His lips curled wryly. “Me either. But I reckon if you care for someone and you can’t have their love, you can either be a spiteful bastard about it or you can try your damnedest to make sure they’re going to find some happiness in the world.”
Tikaya yawned, a great face-tilting-up kind of yawn that made her crack the back of her head on a cabinet door. That, and her bleary eyes, forced her to concede that she needed sleep. She, fearing the marines would move on too quickly, had spent several hours learning as much as she could from the lab, scrawling notes at top speed. Agarik had been nice enough to bring her food and her notebook so she could avoid the camp for a while longer, but he claimed not to have seen the journal. She thought that odd since she had tucked it into the same place in her rucksack as the notebook, but she had been in a rush to grab a bow at the time, so perhaps it slid to the bottom.
Tikaya picked her way past snoozing bodies toward her gear. Aside from Agarik and a man perched at the top of the stairs, the rest of the marines slept. She did not see the assassin.
She spotted Rias on the edge of the camp, sprawled on his parka amongst a pile of disassembled machine innards. She grinned. Just like a child fallen asleep on the floor amongst his toys. But, as she stepped closer, she noticed his eyes moved beneath his lids, and some dream turned his lips to a grimace. Agarik’s words about Krychek Island came to mind. She sat on the rucksack next to him and stroked his hair.
Rias’s eyes opened and, for a moment, confusion creased his brow.
“ Where were you?” Tikaya murmured.
He rubbed his face. “Nowhere pleasant.”
“ Should I feel bad about waking you, or is this an improvement?”
Though he did not lift his head, his eyes roved, taking in the bleak black ceilings, black walls, and snoring marines. He smiled though. “Nobody was fondling my head in the dream.”
Careful to avoid his bruised eye, Tikaya brushed a lock of hair back from his forehead. “I translated the symbols on the cubes.” She recited the lines from memory, and he made the same conclusion as she had.
“ Cleaning devices? That’s amazing.”
“ More disturbing, I’d say, since humans are something to be incinerated along with the trash.”
“ Actually, I was talking about you. You just got your first real clue about the language in Wolfhump, what, three days ago? And now you’re reading it.” Rias gripped her hand and gazed up at her, dark eyes full of pride. “When you get home, you’ll be the main story in the next volume of Archaeology Monthly.”
The lump in her throat made her laugh more of a hiccup. Rias’s words reminded her, not for the first time, how different he was from Parkonis, who had always envied her language gift. His congratulations had been grudging when she had been selected by the president to work on decryptions during the war. She had not even wanted the dubious honor, made even more dubious by the predicament it had landed her in, but he had envied her the recognition. Maybe there was good reason to love someone who had so many accolades of his own that he could never feel jealous of a bright philologist. Of course, she reminded herself, Rias had nothing now except a trip back to a savage island of deranged criminals. And still he was proud of her.
“ Something wrong?” he asked gently.
“ No.” She wiped her eyes. “I’m sorry I snapped at you. I’ve-”
His eyes widened. “Tikaya. You don’t need to-”
She pressed a finger to his lips. “Let me finish, please?” When he did not nod, she left her finger there. “Before I met you, before Parkonis died, before the war, I knew what I wanted from life. I dreamed of sharing a little house near the beach with someone, close enough to town to walk to the market and the Polytechnic. I’d teach in the mornings and work in the labs in the afternoon, studying relics and data our field people brought in. And I’d have two children, a boy and a girl, of course. Blond hair, blue eyes, freckles.” She smiled wryly, acknowledging the unlikeliness that life would ever turn out exactly as she dreamed. “When Parkonis came along, I knew he was the one who could give me that dream.” Her smile faded, and her voice dropped to a whisper. “Then the war came, and Parkonis died, and my dream died too. It’s hard for me to admit it, because it’s so selfish, but I think I’ve spent the last year mourning the loss of my dream as much as I’ve been mourning his death.”
