***
Lying on my bed roll that night, I couldn’t help but think about what Santino said a few nights ago about never finding another woman like Helena. It couldn’t have been a coincidence that someone like Agrippina, someone who could murder on a whim, shows up and basically threatens her. The idea had me more worried than the mission, but I couldn’t write Agrippina off completely yet. History had already proved an unreliable source of information, so maybe she wasn’t all that bad.
And maybe she really liked me…
As if on cue, Helena entered the tent, removed her duty gear, and slid into place beside me, but kept even more distance than normal. We laid there for a few minutes before I couldn’t take the silence anymore. “Are you all right?”
She didn’t turn to look. “There any reason I shouldn’t be?”
“You seemed awfully quiet today, that’s all.”
“Maybe if you hadn’t spent so much time with your new friend, you’d have seen just how talkative I really was.”
I shot up to a sitting position. “You see? That’s what I’m talking about. If I didn’t know any better I’d say you were jealous.”
She finally looked at me. “I’m not jealous.”
“Then what’s wrong?”
“I just don’t trust her, and neither should you.”
“I’m not.”
“Then why go with her?”
“No, you tell me the truth first. Why are you so upset?” I tried to keep the frustration from infecting my tone, but I couldn’t help it. “I hate games.”
She sat up as well and barked a quick laugh. “Is that what this is to you? A game? I’ll tell you now this most certainly isn’t a game to me.”
I shook my head. “I don’t understand where you’re going with this.”
She looked surprised but laughed again as she shook her head. “You don’t? After all these months, and you still don’t understand where we’re ‘going with this’? After everything we’ve been through and everything we’ve shared?”
“Helena, what…”
“You really are a dense man, Lieutenant,” she said, practically yelling. “Fine. Go get yourself killed. Don’t expect any help from me.”
I was suddenly very, very, angry. “I never asked for your help, Helena! I don’t need it! I don’t need anyone’s!”
She looked at me with downtrodden eyes and nodded to no one but herself. I couldn’t believe I said what I said when I said it. I didn’t need anyone’s help? Why would I say something like that?
“Helena… I…” I trailed off, not knowing what to say. Helena gave me one last sad look before she crawled under her sleeping bag and rolled away from me. I didn’t understand how this conversation derailed the way it did and I didn’t understand why, through all of the anger, I felt the first real connection with her in months. I wasn’t an idiot. I thought I knew what she was implying and I was ready to go there as well, but everything had unraveled so quickly.
I stared at Helena’s shapeless form within her sleeping bag and wondered about my own comments. They were so unlike me that I had trouble even believing them, but I’d said them — and I’d meant them.
I had to sleep so I shifted onto my side to face away from Helena and closed my eyes. Sleep would not come easy tonight. I’d crossed a line I wasn’t sure I realized I crossed until now and the thought frightened me. I didn’t want to become the kind of person who couldn’t rely on anyone or wouldn’t rely on anyone. I needed my friends, and I especially needed Helena.
What had I done?
***
As we journeyed south towards Rome, Santino and I rode atop black Spanish stallions, a favorite amongst Rome’s leading citizens. As a kid, my sister had taken horseback riding lessons for years and I would watch when it was time to pick her up. Every once in a while she would teach me a few pointers when she had time, so I had come to ancient Rome as a somewhat experienced equestrian. Santino, however, had a rougher time of it.
As he learned how to ride over the winter, I’d had a hard time imagining the scrappy Italian from one of the seediest areas of New York ever riding a horse, and he proved my point by doing so like a drunken sailor. We had all gotten a good laugh out of it, and Helena, easily the most graceful of us all on a horse, took great pleasure in watching him fall time and time again.
As for Helena, I tried not to think about her, but my thoughts often drifted towards our last night together. When I tried to reconcile with her before I left, the only response I’d gotten was a sad and scared look from eyes that were bloodshot and puffy. She looked as though she hadn’t slept all night, and had spent most of it crying. I couldn’t stop thinking about that morning and how she looked. I didn’t understand the tears at first, but I now realize she had to have been crying for me. Crying that I had become some kind of monster or that she somehow knew I was going to die in a place where she couldn’t help me.
The thoughts plagued me, but at least I had Santino for company. We’d made good time on our first day, and I calculated we’d be in Rome within a few days. I had spent that time worried Agrippina might try something on me again, but I was happy to discover she had turned her attention elsewhere.
During our first night, she and Santino chatted quietly with one another as we sat in our rented rooms. People would be surprised to learn that Roman highways functioned much like modern day interstates, complete with Holiday Inn type establishments dotted along roadway sporadically, just without the turn down service and free continental breakfast. Our rooms were acceptable, and while the three of us were hanging out in Agrippina’s room currently, we’d booked a second one for the boys. I sat aloof from them both, near the window, and cringed every time I heard giggles emanate from the treacherous woman as they joked and laughed freely. I was surprised that when I ordered lights out, Santino hadn’t stayed the night. After we packed up the next morning, and continued our journey, I asked him why he hadn’t.
“Big boobs, a firm ass, perfect skin, and a beautiful smile aren’t everything I look for in a woman, you know,” he answered.
I snorted. “Bullshit. What’s the deal? She seemed willing and able, and if not willing, at least she wouldn’t have said no.” I paused. “Even if she is evil…”
“I know.” He sighed. “Guess I’m getting soft in my old age. I just don’t want to risk anything by jumping into bed with her. She seems like trouble.”
“Oh, she is my friend, she is,” I told him, an image of Agrippina’s offer that involved Helena popping into my mind, “but I suspect it would be worth it.”
“What are you two talking about?” Agrippina interrupted from behind us.
I looked back at her, noticing she still looked beautiful, but conservatively dressed for once. “Nothing, ma’am, just talking strategy.”
She made a pouty sound and looked off into the distance. Maybe I was giving her too much credit, and she really was just some dopy teenager at heart.
I turned back to Santino and jabbed a finger towards his face. “Don’t let your emotions get in the way of letting you do what you want. Doing so leads to all kinds of internal struggles and moral dilemmas. It can get ugly.” I cocked my head, wondering where such hypocritical insight came from.
Santino glanced down at his horse’s mane and shook his head with a big grin on his face. “You’re not seriously lecturing me, are you? I mean, you do know who you’re talking to, right? It’s me.”
I couldn’t help but chuckle. “I know. I’m just saying.”
He laughed again. “Well, you’re just full of helpful information then, aren’t you? Maybe you should have been a guidance counselor or something.”
