Neverisms

bolster his claim of sincerity.

When I left home, my father gave me some very sound advice.

Never trust a man who can’t look you in the eye.

Never talk when you can listen.

And never spend venture capital on a limited partnership

without a detailed analytical fiduciary prospectus.WOODY HARRELSON, as bartender Woody Boyd,

in a 1986 episode of the TV sitcom Cheers

Never let them see you bleed.DESMOND LLEWELYN, to Pierce Brosnan,

in the 1999 James Bond film The World Is Not Enough

(screenplay by Neal Purvis, Robert Wade & Bruce Fierstein)

This line may have been inspired by Never let ’em see you sweat, which we discussed in the classic neverisms chapter. It occurs in the following dialogue between Q (Llewelyn), and Agent 007 (Brosnan):Q: I’ve always tried to teach you two things. First, never let them see you bleed. . . . Bond: And the second?Q: Always have an escape plan.

In seven James Bond films from 1963 to 1973, Llewellyn played the role of Q, the head of the fictional research and development lab of the British Secret Service. Q’s lab was often referred to as “the gadget lab,” for all the ingenious inventions that Bond used to extricate himself from dangerous situations.

Never keep a customer waiting and never let one get away.GEORGE LLOYD, as the character Dobson, in the 1949 film

Bandit King of Texas (screenplay by Olive Cooper)

Never show yourself to be insecure.RONALD NEAME, advice to directors

Neame was a respected filmmaker, the director of such films as The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie (1968) and The Poseidon Adventure (1972). He was a noted cinematographer and producer as well, but he was speaking as a director here. He introduced his neverism this way: “Remember, no matter how young you are, you are a father figure.”

Three things to remember when you get older:

Never pass up a bathroom, never waste a hard-on,

and never trust a fart.JACK NICHOLSON, in the 2007 film The Bucket List

(screenplay by Justin Zackham)

Nicholson, in the role of the caustic and self-absorbed billionaire Edward Cole, offers this thought to his smart-alecky assistant, Tom (Sean Hayes, of Will and Grace fame). Tom, who has a testy relationship with his boss, replies, “Thanks, I’ll try to keep that in mind as I approach decrepitude.”

Never rub another man’s rhubarb.JACK NICHOLSON, in Tim Burton’s 1989 film Batman

(screenplay by Sam Hamm & Warren Skaaren)

Nicholson, in the role of The Joker, says this to Bruce Wayne (Michael Keaton) just after shooting him for making a pass at his girlfriend, Vicki Vale (Kim Basinger). It was the first time American filmgoers had heard the expression, but The Joker’s meaning was apparent: “Never mess with another man’s woman.” In English sexual slang since the late 1800s, rhubarb has been used as a term for a man’s penis or a woman’s vagina.

Never confuse the audience with the critics.ROBERT PRESTON, as playwright Alex Dennison,

in Rehearsal for Murder (1982)

(screenplay by Richard Levinson & William Link)

Never revisit the past, that’s dangerous.ROBERT REDFORD

This was Redford’s response in 2005 when asked by Harry Smith of CBS’s The Morning Show if a future movie with Paul Newman would be a good way to revisit the past. He added: “You know, move on.”

Never assume you’ll be turned down.JOAN RIVERS, on how to approach auditions

My dad gave me a few words of advice that I’ve always tried to live by.

He said, “Son, never throw a punch at a redwood tree.”TOM SELLECK, as Thomas Magnum,

recalling advice from his father,

in a 1982 Magnum, P.I. episode

I learned from the folks at www.magnum- mania.com that Selleck offered this line as a narration to the audience in the last episode of the 1982 season (“Three Minus Two,” written by Robert Van Scoyk). In the scene, Magnum is confronted by a big security guard named “Ox.” Just after Magnum recalls his father’s words, he is punched squarely in the face by “Ox.” In the brawl that ensues, though, Magnum ultimately prevails.

Ha, ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders.

The most famous is:

“Never get involved in a land war in Asia.”

But only slightly less well-known is this:

“Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line!”WALLACE SHAWN, to Cary Elwes,

in Rob Reiner’s 1987 film The Princess Bride

(screenplay by William Goldman)

This line occurs in a memorable “battle of wits” scene between the dastardly Vizzini (Shawn) and the heroic Wesley (Elwes). The “land war in Asia” line is a reference to a famous observation from General Douglas MacArthur, which we discussed in the politics & government chapter. The Princess Bride, based on Goldman’s 1973 novel of the same title, is now often described as a modern classic.

Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink.WILL SMITH, in the 2005 film Hitch (screenplay by Kevin Bisch)

In the film, Smith plays Alex “Hitch” Hitchens, a professional “date doctor” who is attracted to Sara Melas, a workaholic gossip columnist (played by Eva Mendes). When Sara arrives at Hitch’s apartment for the first time, they pour two glasses of wine and she asks, “What should we toast to?” After offering the foregoing toast, he attempts to charm her by adding:

But if you must lie, lie in the arms of the one you love.