Everything's Eventual

want to let him know I knew he was dead. He didn't want to let me know that he knew I knew he was dead. And so I couldn't let him know that I knew that he knew that . . .

   The world began to swing in front of me. In a moment it would begin to spin, then to whirl, and I'd lose it. I closed my eyes for a moment. In the darkness the afterimage of the moon hung, turning green.

   'You feeling all right, man?' he asked. The concern in his voice was gruesome.

   'Yes,' I said, opening my eyes. Things had steadied again. The pain in the backs of my hands where my nails were digging into the skin was strong and real. And the smell. Not just pine air freshener, not just chemicals. There was a smell of earth, as well.

   'You sure?' he asked.

   'Just a little tired. Been hitchhiking a long time. And sometimes I get a little carsick.' Inspiration suddenly struck. 'You know what, I think you better let me out. If I get a little fresh air, my stomach will settle. Someone else will come along and—'

   'I couldn't do that,' he said. 'Leave you out here? No way. It could be an hour before someone came along, and they might not pick you up when they did. I got to take care of you. What's that song? Get me to the church on time, right? No way I'm letting you out. Crack your window a little, that'll help. I know it doesn't smell exactly great in here. I hung up that air freshener, but those things don't work worth a shit. Of course, some smells are harder to get rid of than others.'

   I wanted to reach out for the window-crank and turn it, let in the fresh air, but the muscles in my arm wouldn't seem to tighten. All I could do was sit there with my hands locked together, nails biting into the backs of them. One set of muscles wouldn't work; another wouldn't stop working. What a joke.

   'It's like that story,' he said. 'The one about the kid who buys the almost new Cadillac for seven hundred and fifty dollars. You know that story, don't you?'

   'Yeah,' I said through my numb lips. I didn't know the story, but I knew perfectly well that I didn't want to hear it, didn't want to hear any story this man might have to tell. 'That one's famous.' Ahead of us the road leaped forward like a road in an old black-and-white movie.

   'Yeah, it is, fucking famous. So the kid's looking for a car and he sees an almost brand-new Cadillac on this guy's lawn.'

   'I said I—'

   'Yeah, and there's a sign that says FOR SALE BY OWNER in the window.'

   There was a cigarette parked behind his ear. He reached for it, and when he did his shirt pulled up in the front. I could see another puckered black line there, more stitches. Then he leaned forward to punch in the cigarette lighter and his shirt dropped back into place.

   'Kid knows he can't afford no Cadillac-car, can't get within a shout of a Caddy, but he's curious, you know? So he goes over to the guy and says, 'How much does something like that go for?' And the guy, he turns off the hose he's got—cause he's washin the car, you know—and he says, 'Kid, this is your lucky day. Seven hundred and fifty bucks and you drive it away.' '

   The cigarette lighter popped out. Staub pulled it free and pressed the coil to the end of his cigarette. He drew in smoke and I saw little tendrils come seeping out between the stitches holding the incision on his neck closed.

   'The kid, he looks in through the driver's-side window and sees there's only seventeen thou on the odometer. He says to the guy, 'Yeah, sure, that's as funny as a screen door in a submarine.' The guy says, 'No joke, kid, pony up the cash and it's yours. Hell, I'll even take a check, you got a honest face.' And the kid says . . .'

   I looked out the window. I had heard the story before, years ago, probably while I was still in junior high. In the version I'd been told the car was a Thunderbird instead of a Caddy, but otherwise everything was the same. The kid says I may only be seventeen but I'm not an idiot, no one sells a car like this, especially one with low mileage, for only seven hundred and fifty bucks. And the guy tells him he's doing it because the car smells, you can't get the smell out, he's tried and tried and nothing will take it out. You see he was on a business trip, a fairly long one, gone for at least . . .

   '. . . a coupla weeks,' the driver was saying. He was smiling the way people do when they're telling a joke that really slays them. 'And when he comes back, he finds the car in the garage and his wife in the car, she's been dead practically the whole time he's been gone. I don't know if it was suicide or a heart attack or what, but she's all bloated up and the car, it's full of that smell and all he wants to do is sell it, you know.' He laughed. 'That's quite a story, huh?'

   'Why wouldn't he call home?' It was my mouth, talking all by itself. My brain was frozen. 'He's gone for two weeks on a business trip and he never calls home once to see how his wife's doing?'

   'Well,' the driver said, 'that's sorta beside the point, wouldn't you say? I mean hey, what a bargain— that's the point. Who wouldn't be tempted? After all, you could always drive the car with the fuckin windows open, right? And it's basically just a story. Fiction. I thought of it because of the smell in this car. Which is fact.'

  Silence. And I thought: He's waiting for me to say something, waiting for me to end this. And I wanted to. I did. Except . . . what then? What would he do then?

   He rubbed the ball of his thumb over the button on his shirt, the one reading I RODE THE BULLET AT THRILL VILLAGE, LACONIA. I saw there was dirt under his fingernails. 'That's where I was today,' he said. 'Thrill Village. I did some work for a guy and he gave me an allday pass. My girlfriend was gonna go with me, but she called and said she was sick, she gets these periods that really hurt sometimes, they make her sick as a dog. It's too bad, but I always think, hey, what's the alternative? No rag at all, right, and then I'm in trouble, we both are.' He yapped, a humorless bark of sound. 'So I went by myself. No sense wasting an all-day pass. You ever been to Thrill Village?'

   'Yes,' I said. Once. When I was twelve.

   'Who'd you go with?' he asked. 'You didn't go alone, did you? Not if you were only twelve.'

   I hadn't told him that part, had I? No. He was playing with me, that was all, swatting me idly back and forth. I thought about opening the door and just rolling out into the night, trying to tuck my head into my arms before I hit, only I knew he'd reach over and pull me back before I could get away. And I couldn't raise my arms, anyway. The best I could do was clutch my hands together.

   'No,' I said. 'I went with my dad. My Dad took me.'

   'Did you ride the Bullet? I rode that fucker four times. Man! It goes right upside down!' He looked at me and uttered another empty bark of laughter. The moonlight swam in his eyes, turning them into white circles, making them into the eyes of a statue. And I understood he was more than dead; he was crazy. 'Did you ride that, Alan?'

   I thought of telling him he had the wrong name, my name was Hector, but what was the use? We were coming to the end of it now.

   'Yeah,' I whispered. Not a single light out there except for the moon. The trees rushed by, writhing like spontaneous dancers at a tentshow revival. The road rushed under us. I looked at the speedometer and saw he was up to eighty miles an hour. We were riding the bullet right now, he and I; the dead drive fast. 'Yeah, the Bullet. I rode it.'

   'Nah,' he said. He drew on his cigarette, and once again I watched the little trickles of smoke escape from the stitched incision on his neck. 'You never. Especially not with your father. You got into the line, all right, but you were with your Ma. The line was long, the line for the Bullet always is, and she didn't want to stand out there in the hot sun. She was fat even then, and the heat bothered her. But you pestered her all day, pestered pestered pestered, and here's the joke of it, man—when you finally got to the head of the line, you chickened. Didn't you?'

   I said nothing. My tongue was stuck to the roof of my mouth.

   His hand stole out, the skin yellow in the light of the Mustang's dashboard lights, the nails filthy, and gripped my locked hands. The strength went out of them when he did and they fell apart like a knot that magically unties