The Immortal Circus (Cirque des Immortels)

brown eyes. When he sees me, he kneels down in the puddle beside me and asks my name, asks why I’m crying in an alley, and I can’t answer. He doesn’t wince at the blood on my jeans that turns the water pink, or the blood on my hands and in my hair. He puts a hand on the side of my temple and his touch is cool in a way that makes the pain feel better. His eyes go wide and he whispers, Oh.

“No,” I say, my voice cracking. “What…is this?”

“It’s what you wanted,” he says. He’s there at my side, I can tell. I can feel his shadow in the sun and his voice so much closer. “It’s what you asked for.”

“How much did you erase? Why would you change my memory, make me think I was bitten when it was Lilith who nearly killed everyone?”

“I had no say in that,” he says. “Lilith’s secret is written into everyone’s contract, except for mine. Mab decided it was safer that way. And I swear to you, I only erased the memories you wanted gone. I couldn’t change the fact that you wanted to forget all of them.”

“Why? Why would I ever want that?”

“Because of your visions. They drove you here. You wanted to forget.” His voice is soft, so soft. I curl in on myself and try to block out the burning in my head, the screams of memories fighting to the surface. I don’t want them. I don’t want the pain that’s clawing itself to consciousness. The train is closer, the rails shaking. But I don’t want to lose this truth, either — I don’t want to keep hiding from myself. Whatever the cost.

“What are they?” I whisper, the burning growing to a wildfire. “The visions? Why me?”

“It’s who you are; you get glimpses of what was, or what’s yet to come. Whatever you saw before coming here made you want to lock them away. But…you can’t hide from them forever. Not even my magic can change what you’re born with. I can only hold the power off.”

He gently puts a hand on my shoulder. I want to flinch but I can’t move. “Take a deep breath,” he says.

“Don’t,” I say. I want to. I want to fall into his arms and I want to trust him. I want all of this to go away, to forget it all because I was happier not knowing. But I can’t. I can’t go back to that. I can’t keep hiding, even though I wish I could.

“Trust me,” he says. I feel the first brush of magic easing the pain away…

“I said don’t!” I shove him aside and push myself up to standing. The fire in my head is raging and screaming and I want to rage and scream as well, I want to tear this all apart.

“You lied to me,” I growl, backing against the trailer like a cornered dog. “You lied to me all along. I fought for you. I wanted you, and you fucking lied!”

He’s standing now, hands raised in defeat. I expect someone to come around the corner and see what’s wrong, for someone to see what all the shouting’s about, but no one does. It’s just me and him and the inevitable breakdown.

“You knew all along,” I say. “You knew everything about me — my past, my contract — hell, you know more about me than even I do.”

His eyes are wide and his hands are dropping, and I know I’m hitting my mark, so I dig deeper. There’s too much pain in me, too much for one person. In that moment, I want nothing more than for him to feel it as well.

“How can you live with yourself?” I whisper. “Three hundred years of fucking everyone over, messing with their minds. How many people have you manipulated like that? How many people have you forced into loving you?”

And I’m sick with myself for saying it, but I can’t help it. I was fine knowing I’d run from my past, was fine thinking Mab knew more than I did. But I’m not okay with this, with knowing that Kingston had changed everything around in my head and had made me forget that he’d done it in the first place.

Worse, I hate knowing that I was most likely right. How could I trust my feelings for him when he had been playing in my head? How could I trust anything anymore? I close my eyes and squeeze my hands against my temples. The ringing won’t stop. I wish I could force it into him, make him see how it felt.

“I had no choice,” he whispers. His words barely cut through the din in my head. “You asked Mab to erase it, all of it. You signed the contract. I had to do it.”

“You didn’t have to lie about it.”

“About what?”

I want to sink into the side of the trailer, want to disappear entirely. The rage in my head is dying down, sinking back below the surface, but the ache is still there. I’m tired, so tired, and this feels like a fight I’ll never win.

“Liking me,” I manage.

There’s a long pause before he speaks.

“You think I lied about that?”

I don’t respond, don’t even move. The images in my head are still warring for control, still trying to piece themselves back into place.

That’s when I feel his hand on the side of my face. His touch is cool, tingling. It melts the pain away, even though I know he isn’t using any magic. It takes everything I have not to reach out and touch him as well, not to pull him close and lose myself in that touch. The rage allows me to keep that one small dignity intact.

“You’re right,” he says. My heart knots. He lied. He lied about everything. No one could love you. No one would want you to stay.

“I told you I didn’t need someone,” he continues. His hand traces my jaw and I want to break apart. “I played with you because you were cute and funny. But you fought for me when no one else would. No one does that around here.” He laughs softly to himself. I feel like I’m a yo-yo. Just that sad little laugh makes me want to hold him, even if it is all a lie, even if he was just using me. In the middle of all this crashing pain, the idea of comfort is intoxicating. I force the feelings down as he continues.

“You were my savior. When Senchan had me, you tried to save me when everyone else stood and watched the show. And then I had to erase that from your mind, too.” He sighs. “Do you know what that feels like? Knowing you tried to save my life and would never remember? That I’d never be able to repay you because you wouldn’t know of my debt?”

I can’t open my eyes. I know there are tears straining to come through but I won’t let it happen. I won’t. This is just a game, too. I did remember, and this is how you repaid me. I reach up and take his wrist, gently, and draw it away from my face. I don’t want to — no way in hell do I want to — but I refuse to be toyed with. I’m done being the fool.

“How do I know?” I whisper. “How do I know this isn’t another lie? How do I know this isn’t because you need me to do something for you?”

He sighs.

“I do need you,” he finally says. His words break apart the shell around me. “But not like that.”

Then his hands are once more on my face and I open my eyes to see his lips inches from mine. His brown eyes are like coffee, like mocha, and in that one glance, I know that he’s telling the truth. I can see the hurt and desire, and I reach up and thread my fingers through his long black hair. He closes his eyes and smiles and then his lips are on mine. The world melts away.

His kiss is soft and hard and tastes like cinnamon and need. His hand slides behind my head and my hands are reaching around his neck and I’m kissing back as all the fury and fear turns into something else, some great passion I can’t control. I pull him close and he leans in and every inch of my body is pulsing with heat and electricity and desire. The beast inside of me is roaring for a different reason. I could fall into this fire and burn forever.

“No.”

The word, that one word, and he tenses up. We both freeze. Then he pushes me away, wipes a hand across his mouth like that could make her unsee everything.

“Lilith,” he says.

But it’s not just Lilith. Penelope stands behind her, her hands on Lilith’s shoulders. Her expression is impossible to read, but Lilith’s is plain — rage and hurt. She looks at me, and I can’t help but flinch, remembering the fire that flew from her fingertips only nights before.