seemed to be able to understand that. And Schmidt had no right to criticise Lex for leaving when his grandfather became ill. No right at all! What did Schmidt know about it? What did he know about what life had been like back then — how intolerable it had all been?
Lex glared ferociously at the old lawyer. ‘So Lucius blurted out our life story, did he? He always did have a loose tongue. Yes, I left home when my grandfather became ill and I’d do it again. Do you know why? Have you seen the way old people are treated? They’re treated like imbeciles half the time. If people aren’t outright rude then they’re condescending and patronising and that’s worse! I left because I couldn’t stand the sight of it a moment longer. He wouldn’t have wanted us to see him that way. It was… it was undignified!’
‘But, Lex,’ Schmidt said softly, ‘surely you’re not saying that old people deserve a modicum of respect are you?’
Lex opened his mouth to give some clever retort but then froze and glanced at the crone with a scowl, realising that he’d contradicted himself. ‘No, I’m not,’ he sniffed. ‘My grandfather was better than everyone else but this crone deserves nothing from me. And I’m warning you now that if you say one more word about him I’ll put that enchanter’s hat back on and turn you into a ferret, too!’
‘I wouldn’t advise it,’ the lawyer said mildly. ‘The hat will probably kill you next time you use it.’
‘You’re bluffing!’ Lex scoffed.
‘Perhaps. But you can’t be sure, can you?’
‘I’ll risk it! It would be worth it!’
Schmidt shrugged. ‘Go outside and I’ll get the crown for you.’
‘Oh, will you?’ Lex sneered. ‘Smuggle her out the back door and into the forest, more like. I’m not letting that old woman out of my sight for a second!’
‘Then you’ll never get the crown,’ Schmidt said simply.
Lex laughed. ‘How little you know me. Crones love their cats, don’t they? There were some here a minute ago. I’m going to go out and start skinning them and when she’s fed up with listening to the screams of her dying pets then perhaps she’ll tell me where the crown is.’
Predictably, Matilda started the most ear-splitting wails at Lex’s words — he’d never heard anything like it.
‘Gods, is it really worth all this upset?’ he asked, throwing up his hands. ‘If you just tell me where the crown is, all this would be over!’
He shook her just a little to reinforce his point, ignoring the protesting clicks of bones that came from the old woman’s body. But within moments, Schmidt had grabbed him by the arm, spun him round and smacked him hard across the face. Lex staggered back a few steps out of pure shock. Then the lawyer and the thief stared at each other for a moment in surprise, ignoring the screeching of the crone.
‘Well,’ Lex said at last, reaching up to wipe blood off his lip, ‘which of us is being civilised now?’
‘I’m sorry,’ Schmidt said, and to be fair he looked it. ‘I didn’t mean to hit you that hard.’
‘No, but I bet it felt good, didn’t it?’ Lex asked, smiling to show the blood on his teeth.
The lawyer winced. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said again. ‘But you just don’t know when to hold your tongue. You can’t treat people like that.’
Lex shrugged. ‘Go ahead and smack me around. It’s happened before and I’m sure it’ll happen again. I’ve never pretended to be one of those strong, muscled types, so I can’t stop you from hitting me if you want to, but if you think it’s going to shut me up in any way or stop me from doing whatever I need to do to win, you’re wrong.’
Schmidt sighed and turned back to the crone. Lex saw him whisper something in her ear. At once she stopped crying, looked up at Schmidt as if seeing him properly for the first time and, to Lex’s astonishment, hugged him!
‘Oh, Marvin,’ she sobbed.
‘Marvin?’ Lex repeated. ‘You two don’t know each other do you?’
Schmidt said nothing but Lex could tell from his face that he was feeling very uncomfortable indeed.
‘Oh, my Gods,’ Lex gasped, as a horrific thought struck him. ‘That’s not your mother is it?’
‘Of course she’s not my mother,’ Schmidt snapped. ‘Now shut up so I can find out about this crown.’
‘Don’t let him kill my cats, Marvin! Don’t let him do it!’
‘No one’s going to touch your cats, Matilda,’ Schmidt said. ‘Just tell us where the crown is and we’ll be on our way.’
‘I don’t see what all the fuss is about, anyway,’ Lex said irritably. ‘What’s the crown to her but a shiny thing? She probably doesn’t even realise what it is. She can’t make herself a queen with it, so what use is it to her?’
The crone wiped her eyes on the back of her sleeve, glared at Lex and then leant up to whisper something to Schmidt. The lawyer frowned and then nodded. He straightened up and looked at Lex. ‘She needs to keep the crown.’
‘Why?’ Lex demanded.
‘You don’t need to know why,’ Schmidt replied impatiently.
‘Well, it’s irrelevant anyway because she’s not keeping it. There’s a prophet out there,’ Lex said, looking at the crone. ‘And he can sense magic. So wherever the crown is hidden, he’ll find it eventually without any help from you.’
The crone gave a startled yelp at that and turned imploringly to Schmidt. ‘Matilda,’ he said, ‘perhaps you could just let Lex put it on for a few seconds and as soon as he’s done he’ll take it off and give it straight back to you. How about that?’
‘That’s no good at all!’ Lex said before Matilda could reply. ‘I want to keep it! Do you know how beautiful those things are meant to be?’
‘How does Matilda know you won’t just take the magic crown from her if she shows it to you?’ the crone demanded.
‘Because I promise you that won’t happen,’ Schmidt said.
‘But this isn’t fair!’ Lex wailed. ‘It doesn’t belong to her!’
‘Well, she did find it and by your definition I would have thought that would constitute full legal ownership, Lex,’ Schmidt replied sharply.
‘Oh, all right,’ Lex said, unwilling to waste any more precious time. ‘All right, she can keep it. Just get her to take me to it quickly before the prophet finds it.’
‘It’s still in the house,’ Schmidt said.
‘Where?’ Lex stared round suspiciously. There just wasn’t anywhere the crown could possibly have been hidden in the tiny space, unless it was on the crone herself. Lex grimaced with distaste at the idea of having to strip search the old woman.
‘She buried it. It’s in the floor.’
With a decided lack of good grace, the crone squatted down in the centre of the mushroom ring and started scrabbling around in the soft mud. Lex looked on, horrified as she slowly uncovered the crown.
‘She buried it in mud?’ he groaned.
‘Why? What does it matter?’ Schmidt asked. ‘You can still put it on for a second even if it’s not clean, can’t you?’
‘But I want to see how beautiful it is. I’m not putting it on my head like that,’ Lex said, staring at the misshapen lump of mud the crone was offering him. ‘It’ll have to be washed.’
‘Oh, don’t be so childish, Lex. What does it matter as long as you win the round?’
‘If I’m not allowed to keep it, I at least want to see it,’ Lex snapped, snatching the dirty crown from the crone. ‘Now where can I clean it up?’
‘There’s a water pump outside,’ the crone said. ‘Matilda is not supposed to use it but she can show you where it is.’
Lex gave a curt nod. This whole business was really starting to wear on his nerves. It was an undignified way to be crowned. It would have been much nicer if he’d found the crown in the quiet, sun-speckled glade as Lady Luck had intended instead of having to dig it out of a crone’s muck before washing it at some miserable little pump. But the development with Schmidt had been interesting. Very interesting indeed. Although it had naturally hurt to be hit in the face, Lex was glad he had succeeded in making Schmidt lose his temper, making him lose control. It might be useful for the future. People were easier to manipulate when their control wavered like that. And guilt was always a
