The Man Handler

cup of tea and bagel right on up out of there, taking the elevator up to my floor, then going into my office, and shutting the door behind me.

Ugh! Learn to keep your motherfucking mouth shut! Why the hell would a woman sit around and share the most intimate details of her relationship with a bunch of other women? You best believe there is gonna always be at least one dick-thirsty chick in the group who is gonna be absorbing every little morsel of information, soaking it all in like a sponge. She’ll disguise her scheming-ass ways with fake concern, trying to be the friend you can always lean on. And the first chance she gets to slither her ass into your man’s space, she’s gonna try her best to fuck him. Or at the very least, suck his dick down to the gristle.

I call this type of bitch the dick-thirsty chick, ’cause she’s the type of drooling-ass broad who’s going to sweat a dude to no end, practically throwing herself at his feet, begging for the dick. First it’ll be real subtle. Every time she’s around him, she’ll start complimenting him about his looks or the way his cologne smells. She’ll comment about how lucky his wife is, and how she wishes she had a man like him. She might even start wearing tighter, more provocative clothing, or a little extra makeup to get his attention. Most men will eat up all this attention. Some will let her attempts to woo him go over his head. Others will flat out check her ass, and let his woman know (not many, though). But some, yes, definitely will give in to her relentless ass.

Trust and believe, if he doesn’t bite soon, if he keeps brushing off her advances or doesn’t recognize her ploy to get into his wallet and his boxers, this snake bitch will start to get frustrated. Or she’ll become more obsessed, more desperate. Being ignored only adds fuel to her fire. She’ll become more direct. She may be bold enough to offer him some pussy. Ssssh, nobody has to know. She’ll promise to suck the shit out of his ass just to get his nut. This greasy bitch will try to get at a man right in front of his woman with no regard for his relationship. She’s a brazen freak with no damn boundaries. She’s also a borderline whore, if you ask me. And of course, this is the world according to a ho. Anyway, she sees him as a challenge. She craves him. And will stop at nothing until she gets him. I’d like to get my hands on an intercom, speaker, bullhorn, or whatever, and say to all these simple-ass women who trust every bitch who’s in their social circle: “Dear, there’s no other way to say it. Stop broadcasting your damn business. There’s a conniving, home-wrecking bitch among you. She’s envious. She’s jealous. And she’s gonna fuck your man. So pay attention, and beware!”

Okay, if you haven’t figured it out—yes, I have a problem with scheming-ass women (well, bitches!) trying to get at someone else’s man, but I have a bigger problem with the chick who constantly runs her damn mouth, giving these tramps all the ammunition they need. I mean, really…what the fuck! Oh, please. I know, I know. I’ve heard it all before. We shouldn’t blame the other woman because it’s the man. Well I think sometimes that’s a bunch of bullshit. Especially when you think the people in your personal space are people you can (or should be able to) trust. That bitch is as much at fault as he is. I mean, damn, I may be a ho, but I’m not (nor will I ever be) a trifling one. I would never stoop to fucking someone whom I say is my friend’s, or family’s, man. A chick I don’t know, or don’t want to know, yes, I will borrow her man’s dick and return him to her happily fucked. But not someone I know. I’m sorry. There has to be some dick that’s off limits. There needs to be more honor among hoes, don’t you think?

Oh, please! Don’t even go there. I know what you’re thinking. You’re trying to figure out what makes me any different from the women I’m talking about. Well, for starters, I don’t hang around a bunch of chicks, or gossip with them. I’m not impressed by what some other chick’s man is doing for her, or to her. Nor do I need to sit around, plotting on how I can have what she’s getting at home. There are too many men out here more than willing to give up the dick (even step out on their chicks) without me needing (or having) to sleepwalk him. Besides, I don’t want another woman’s man any damn way. Like I’ve already said, I only wanna fuck him, then send him home.

Okay, you know what…before things get out of hand between us, I’d better clear up a few things. I know some of you will never, ever, comprehend how I’m any different from the home-wreckers, mistresses, and whores. I really don’t care. But I’m going to enlighten you, anyway. So let me break it down for you, something I should have done from the gate.

