Neverisms

On January 24th, Apple Computer will introduce Macintosh.

And you’ll see why 1984 won’t be like “1984.”

Created by the New York advertising firm Chiat/Day, the commercial was directed by filmmaker Ridley Scott, who had recently achieved fame for Alien (1979) and Blade Runner (1982). Scott’s production team had been given a budget of $700,000 for the commercial, an astonishing amount at the time. The commercial, titled 1984, was telecast only this one single time, but it’s difficult to name a television advertisement that has had a bigger impact. That evening, as Super Bowl commercials received their traditional postgame scrutiny, it was the clear fan favorite. In the days following the Super Bowl, the powerful mini-movie garnered millions of dollars of free publicity for Apple as it was replayed again and again on television news and sports programs. Six years later, Advertising Age hailed 1984 as “The Commercial of the Decade.”

Two days after the Super Bowl, Apple CEO Steve Jobs—nattily attired in a bow tie and double-breasted blue blazer, and looking as dapper as a Hollywood leading man—stepped up to a mike in front of an auditorium packed with people eager to learn more about this new product. Behind Jobs was a large screen, and several feet away, on top of a table, was a simple nylon bag with a zipper around the top. After announcing, “All of the images you are about to see on the large screen will be generated by what’s in that bag,” Jobs removed the computer and another small object—a recent computer innovation known as a “mouse”—and set the bag aside. He then reached into his vest pocket, removed a disk, and inserted it into a slot in the front of the machine. Almost immediately, to Vangelis’s majestic theme song from the 1982 film Chariots of Fire, the machine came to life. There were howls of appreciation from the audience as the large screen duplicated the many graphic images on the computer’s nine-inch screen. It was an impressive kick-off, to be sure. And it was about to get better.

Jobs continued, “We’ve done a lot of talking about Macintosh recently. But today, for the first time ever, I’d like to let Macintosh speak for itself.” Then, in an electronic voice that sounded like the love child of Arnold Schwarzenegger and C–3PO from Star Wars, the computer began to speak. It was a first-time-ever experience for the audience, and they loved every minute of it. The computer began by cracking a joke about being let out of the bag, and then said:

Unaccustomed as I am to public speaking,

I’d like to share with you a maxim I thought of

the first time I met an IBM mainframe:

“Never trust a computer you can’t lift.”

The audience went wild over this clever swipe at Apple’s main rival in the computer business, and the demonstration drove home a point that Apple executives had long been making: computers didn’t have to be big, unattractive, and devoid of humor; they could be small, beautiful to look at, and lots of fun. The talking computer portion of the demonstration ended with a final—and extraordinarily clever—comment that was fully appreciated by all who knew that the Macintosh was the brainchild of the CEO in the front of the room:

Obviously I can talk, but right now I’d like to sit back and listen.

So, it is with considerable pride that I introduce

a man who’s been like a father to me . . . Steve Jobs.

Jobs went on to finish the launch, which is now regarded as one of the greatest product kick-offs in manufacturing history. As the months passed, it was obvious that the Mac had fundamentally altered the landscape of the personal computing world. And that clever line about never trusting a computer you can’t lift became one of the most popular quotations of 1984. You can view its inception yourself by going to the neverisms menu of my website (www.drmardy.com) and selecting the “YouTube Neverisms” link. When the line was first delivered, though, there were probably few in the audience who fully appreciated the place that never trust observations occupy in human history.

It all started twenty-five hundred years earlier when a former Greek slave with a talent for storytelling began to formally compile popular folk tales, many of them from India and other Eastern countries. That man, of course, was Aesop, history’s first famous fabulist (the technical term for a teller of fables). Since the time of the ancient Greeks, Aesop’s Fables have been among history’s most popular stories, and for many centuries in the West they have been a staple in the hands of parents and educators attempting to provide moral instruction to young children. Most of the stories can be told in under two minutes— short enough to fit into the most limited attention span—and many feature animals who not only talk, but display a full range of human feelings.

In Aesop’s fable “The Fox and the Goat,” a fox falls into a deep well and is unable to escape. A curious goat, passing by, asks what is going on. The fox tells the goat that a great drought is coming and the only way to be sure to have water is to jump into the well. After the gullible goat jumps in, the fox jumps on his back, stands on his horns, and escapes to safety. As the fox bids his farewell to the duped goat, who is now stranded in the well, he says:

Remember next time,

never trust the advice of a man in difficulties.

It’s a terrific tale and an elegantly simple portrayal of a complex phenomenon that is still true today—the advice of people in trouble should be regarded with suspicion because their recommendations will likely be self-serving.

In “The Fox and the Crow,” yet another Aesop fable, a hungry fox spies a crow with a piece of food in its beak. Walking over to the tree where the crow is perched, the fox exclaims, “What a beautiful bird! What elegant plumage.” Noticing that the crow is pleased by the flattery, the fox continues to lay it on: “If your voice were equal to your beauty, then you would deserve the title of Queen of all the birds.” Taken in by the ruse, the crow opens its beak to let out a loud caw. As the food tumbles out of the open beak, the hungry fox gobbles it up. Walking off, the fox looks back at the crow and says, “Your voice is fine, but your wit is lacking.” The moral of the story?

Never trust a flatterer.

As the centuries passed, people followed the model of Aesop and began using the words never trust as something like a prefix that could be attached to a whole host of admonitions. You’ll find a few never trust quotations in other chapters of the book, but the remainder of this chapter will be devoted exclusively to them.

Never trust a proctologist with both hands on your shoulders.ANONYMOUS

Humor has long helped people get through life’s difficult moments, and of all the jokes created to help men deal with anxiety about rectal examinations, this is one of the best. Many other wonderful never trust observations have been authored by anonymous sources. Here are a few of my favorites:

Never trust a dog to guard your food.

Never trust a man who says he’s a feminist.

Never trust a man who says he has no bad habits.

Never trust a man who wears a shirt and tie with jeans.

Never trust a politician, especially when he’s speaking.

Never trust someone who tells you to never trust