capacity to nurture and protect.”
“I don’t understand the connection. Are you implying your mother was in prison at some point?”
“She never held me to her breast, never suckled me, never soothed me with her heartbeat, never had eye contact with me when she fed me with a bottle, with a spoon, a shovel, a backhoe. Did she admit all this when you taped her? Did you ask her about our history?”
“When we tape a subject’s mother, we don’t need to know the history of their relationship.”
“Her refusal to bond with me compounded my feelings of rejection, my resentment, made me more prone to blame her for my father’s leaving me.”
“You mean his dying.”
“Interesting, don’t you think? Kay and I both lost our fathers at an early age, and both of us became doctors. But I heal the minds of the living while she cuts up the bodies of the dead. I’ve always wondered what she’s like in bed. Considering her occupation.”
“You blame your mother for your father’s death.”
“I was jealous. Several times I walked in on them while they were having sex. I saw it. From the doorway. My mother giving her body to him. Why him and not me? Why her and not me? I wanted what they gave to each other, not realizing what that meant, because certainly I didn’t want oral or genital sex with my parents and didn’t understand that part of it, what they did as things progressed. I probably thought they were in pain.”
“At not quite two, you walked in on them more than once and remember it?” He has placed the diagnostic manual under his chair, is taking notes now.
She readjusts her position on the bed, makes herself more comfortable and provocative, making sure Benton is aware of her body’s every contour. “I saw my parents alive, so vital, and then in the blink of an eye he was gone. Kay, on the other hand, witnessed her father’s long, lingering death from cancer. I lived with loss and she lived with dying and there’s a difference. So you see, Benton, as a psychiatrist, my purpose is to understand my patient’s life, while Kay’s is to understand her patient’s death. That must have some effect on you.”
“We’re not here to talk about me.”
“Isn’t it wonderful that the Pavilion doesn’t adhere to rigid institutional rules? Here we are. Despite what happened when I was admitted. Has Dr. Maroni told you about coming into my room, not this one, the first one? Shutting the door, loosening my gown? Touching me? Was he a gynecologist in a former career? You seem uncomfortable, Benton.”
“Are you feeling hypersexual?”
“So now I’m having a manic episode.” She smiles. “Let’s see how many diagnoses we can conjure up this afternoon. That’s not why I’m here. We know why I’m here.”
“You said it was because of the e-mail you discovered while you were taking a break at the studio. Friday before last.”
“I told Dr. Maroni about the e-mail.”
“From what I understand, all you told him is you’d gotten one,” Benton says.
“If it were possible, I might suspect all of you hypnotically lured me here because of that e-mail. But that would be something out of a movie or a psychosis, wouldn’t it?”
“You told Dr. Maroni you were terribly upset and feared for your life.”
“And then I was given drugs against my will. Then he fled to Italy.”
“He has a practice there. Is always in and out, especially this time of year.”
“The Dipartimento di Scienze Psichiatriche at the University of Rome. He has a villa in Rome. He has an apartment in Venice. He’s from a very wealthy Italian family. He’s also the clinical director of the Pavilion, and everyone does as he says, including you. Before he left the country, we should have sorted through what happened after I checked in.”
“‘Checked in’? You seem to refer to McLean as if it’s a hotel.”
“Now it’s too late.”
“Do you really believe that Dr. Maroni touched you inappropriately?”
“I believe I’ve made that patently clear.”
“So you do believe it.”
“Everybody here would deny it.”
“We absolutely wouldn’t. If it were true.”
“Everybody would deny it.”
“When the limousine brought you to admissions, you were quite lucid but agitated. Do you remember that? Do you remember talking to Dr. Maroni in the admissions building and telling him you needed a safe refuge because of an e-mail and would explain later?” Benton asks. “Do you remember becoming provocative with him both verbally and physically?”
“You have quite the bedside manner. Perhaps you should go back to the FBI and use rubber hoses and whatnot. Perhaps break into my e-mail and my homes and my bank accounts.”
“It’s important you remember what you were like when you first got here. I’m trying to help you do that,” he says.
“I remember him coming into my room here at the Pavilion.”
“That was later on — in the evening — when you suddenly became hysterical and incoherent.”
“Brought on by drugs. I’m very sensitive to drugs of any sort. I never take them or believe in them.”
“When Dr. Maroni came into your room, a female neuropsychologist and a female nurse were already there with you. You continued to say that something wasn’t your fault.”
“Were you there?”
“I wasn’t.”
“I see. Because you act as if you were.”
“I’ve read your chart.”
“My chart. I suppose you fantasize about selling it to the highest bidder.”
“Dr. Maroni asked you questions while the nurse checked your vitals, and it became necessary to sedate you by intramuscular injection.”
“Five milligrams Haldol, two milligrams Ativan, one milligram Cogentin. The infamous five-two-one chemical restraint used on violent inmates in forensic units. Imagine. My being treated like a violent prisoner. I remember nothing after that.”
“Can you tell me what wasn’t your fault, Dr. Self? Did it have to do with the e-mail?”
“What Dr. Maroni did wasn’t my fault.”
“So your distress had nothing to do with the e-mail that you said was your reason for coming to McLean?”
“This is a conspiracy. All of you are in on it. That’s why your comrade Pete Marino contacted me, isn’t it? Or maybe he wants out. He wants me to rescue him. Just like I did in Florida. What are you people doing to him?”
“There’s no conspiracy.”
“Do I see the investigator peeking out?”
“You’ve been here for ten days. And told no one the nature of this e-mail.”
“Because it’s really about the person who has sent me a number of e-mails. To say
“Who?”
“A person Dr. Maroni could have helped. A very disturbed individual. No matter what he’s done or hasn’t done, he needs help. And if something happens to me, or to someone else, it’s Dr. Maroni’s fault. Not mine.”
“What might be your fault?”
“I just said nothing would be.”
“And there’s no e-mail you can show me that might help us understand who this person is and perhaps protect you from him?” he says.
“It’s interesting, but I’d forgotten you work here. I was reminded when I saw the ad for your research study posted in admissions. Then, of course, Marino said something when he e-mailed me. And that’s not
“I’d like to talk to you about any e-mails you’ve received. Or sent.”
