Daddy Long Stroke

gettin’ hectic. Bitches fightin’ ’n shit tryna get ya attention; hoes stalkin’ ya ass. Man, listen. Some of them chicks got real reckless when it came to ’em tryna get at this chocolate cock. Like lyin’ to their niggas ’bout where they been, spendin’ up their rent money, jumpin’ up on stage lettin’ me do any-and-e’ery-muthafuckin’ thing to ’em, bouncin’ state to state to follow this dick, neglectin’ their damn kids. They were some real live groupie bitches, straight birds. And a nigga had no problem takin’ that paper—still don’t. But at the same time, I was lookin’ at a lotta them bitches sideways for how muthafuckin’ stupid they were.

After awhile, the whole scene got really played. And I wasn’t beat for a buncha bitches pawin’ and clawin’ to get at me. So after three years of swingin’ this dick up in a buncha nameless faces, I split. But, don’t get shit twisted. I had a trail of hoes—well, I still do—in almost e’ery state from here to Cali. And e’ery last one of ’em paid to get slayed, feel me? And many of ’em still do.

Kickin’ some real shit to you, I got broads thinkin’ I don’t own my own shit—that I’m practically homeless ’n shit, and they’ll flat out tell me I can move in wit’ ’em. And I don’t have to pay for shit. They’ll keep me laced in the hottest shit, pay my bills, and keep a nigga’s pockets lined. The only thing they want is a muhfucka to come home to, someone to make ’em feel good ’bout themselves, someone to fuck ’em down real good. They’ll work all muthafuckin’ day, then come home and cook me a full-course meal, then drop down on their knees and worship this big, black dick like I’m king Ding-a-Ling. So, hell no, I ain’t lookin’ for no muthafuckin’ job! I already got one.

“Well, what can I say, Ma. The hoes got it bad for me.”

She glares at me. “What I tell you about referring to women as hoes. You really need to stop it.” I almost wanna laugh. I lost count the number of times growin’ up I heard her usin’ the word. She musta forgot that she used to refer to Pops’ jumpoffs as hoes and bitches. And how many times she ran up in one of his hoes’ spots draggin’ ’em out by the hair callin’ ’em e’ery type of bitch there is. I decide not to remind her.

“Ma, on the real, in my opinion and based on what I’ve experienced, that’s exactly what most of ’em are. And you know it.”

She shakes her head, dismissin’ my comment. “You and that fat, black dick of yours…”

I choke. “Oh, shit! Ma, you buggin’, word up.”

“Bugging, hell. I’m your mother. I changed your pissy Pampers, wiped your ass, and saw you walking around in your drawers growing up, so I know what’s hanging between your legs. You’re a Maples. And the one thing I learned, and overheard, about the Maples men, they are all holding—every last one of ’em, including your hot, sex-crazed ass. So, don’t ‘Ma’ me. Now like I was saying, that big dick of yours is going to be your downfall. You can’t keep fucking over all these women and not expect one, if not two, of ’em to snap.”

I put my fork down. “Ma, it’s not like that. These broads know what it is. I’m not tryna wife none of ’em. It’s strictly sex.”

“And you’re using them for whatever you can get out of ’em.”

I laugh at her. “Ma, I’m single. I have no kids. And I’m not lookin’ for a relationship. I’m just chillin’. I’m not hurtin’ anyone. As far as I see it, it’s a mutually satisfyin’ arrangement wit’ any broad I get wit’. They want sumthin’ from me and, nine-times-out-of-ten, I’m gonna deliver it—for a price, of course.”

“Oh, please. Any woman dumb enough to accept that damn shit is a stone-cold fool.”

“Well, most of ’em are.”

She sucks her teeth, rollin’ her eyes, knowin’ what I say is truth. “Well, that may be so. But, your ass is still asking for trouble. You’re using these women and it isn’t right.”