See, the Other Woman, which I will never be, is the dizzy chick who is claiming another woman’s man as her own. In her cluttered mind, she shares a special type of relationship with him. In her own sick, twisted way, she feels deeply connected to him. She’s the chick who doesn’t involve herself with other men ’cause she’s faithful to her man, you know, the one she’s sharing with the wife or girlfriend. She may or may not be interested in actually breaking up his home, but there is a part of her that fantasizes about building—and having—a life with him. Whether she admits it or not, she wants him for herself. But knowing that dream may never come true, she settles (or accepts) the role of his mistress and gladly embraces those moments when her man can sneak away from the wife and kids for more than a few hours or a night. Unless she works with him, she may not see him regularly, but they will talk on the phone, email, or text daily. She lives and breathes for his calls. And for the most part, she’s okay with hearing him whisper sweet nothings into her ear about how much he misses her, needs to see her, wants to be with her. She plans her whole life around him. And using the excuse of a business trip, she’s happily in tow, wrapped in her lover’s arms like she is the real first lady. Oh, joy!

Now the Jump-off is exactly that. A chick who jumps on and off the dick. She’s not interested in taking him from his woman; she doesn’t want to have his babies or meet his family. She only wants to borrow him for his dick, then send him on his way, nothing more, nothing less. If she’s strong-willed, she’ll never allow emotions to get in the way of her need for a good fuck buddy. Hell, most of the time, she’s in a relationship herself, and it’s usually with someone who can’t seem to handle her in the bedroom. So she seeks out extracurricular sexual activity. Yes, she’s using him. But he’s using her as well. Both parties get what they want without hassle, so it’s a win-win situation. Unfortunately, most jump-offs get dick-whipped, then start disrupting the rules of engagement with the “why-can’t-you-leave-her-for-me” bullshit. And before you know it, they submissively fall into the “other woman” category, or leave their own men for their fuck buddies.

The Ho (which is what I am) doesn’t usually have a man, and doesn’t necessarily want one. She only wants to fuck. Typically, she fucks more than one dude at any given time. She might even let him bring a friend along, but she’s not going to let him or anyone else disrespect her. She’s usually mad cool, very discreet, and extremely private. She’s typically well liked, and knows how to fuck a dick. And dude may or may not put all her business out on blast.

But the Whore, aka the Slut, or Smut…forget it. This bird is downright nasty and trifling. Her name is all out on the streets. She’s the chick who will fuck and suck almost anybody, anywhere, anytime, anyplace. She likes it all, and usually gets passed around like a forty-ounce and a blunt. Nut, nut, pass. Nut, nut, nut, pass. She’ll let a nigga bust in her face, make her swallow his cum, allow a group of niggas to circle jerk on her, fuck her in the ass, double-fuck her—you know, slam a dick in her ass and pussy at the same time, fist fuck her, spit on her, piss on her. You name it, she’s gonna let them do it to her. And then she wonders why she can’t get a man. Hell, a prostitute has better luck at getting a man than the whore does. ’Cause at least with a prostitute, fucking is a paid event. It may not necessarily be something she likes, but it’s a means to an end. However, a whore gets pleasure from solely being on her back or on her knees for free. And she has the worked-over, stretched-out snatch to prove it.

Now, I am sure there will be some who will want to argue with me about what I’m saying, but who gives a damn! This is the world according to a ho. It doesn’t really matter what anyone else thinks about it. It is strictly my opinion. This is going to have to be another area in which we agree to disagree. So, if you’ll excuse me, I have a ton of emails to get to and a desk load of work to finish before I get the hell up out of here today. We can catch up later. Until then…peace, love, and happy fucking!

CHAPTER SEVEN

I guess even after I’ve broken the shit down for you, some of you are still scratching and shaking your heads, wondering what type of woman would willingly spread her legs and knowingly fuck another woman’s man. What kind of woman would stoop so low that she’d purposefully disrespect another woman’s relationship? Well, I’ll tell you again who she is. She’s unscrupulous, scandalous, devious, and merciless. She’s the harlot, the whore, the slut, the tramp, the trick, the skeezer, the strumpet, the skank, the jezebel, the ho; she is your neighbor, your friend, your sister, your mother, your aunt, your cousin, your coworker, your enemy. She is the type of woman who doesn’t give a fuck about you or your relationship. That is the type of woman who will fuck your