courtship of Bianca Courtney. Then, poor Binky once again aided and abated me in my determination to succumb to lust and debauchery.
Are you having dinner with us tonight, Archy?” Binky asked.
“Us? Who’s us?” Was I to be included in another Chinese takeout orgy?
“Connie and me. She’s taking me to the Pelican tonight to celebrate my move to the Palm. I think she bought me something, Archy, because she wanted to know what my color scheme was in my bath.”
“Really? And what is your color scheme?”
“The tile and walls and basin are white, so I told her white was my scheme.”
And my scheme was unfurled before me like bunting at a political convention. With Binky and Connie at the Pelican, I could pick up Bianca without being seen by Binky and not have to worry about running into Connie. Things were looking up. It was a dastardly plan, but all’s fair in love and war and wooing in a trailer park. And if Connie ever learned she was playing decoy for my philandering she would make a spa do out of me in dos minutos. The danger was an aphrodisiac to my senses. Lucky Bianca.
“I’m sorry, Binky, but I can’t join you. I have a previous engagement.
Give Connie my love.”
“I’ll tell her, Archy.” Before leaving he said with a contrived show of modesty, “I have to report to Mrs. Trelawney at four. What do you suppose that’s all about?”
That was all about Binky’s housewarming. The participating staff would get there fifteen minutes before four, with their loot, and shout surprise when the new leaseholder entered, all agog. What schmaltz. I had to remember to tell Binky to make a list of who gave him what so when recompense time rolled around in the form of Lucy’s wedding, Moe’s retirement, and little Jason’s bris, he could respond in kind. “You know very well what it’s all about, young man. You will walk into Mrs.
Trelawney’s office bereft of household furnishings and emerge better stocked than Sears. You’ll not get it all into your car in one trip.”
“I rented a U-Haul,” he boasted.
“Don’t you think that was a little presumptuous?”
“You always told me to come prepared, Archy, remember?”
Unfortunately, I do remember. That rash counsel led to Binky purchasing a gross of condoms, which he keeps in the trunk of his car.
If he ever gets stopped and searched I’d like to be present when he explains the cache. “Enjoy your moment in the sun,” I told him.
“You won’t be there?”
“No. I don’t attend office galas; that’s why I brought my gift to your door.”
To Bianca’s door,” he corrected.
“Yes. To Bianca’s door.”
Binky left, momentarily, and returned with, “Who was in the stretch limo, Archy?”
Poor Dickey Cranston. The only person who didn’t know about his car being at the Palm was Her Majesty unless, of course, she had ordered Chinese takeout from the Pagoda. “None of your business, Binky.”
“That’s what I thought. See you, Archy.”
The phone rang. It was Connie inviting me to dinner at the Pelican. I told her, as I had just told Binky, that I had a previous engagement. A business engagement,” I stressed.
“What kind of business?” The ever trustful Connie stressed right back.
“The kind of business that pays the rent, that’s what kind.”
“You don’t pay rent, Archy.”
“It was a figure of speech.”
“Really? Well, make sure that’s the only figure you’ll be doing business with tonight.”
Connie has a way of belying our ‘arrangement’ that gets me right where I live. I told her I was seeing an old friend of my father’s who was eighty-six, in a wheelchair, and thought senile was a river.
“Sounds like fun,” Connie said.
“Not as much fun as dinner with you and Binky. What did you get the boy?”
Two bath towels, two hand towels, and two face cloths. All in royal blue.”
“But his scheme is white.”
“The room is white,” Connie said. “It must be like living inside a giant eggshell. It cries out for contrast.” A moment later she was jabbering, “And have you heard about his new girl? She lives next door. Binky is acting like a schoolboy.”
“I’ve never known Binky to act like anything but. And he’s had crushes before this. In fact he’s seldom without one.”
“But never one right next door, Archy. With Binky it’s usually out of sight, out of mind, but with this one he’ll very seldom be out of sight. He’s going to tell me all about her tonight.”
Not unless I killed him first and hid his body in the U-Haul. Binky would tell Connie how he had so gallantly brought Archy and Bianca Courtney together in the interest of justice. He would bare the saga of the microwave drop-off, the date to visit her former place of employment, etc.” etc.” and
God help me. But why should he? I’m a cad.
“Connie,” I began, not knowing what would come next.
“Gotta go, Archy. Madam is buzzing. Can you get her a meeting with Sabrina Wright? She keeps asking.”
“Sabrina Wright and I are incommunicado.. ” Click. The line went dead, but not for long. Before I could formulate Binky’s demise it rang again.
“Archy McNally here.”
“You black-hearted swine. You two-timing sod. What happened to my interview with Sabrina Wright? I told my editor it was in the bag and he reserved space. I now have a lot of space to fill and nothing to fill it with except, hopefully, your obit.”
“Lolly, give me a chance…”
“I did give you a chance. I revealed my source in return for a favor and got the shaft.”
“You said your source was an anonymous caller.”
“So I revealed my anonymous source, what difference does it make? What the hell is going on, Archy? Tell me and no McNally finagling or I’ll do you-know-what for you-know-who-to-read.”
I was being threatened with blackmail from every corner. Now I had to placate Lolly, silence Binky, and place him in the U-Haul, call Bianca to do you-know-what, and prevent you-know-who from reading about it.
What’s a Discreet Inquirer to do? There just weren’t enough hours in the day.
“Sabrina’s not speaking to me, Lol. She ended our brief relationship before I could set you up with her. That’s the truth.”
“Sabrina Wright is yesterday’s news,” Lolly’s tirade continued. “She’s at The Breakers, still playing Garbo, but her daughter is all over town acting like a publicity-crazed starlet.”
I was already seated, so I couldn’t collapse into a chair. “What are you talking about?” Did I sound convincing? It made no difference.
Lolly was so excited he wouldn’t notice if I were, nor would he care.
“The girl, her name is Gillian, visits the library daily, and delves into the archives of our local periodicals. She’s interested in any social items that date back decades.”
“How do you know this, Lol?”
“Because she calls my editor and questions him about these items.
Archy, the guy wasn’t born when the stories ran. Colleagues tell me she also calls other rags, from here to Miami, asking the same thing.”
This was the worst possible scenario come to fruition. Those star-crossed lovers didn’t know what they were doing. Palm Beach is not only a small town, it’s a burg that thrives on gossip, be it true, false, or so what? They say a secret whispered over lunch at Cafe L’Europe would be the topic of conversation at every dinner table along Ocean Boulevard that night.
Sabrina must be ready to kill both her daughter and Zack Ward. How long would it be before Appleton got wind of this, if he hadn’t already? With Cranston’s network of informants he probably was told what the pair were
