Doubletake

mothers they were—“I gated him about one-fourth of a mile away. If he’s a fast runner, he’ll be back to annoy us—I mean you—soon enough.”

He would be too, the way he moved. I saw where Niko had obtained the potential to become the fighter he was. If he hadn’t put in the work, studied martial arts, trained in every single method he could get his hands on, the potential might have stayed dormant. But he had put in the work. He had to keep his brother alive from the pursuing monsters until I was old enough to do it myself, and that took effort.

All of his life had been about making sure I kept mine.

Giving Niko a better life, Kalakos had said.…That bastard.

I popped two waffles into the toaster. “Is it all right if I hate the son of a bitch for you?” I asked, pretending to search for syrup in the wrong cabinet. “He’s a dick and he screwed you bigger than anything, but he’s your father.…Guess it’s polite to ask: Can I hate him?” I already did, but if Niko had a problem with it, I’d pretend otherwise. If Niko wanted to bond with the deserting dick, the absentee asshole, I’d grit my teeth and go along with that as well. I’d despise it, and keep hating underneath, but I’d do it. To say I owed my brother didn’t quite cover it.

“Don’t worry.” Niko handed me the syrup from the pantry, ending my charade of not meeting his eyes. “He didn’t come for me and then he didn’t come for us both. You aren’t his son, but you’re my brother and he knew that. Family is family. He is not ours. He deserted not only me, but you as well.” His smile wasn’t savage as mine had been, but it was far more bitter.

“Trust me, Cal. I hate him enough for us both.”

Niko hated.

The younger me, the Cal of eight years ago, felt a pang of regret.

4

Several months ago, I’d killed eight members of my family.

No, that wasn’t what I meant, whether it was true or not.

Several months ago there was a somewhat, in some people’s eyes, relatively normal Cal—or by and large normal—the best he was able to be as a half Auphe. Occasionally he did lose his shit, attacked and ate deer while on road trips through the woods, created massive holes in between dimensions to shove through malevolently murderous pucks, and once in a while ripped out an Auphe’s throat with his teeth. He also opened a gate or two to save his friends, blew up an antihealer from the inside out to save the world, cleaned his guns while watching porn, and generally was a smart-ass to everyone.

Normal.

I opened the front door to the Ninth Circle to start preparation for the Panic. There was nothing normal about that.

But I had been normal, considering the world we lived in.

Again, in some people’s eyes…

Then that Cal was jumped by several Great Dane–size spiders in Central Park and bitten on his way home from this same bar. The venom caused the loss of most of his memories and separated the human part of Cal from the Auphe part for a while. The Auphe genes concentrated solely on fixing the damage located in the section of the mind that stored memory. They ignored the rest of the body and brain unaffected by the venom. And while they were occupied the rest of the suddenly mostly human Cal showed what he could’ve been—in a fictional world where Auphe hadn’t existed, where they hadn’t been half of what he was. A dream. A “what if” in a world where “what if” are the cruelest words around. Finally the poison’s effects were healed, and not only the amnesia, but something else—a mental split that had existed since birth, a defect, the Auphe would’ve said—joined back together and there weren’t two different Cals anymore: the human one who was snarky and would take you down if you deserved it and then the subconscious Auphe one who wanted out, although it took him nineteen years, wanted free, who thought control was a disease and slaughter the most natural thing there could be.

Those two Cals became one. The venom had activated the Auphe healing to the extent that it had done more than return my memories. It had interwoven what had once been separate. And now there was me. I was improved. I had control, something I believed I’d always lack.

Having control, that was something unbelievable. Incredible. There was no more reverting to the other half of my gene pool and chasing and eating Bambi in the woods, because there was no other half anymore—not mentally. There was something new and now whole formed by a joining of Auphe and human.

Something new, something old, something unlike anything on this earth.

I was in command, darker maybe, but the darkness was worth it.

Darker than dark, blacker than night. Yessss.

Enough, Gollum. Christ. I’d gotten the point already.

But it was worth the trade—I thought. Before, I wouldn’t kill you unless I had to…although I might want to if you pissed me off. Now the whole—the new—Cal wouldn’t kill you unless I had to; I’d just want to a whole lot more—and you didn’t always have to piss me off to have me fondling my guns. The drive was increased, but the decision was the same…because of the control. I held back, unless you did have it coming to you.

Killer, raper, monster, maimer.

Past Cal would’ve put you down. I would too, but first you’d have the tour. Down and down, ’round and ’round, through Caliban’s town. In the past, it would’ve been quick. Now I took my time. Your pain equaled your victims. Your amount to arrive six feet under, it took longer.

Niko believed in karma in the next life. I believed in karma in this one, and I was a stand-up soldier when it came to delivering it. The decisions I would’ve made in the past, they hadn’t changed. Much. The punishment… that I fulfilled more appropriately according to the crime and the time. I was the right hand of justice and the left hand of the undertaker.

Clever excuses. But why do you think ending the useless needs them?

The spider venom, the biological repair, had stabilized me—Niko, Robin, Promise, and I, we’d all recognized that. I hadn’t settled where others in the supernatural community would’ve liked, but I was stabilized. That, for everyone around me, was a relief, because it was one hell of a slippery slope, as they say, when my Auphe genes began to overcome the weaker human genes. Auphe genes always win—that’s what a long-gone healer friend of ours had said.

He’d been right—until now. And would be right again…maybe…sometime in the future.

There were the dreams too. Awash in blood and the hunt. Did I ever have dreams that heart- pounding? That savored?

So wild?

So wanted.

Black thoughts and scarlet dreams, they didn’t mean anything in the end—unless they were useful. I was in command of myself now and that was all I needed to know. I would do what had to be done only when it had to be done, and if I enjoyed it a great deal more, then that was a win-win.

I flipped on all the lights in the bar. The last thing I wanted was a dim atmosphere that assisted the pucks in scheming, assaulting, stealing, and a hundred other things.

While at least I was in control of my mind, I knew I was way out of my depth on the approaching situation. The Panic? No fucking way. I tied the black apron around my waist and started lining up glasses on the bar of the Ninth Circle as I used that control to consider something else besides pucks. I thought about consequences— something I rarely did.

Consequences were boring.

Yet sometimes you had to man up and face them.

That wasn’t boring. That just sucked. But for my brother, I would do it.

Not that it still didn’t suck.

“You think I made a mistake gating that SOB to the boggles before we found out what the Vayash burden is?” I asked my brother, who was working beside me with methodical movements.