered by the old stars.
Next I unpocket the single-use camera I bought in a gift shop at McCarran this morning. It has no flash, and I wonder if it needs one, though how could any place have more light than here? I’ll let someone else snap the shot, I’m not sure who, though it will be one of the businessmen, naturally, so the photographer knows what he’s commemorating, its size and mass and scope, and will make sure to aim squarely and hold still and not let his thumb tip jut across the lens. I’ll want at least five shots from different angles and one from directly behind me, of my hair, which is how other flyers mostly see me and how I see them. If there’s too much glare I’ll lower my shade, though now, as the plane icon crosses a state border and in the real sky clouds accumulate, I see that I’ll have no problems from the sun, which is nothing but a corona around a thunderhead.
And of course I set out the corny story I wrote after he died and before my sad sabbatical studying the true meaning of train songs. After the other students were done abusing it, I stashed it in the pocket of my travel jacket, where it’s been graying and softening ever since. I honestly don’t remember how it goes, just that I wrote it the night I understood that rowing the uncomprehendingly unwanted across deep waters was not my heart’s desire and needed a limit placed on it, a stop sign. The night I hatched this whole plan, wherever that was, bubble-bathing in some Homestead Suites with a cold beer on the tub that fell and smashed when I reached for it with soapy hands. I had to get out and towel off and drain the tub and feel for silvers, because the glass was clear.
“Excuse me. I was back in the wrong seat. This one with the stuff on it is mine, I think.”
It’s a voice I’ve only heard in dreams, where it was usually half an octave lower and transparently that of my father at fifty, when he first ran for representative and adopted the hands-off approach to gas delivery that emboldened a ruthless competitor based way off in St. Paul but spreading west. The face, though, I know from pictures in his magazine. That sun-kissed golf-and-tennis ageless skin I liked to think had been softened in the dark room, but appeals even more in person, I now see. The worry lines around the eyes are new, though, and there’s an acrid top note in his breath—of failure and drift and working for one’s self.
I gather my things and pouch them in my seatback and start to stand, though he motions me back down. “You’re it today. You’re on your throne. Don’t move. It’s Soren. I feel like we know each other, Ryan. Christine, a bottle of white. No stingy miniatures.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Cold, not lukewarm.”
“Don’t carry that kind. Sorry.” A joke between them. Everyone knows the service has fallen off and no one, not even the chief, knows what to do. More money, and a shower in his office, but on the whole he’s in this with the rest of us.
Morse nestles in beside me and we shake hands and then we stretch out a little and touch elbows. He pulls his arm away first and lets mine rest. The plane skims over what feels like washboard gravel and rumbles some, and glasses chatter on trays.
“The way our best math minds have tallied it,” he says, “as of today, you’re our tenth. Congratulations. You expected a private lunch, I realize, but this’ll have to be our date, right here. My board and I came to terms a week ago and I’m moving on effective six October. It’s more meaningful this way. Share the living moment.”
“Yes. It is.” I’m back the way I started; single syllables. They get the point across.
“Funny story. We counted wrong before—” Christine arrives with a bottle, glasses, napkins, and as we unlatch our trays more rumbles come and then a tricky atmospheric pothole that lasts just a second but jostles pretty Christine and forces her to stiff-arm Morse’s seat corner. The glasses ring together in her hand and down floats a napkin, onto Morse’s knee.
“We thought the big trip was Billings-Denver,” he says. “We had a party set up in the crew lounge. We paged, but I guess the speakers weren’t so clear. We’d estimated wrong, so it was fine.”
The man’s unemployed now. His next step won’t be up. It’s over the instant they tell you, not the moment you go.
“You did it again in Reno this week,” I say. Christine is decanting, but shouldn’t be on her feet—not with the seat belt sign lit. It just came on.
“I’m not aware—”