I take a deep breath. On some real shit, I wanna bring it to her raw. Let her know that I. Don’t. Give. A. Hot. Fuck…’bout none of these silly-ass broads out here, ’specially the ones who care ’bout dumb shit like the size of a nigga’s dick, or the size of a muhfucka’s feet and hands. And believe me. Any bitch who comes outta her grill askin’ if I gotta big dick gets dragged through the muthafuckin’ mud, real talk. These bitches will know that I’m fuckin’ other chicks and still give me the keys to their cars, their cribs, bank cards, Family First cards, and e’ery muthafuckin’ thing else. It’s all because I gotta long, thick, black dick loaded wit’ a buncha hot, creamy nut for that ass ’n throat. But keepin’ shit real, all a big dick does is make an already dumb-ass bitch dumber. So if anything, a dumb, low-self-esteem-havin’ bitch should be tryna stay far the fuck away from a nigga like me. ’Cause if she doesn’t, then her muthafuckin’ ass is gonna get slayed and played, real talk. I’ma fuck her silly-ass into a muthafuckin’ coma. And if I see any sign of weakness, I’ma take her retarded ass straight to the cleaners. And that’s what it is.

My cell rings. I pull it from offa my hip, glancin’ at the screen. Fuckin’ Tamera’s nutty-ass, again. I sigh, hittin’ Ignore. It rings again. This is that bullshit, word up. I answer. “Yo, what the fuck?!”

Mom raises her brow, squints her eyes. I shrug.

“Oh, so I see you on some funny-style shit, now. But it’s all good.”

“Ain’t nuthin’ funny-style ’bout not bein’ beat for you. So what the fuck you want? ” Moms glares at me. I put my hands up, and mouth, “My bad, Ma.” She gets up and starts puttin’ the food away.

“Oh, so you ain’t beat for me now.”

“Isn’t that what I just said?”

“You real fucked up; you know that, right?” she says, smackin’ in my ear.

“And you a real bird, so what’s ya point?”

“Fuck you, nigga!”

“Choke on my nut,” I say, snappin’ the phone shut. Fuckin’ smut!

Moms turns to look at me. “You must really want me to slap the shit outta you.”

I wanna laugh, knowin’ she’s only poppin’ shit. “My bad, Ma.”

She narrows her eyes and twists her lips, but says nuthin’. She goes back to flittin’ ’round the kitchen, finishes puttin’ e’erything in the ’fridge, then sits back down. She allows me to finish eatin’ in peace. Patiently waits for me to gulp down the last bit of my juice before she starts in on me. She folds her hands on top of the table.

“Alex, listen. You’re playing a very dangerous game messing over these women the way you do. No matter how fucked up you think a woman is, she still has feelings. And when you play with a woman’s emotions…”

“C’mon, Ma, keep it gee. Is it my fault that they play themselves?”

“No, but it’s your fault for taking advantage of ’em. No matter what a woman thinks of herself, you are still responsible for how you treat ’em.”

Oh, well. If it’s not me draggin’ ’em, then it’ll be some other muhfucka. So it might as well be me. I shrug, glancin’ down at my watch. It’s almost nine. I get up from my seat, then walk over and kiss Moms on her forehead. “I love you, Ma. But, whether it’s right or wrong, I’ma do what I do no matter what you think about it. I’ma be outta town for a minute, but I’ll hit you up when I get back.”

She gets up, takes my empty plate and places it in the sink. “And I love you, too. But that doesn’t mean I’ma stop doing what I do. And that’s being your mother, worrying about you, confronting you on your irresponsible choices, and cussing ya ass out when need be.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” I say, smilin’. “But just remember, they’re my choices. And I like it when you cuss.” I walk up and grab her in a big bear hug, then pick her up. “I don’t want no problems, Ma.”

She laughs. “Boy, put me down.” I do. She gives me a hug, then looks up at me. “I don’t wanna see anything happen to you that coulda been prevented by being honest.”

I kiss her on the forehead. “Ma, I am bein’ honest wit’ these chicks.” I grin, shruggin’. “Well, okay, ’bout most things. Still whatever heartache or drama they feel, it’s shit they brought on themselves, real talk.”

She shakes her head, followin’ me toward the front door. “I love you.”

I flash her my mega-watt smile, givin’ her another hug and kiss. “I love you, too, Ma.”

She closes the door behind me as I walk to my car, shakin’ my head and smilin’. I disarm the alarm, then slide behind the wheel, crankin’ the engine and sparkin’ a blunt, makin’ my way toward the parkway, headin’ south to my spot.

9

I’m tired as fuck! My muthafuckin’ flight to ATL was delayed two hours. Then they kept a muhfucka cooped