I ran from chest to chest, flinging them all open. I pulled a tapestry from the wall, exposing the storage shelves of vases and ornaments behind it. There was no sign of the wooden fertility implement anywhere in the room.
'I know what you do with this thing,' said Lygdus.
I span around in shock. The young eunuch was lolling at the door, cradling the phallus in his hands.
'I know what you do — you shove it inside her.'
All words failed me in my exposure.
Lygdus smirked. 'You think I just stuff myself with cakes all the time while whining like a brat? I'm studying you, Iphicles, in all the hours we spend together. I study you like a book.'
I said nothing, waiting for him to make clear his intentions.
Lygdus placed the phallus tip beneath his nostrils and gave it a little sniff. He recoiled. 'So is this what her sex smells of? This stinks like poison.'
My guilty silence was the most the damning noise I could have made.
Lygdus's eyes widened. 'This is poison?'
The time it took for the breath to leave my lungs was all I had to decide on how to respond. Lygdus wasn't screaming in horror, or calling me a monster or a wretch. He was staring in shock, yes, but there was something else, too. He was impressed. I saw the merest shadow of my reflection in his eyes.
'It paralyses her,' I said.
Lygdus dropped the thing like it burned his hands.
'But it's failed. She can already see again and now she's beginning to speak.'
A wave of thrilled delight washed over the eunuch's face. 'You hate the Augusta?' he whispered.
Of course this wasn't true. I loved my domina more than anything and everything there was. But I saw in his smile the answer he wanted me to give, so I said, 'I hate her with all my soul.'
Lygdus gave a little giggle. 'Really?'
I nodded, solemn.
'Well, I can beat that — I hate them all!'
I burst out laughing in surprise.
'I want to see them dead. I want to see them nailed to trees. Every last dominus, every domina — they're all pigs. I want to slaughter them. I want to eat them.'
I had to steady myself.
'They cut off my balls,' Lygdus went on. 'They left me in a sheep's pen with the blood and the pain, and no one even cared if I lived or died. But I beat them — I didn't give up. Yet still I swelled like an elephant and my voice stayed like a boy's.'
I tried hard not to laugh now.
'I heard they cut off your balls too?' he said.
I couldn't tell him that I had made this sacrifice myself. 'It's true,' I lied.
The eunuch leaped from the door and threw his arms around me. 'We're brothers,' he declared, kissing my face and hair, 'brothers in suffering.'
I could only nod.
Lygdus stopped his kisses and took a step back to examine my face. 'Have you ever hurt one?' he whispered. 'One of them — have you ever hurt one, Iphicles?'
I took my final gamble. It was time for the truth again, or at least a version of it. 'I've done more than hurt — I've killed one, Lygdus. More than one, actually.'
Lygdus went white. I felt the back of my tunica belt, letting my fingers rest on the dagger I kept there. I intended killing him if I had misjudged my gamble, and would have to face the consequences later. Everything hinged on what he would do next.
The eunuch sank to his haunches and started kissing my shoes.
'What are you doing?'
'Show me your skills,' he begged me. 'Let me learn from your wisdom, Iphicles.'
'Stop that — let go of me.'
'I want to kill them too.'
'What?'
'Trust me, Iphicles — I want to kill them like you.'
I tried to pull my feet away but one of my woollen house shoes came loose in Lygdus's hands. The eunuch seized upon my bare foot, plunging his tongue between the spaces and placing my toes within his lips. My repulsion only lasted a few moments. I looked back to my domina, who was watching the whole exchange from her throne.
I gave her a long, bright smile, showing her every one of my teeth. She could not return the smile, but I wondered then, if she had regained the ability, whether she would have grinned back at me regardless of our differences. If only because I so richly deserved it.
I looked down at the fawning Lygdus and thanked the Great Mother for the gifts she continued to give me.
When my domina was nearly smothered in garlands and ready for her procession, Lygdus and I resumed our conversation while we waited for the litter-bearers. I asked the eunuch what he expected to gain from such murderous desires. Lygdus claimed to want nothing. Money had no appeal for him, nor did sexual pleasure, he said. The only things that held his interest were matters of the heart. His greatest desire was to serve a master who loved him. But he had given up this dream as hopeless. None of them would love him. This was why he wanted them dead.
I suspected the young eunuch was not wholly right in the head, but when I thought of the intense interest he had shown in my feet I could only marvel. Perhaps Lygdus's 'deserving master' could even be a slave?
It was then that he told me about his thwarted visit to Tiberius. Thrown by this revelation, I went very still. 'Why did you go to see him, Lygdus?'
The eunuch told me that he'd wanted to inform the Emperor of the birth of Livilla's boy. I absorbed this. 'But Tiberius would have found out himself the same night. Why did he need to hear it from you?'
Lygdus raised his eyes again and his look was flirtatious. 'Because I knew what no one else knew, Iphicles, and I still know it now.'
Although my eyes narrowed, my smile took on a shadow of flirtation too, just to encourage him to tell me. 'What would that be?'
Lygdus placed a hand upon his breast to feel the heartbeat fluttering beneath the mound of his flesh. 'My dominus Castor is not the father of that child.'
After a long moment I said, 'No one else knows it?'
'No one but my domina, Livilla, and she'll never dare tell anyone. And the baby's father knows it too. He's always known.'
'And how do you know?'
'I overhear my domina 's prayers.'
The eunuch had greater stealth and cunning than I had given him credit for. All he lacked was execution. There was another long pause as we stared at each other.
'And who is the father?' I asked at last, my voice the lowest of whispers.
Lygdus told me.
I gave a sigh of pleasure as so many things made sense. I fancied I heard Livia make a similar noise, although I'm sure there was little pleasure in it for her. But when I looked to her, she gave nothing away. We heard the litter-bearers' boots echoing up the corridor towards the suite. Castor's Forum procession was starting.
'Perhaps it's time the secret lovers came out into the open?' I whispered to Lygdus.
'They'll never do that. It would ruin them both.'
'Perhaps we can do something so that there will be no scandal? Perhaps we can make them see that they have a hope of being happy one day?'
'Will we kill someone to do it?'
The eight litter-bearers entered the room and took their positions under the poles that ran along each side of my domina 's throne. I saw the glint of what I thought were tears in her eyes. Tears of what, I wondered. Horror?