She felt silly holding her finger to Rias’s lips. He was watching and listening. She turned her hand over and brushed her knuckles along his jaw.
“ And then I met you. Of course I knew you were a Turgonian as soon as I heard you speak, and you admitted to being in the war, but I imagined you were just some ship’s engineer following orders, some simple soldier who none of my people could blame their troubles on, and I had all these ideas about how you could come home with me, and…maybe my dream could live again.” She shook her head. “It’s not your fault you don’t fit into the fantasy I made up. It’s not as if there weren’t clues to the contrary. I was just set on my theory, because I thought I could work you into my life somehow that way. Like I said, it’s selfish. And I’m sorry.”
Rias sat up abruptly, and her hand fell away. “Tikaya-”
“ Emperor’s bunions,” Bocrest growled. He lay a couple of men away with his arm flung over his eyes. “If you two are going to wake people up with your relationship crap, you could at least be fucking, so we’d have something to watch.”
Rias winced at the crude words. Tikaya’s cheeks warmed, but she kept her tone light when she said, “Is he really one of your emperor’s most trusted officers?”
“ Only because of his parents.”
Feral noises emanated from Bocrest’s throat.
Rias stood up, took Tikaya’s hand, and led her away from the sleeping men. Her heart sped up, and she wondered if he had Bocrest’s suggestion in mind. He went to a corner, out of earshot if they talked quietly, but within sight of the camp, so she supposed not. Too bad.
They sat, backs against the wall, shoulders touching.
“ Tikaya,” Rias said, staring at the floor. “I appreciate your words, but hearing you apologize to me is like getting a dagger in the chest. I’m the one who… I need to say…” He snorted, or maybe it was a laugh. “My men used to call me courageous because I’d lead the way into battle and take risks others thought ludicrous. They didn’t know that it was just arrogance. I thought I was too good to get myself killed. I knew I wasn’t immortal, but I won often enough that I always thought I’d come out on top. So, it wasn’t really courage.” He continued to look down, avoiding her eyes. “Courage is the ability to do the right thing when you’re terrified of the consequences. I’ve only recently realized that I’m a coward.”
For a moment, the only noise was the snoring of the marines. She could hear herself breathing.
“ You asked for my name, more than once, and I could have told you. You deserved the truth. If I’d wanted you to know, I wouldn’t have let Bocrest’s threats sway me, but I knew as soon as I told you, that your willingness to spend time with me would be over. I wouldn’t be able to dream that somehow, someway…
He fiddled with his hands. “Tikaya, I’m not a young man. I’ve been in love before, infatuated with beauty or taken by a sympathetic shoulder, but no woman has ever asked me to explain my papers on mathematics.” That familiar half smile tugged at his lips. “And, dear ancestors, the fact that you were the cryptomancer too?” He chuckled. “I fell for you that first day we shot together on the exercise deck.”
She watched his face as he spoke and tried to memorize every word. Her heart soared at his naked admission.
“ But I knew you could never love Fleet Admiral Starcrest, the man who-Ottotark is correct-pointed out to the emperor the strategic value in having a base on your islands, and helped try to make that advice a reality. Even if you could somehow forgive that person for hurting your people, I’m sure they-your family-would never understand. I wouldn’t want to be the cause of your ostracism. I kept trying to convince myself to keep my distance, to figure out a way to make sure you walked away at the end of this, and to just accept my fate. It didn’t work. I was afraid to tell you, afraid to lose you, and so I made the wrong choice.” He finally looked up, forced himself to meet her eyes. “I’ve been a coward, and, in being so, I’ve hurt you. I’m sorry.”
Emotion welled in Tikaya’s throat. She had fallen in love with him every bit as much as he had with her. The thought of going home by herself, never to see him again, brought tears to her eyes.
She wanted to hug him, to kiss him, but she caught the marine on guard watching them. She settled for leaning her head against Rias’s shoulder. “I forgive you.”
He rested his head on hers, and neither suggested returning to camp to sleep. She thought about bringing up
