Never get into a narrow double bed with a wide single man.
Never argue with a doctor; he has inside information.
BOB ELLIOTT, from a “Bob and Ray”
sketch with Ray Goulding
Never be afraid to laugh at yourself;
after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.
DAME EDNA EVERAGE (BARRY HUMPHRIES)
Among Real Men, there has always been one simple rule:
Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flamethrower.
BRUCE FEIRSTEIN
This appeared in Real Men Don’t Eat Quiche, a 1982 satire that sold over a million and a half copies and was on the New York Times bestseller list for fifty-three weeks.
Never perish a good thought.MALCOLM FORBES, playing off the saying “Perish the thought”
Never try to tell everything you know. It may take too short a time.NORMAN FORD
Never ask of money spentWhere the spender thinks it went.Nobody was ever meantTo remember or inventWhat he did with every cent.ROBERT FROST, in “The Hardship
of Accounting” (1936)
One doesn’t typically think of Frost’s poetry as witty and whimsical, but if someone ever exclaims, “Where has all the money gone?” you could do a lot worse than quoting this little verse in your defense. The poem first appeared in his 1936 book A Further Range. Another famous poet with a sense of humor was T. S. Eliot. He once said:
Never commit yourself to a cheese without having first examined it.
Never eat anything that comes when you call.BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT
Never read by candlelight anything smaller than the ace of clubs.SIR HENRY HALFORD
Never take an old guy to a place like Hooters.CATHY HAMILTON, in Over-the-Hillisms:
What They Say & What They Really Mean (2004)
Hamilton explained: “After one beer, old guys tend to ignore their inner censors and actually verbalize out loud the thoughts going through their heads.” So, what exactly is an old guy likely to say? According to Hamilton, things like “Va-va-va-voom!”
Never start a project until you’ve picked out someone to blame.
JOHNNY HART & BRENT PARKER,
a caption from The Wizard of Id comic strip
Humorists are famous for taking serious advice—like never blame someone else for a mistake—and turning it on its head. Yes, feel free to blame people, this one suggests—but make sure you identify a scapegoat before you actually start working on a project.
Never try to outstubborn a cat.
ROBERT A. HEINLEIN, in Time Enough for Love (1973)
Never get married while you’re going to college;
it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer
finds you’ve already made one mistake.
FRANK MCKINNEY “KIN” HUBBARD
Never go to restaurants named after days of the week.
ALAN KING
King added: “If I have to say to someone, ‘Should we meet Tuesday at Friday’s? Or should it be Friday at Tuesday’s?’ I feel like I’m part of an Abbott and Costello routine.”
Never look on the bright side; the glare is blinding.
FLORENCE KING
Never relinquish clothing to a hotel valet
without first specifically telling him that you want it back.
FRAN LEBOWITZ
Never brag about your ancestors coming over on the Mayflower;
the immigration laws weren’t so strict in those days.
LEW LEHR
Never buy expensive thong underwear.
One trip through the dryer and it’s a frilly bookmark.CAROL LEIFER, in When You Lie About
Your Age, the Terrorists Win (2009)
This comes from a section titled “40 Things I Know at 50 (Because 50 is the New 40).” Leifer also learned some other interesting things over the years:
Never eat at a restaurant that charges for bread.
Never eat pistachio nuts after getting a French manicure.
Never wear high heels to an event
if you’re going to be outside on a lawn.
Never take your shoes off on a plane.
Please find other ways to show your “relaxed side.”
Never buy Sweet’N low, Equal, or Splenda at the supermarket.
That’s what restaurants are for.
