'Christina, I must ask you to dig deep into the recesses of your memory.'
'All right.'
'What we're looking for won't be on the surface and may not be easy to find…'
Now I pictured her nodding.
'Were you sexually abused as a child?'
The answer came quickly. Twice, in fact. 'No. No.'
'Not so fast. You gave yourself no time to think, to dredge the waters.'
'But I'd remember. I wouldn't have to think about it.'
'Not necessarily,' the doctor said. 'In fact, there are only two correct answers to the question 'Were you sexually abused?' There's 'Yes' and 'I don't know.' You simply can't rule it out, particularly not with your symptoms.'
Oh, brother. I hear a lot of leading questions in court, but this breaks new ground. Encouraging a different answer by 'dredging the waters' of memory. I saw where this was going. The doctor was going to dig up memories Chrissy couldn't produce on her own. I could imagine how it would play to a jury. A part of me, the not-so-ethical part, was telling the rest of me, the semi-ethical part, that burning the tapes wasn't such a bad idea. Schein had known just what he was doing when he hinted he could deep-six them. Having Chrissy testify to the abuse would be a helluva lot better than showing how she had recovered the memories.
'I don't understand,' Chrissy was saying. 'If I'd been molested, I can't imagine forgetting it.'
'You didn't forget. It's still there, but survivors of incest are frequently in denial. You have to work hard to break through the walls your mind has created. There are locked doors. We've got to find the keys to turn the latch, and it won't be easy. It can take weeks or years, and when the memories come, they will be painful. They may float up like bubbles or be disgorged like lava from a volcano.'
Bubbles? Lava? As my granny would say, malarkey!
'Who abused me?' Chrissy asked, her voice weak.
'We don't know that, do we?'
'Was it a stranger or someone I knew?'
'What do you think?'
'I don't know. I just can't understand why I wouldn't remember.'
'Your inner child is protecting you from the memory. But that denial only creates other problems. To cure those problems, we have to get that child to tell us the truth.'
'I'm afraid,' Chrissy said.
'I'll hold your hand on this journey. The road to recovery is treacherous and filled with pain, but at the other end is renewal and life.'
I heard Chrissy sigh. 'All right. What now?'
'Have you ever been hypnotized?' Dr. Schein replied.
'Focus on your breathing and relax,' Dr. Schein said, his voice soothing and melodious. In the background, New Age music played softly, a piano tinkling with single notes like a light rain on a tin roof. 'Breathe from way down. That's it. Sink deeper into the chair. Allow your face and neck to relax. Let yourself go. Now visualize a brilliant white light. The light will move from your head throughout your body, relaxing everything it touches. Every cell, every muscle, every organ will be touched by the beautiful, brilliant light. You are calm and serene as it moves through your blood vessels, through every part of your body. See the light. Feel its peacefulness as it fills your lungs and your heart, deepening your state of relaxation, reaching everywhere.'
I didn't know about Chrissy, but I was getting sleepy. Either Schein was good at this, or I shouldn't have had two Grolsches with my cheeseburger at lunch.
'Free up your mind from the normal limits of time and space. Soon you'll be able to remember everything, to heal yourself.'
Dr. Schein stayed quiet a moment, and I visualized Chrissy lying there, her eyes closed. Then the doctor began counting backward. 'Ten, nine, eight-getting deeper and deeper-seven, six, five-so peaceful and calm-four, three-totally relaxed-two, one. You're in complete serenity, in another state altogether.'
My head dropped forward, startling me as I awoke, and for a moment I was in another state, Pennsylvania, sleeping through Poli Sci 101.
'Visualize yourself walking down a beautiful staircase into the deepest recesses of your mind,' Dr. Schein said, 'a place with no time or space, a place of connection and oneness, a place of wisdom where you can remember everything. Can you see it?'
From Chrissy, a sleepy 'Yes.'
'Now you see a tunnel with a brilliant light at the other end. You begin walking through the tunnel toward the light. When you emerge into the light, you'll be in a different time and different place, and you'll be able to remember everything. The knowledge is within you, the wisdom, the memories. Your inner child is ready to speak.'
Another pause with no sound except the monotonous repetition of the low-key piano, now joined by a nearly inaudible flute. Then, the doctor's voice. 'How old are you, Christina?'
'Eleven.'
'Are you a happy girl?'
'Oh, yes.' The words came slowly but clearly, the sweet voice of a child. 'I have everything a girl could want.'
'What do you have?'
'Toys and friends and a wonderful mommy.'
'What about your father?'
A pause, then, 'He gives me everything.'
'Does Mommy love him?'
'I don't know.'
'Christina, I'm Dr. Schein. I'm a friend of your mommy's.'
'I know. You take care of her. She likes you. She told me so.'
'Your mother is a wonderful woman. Tell me about your father.'
'He hits her,' Christina said, beginning to sob. 'He hits her a lot and calls her names. Mommy got sick, so she stays in her room. Daddy moved down the hall, next to my room.'
'Does your father ever hit you?'
'No. Never. Not even when I'm bad.'
'When are you bad, Christina?'
'When I don't do what Daddy says.'
'Does he ever touch you in ways that frighten you?'
Silence. Then, 'No.'
'Does he ever come into your bedroom and do things to you?'
'No. I don't remember anything like that at all.'
'Christina, memory is a funny thing. There are memories we recall and some we just feel. What do you feel?'
'I don't know. Strange things.'
'Ah, that may be the beginning. Do you know what sex is?'
'Yes.'
'Did you ever have sex with your father?'
Another sob. 'I don't remember that.'
'But you're crying. Why are you crying?'
'I don't know.'
'Christina, have you ever seen the tracks of a wild animal in the woods?'
'Not in the woods, but I've seen turtle tracks on the beach.'
'And did you see the turtle, too?'
'Not always. Sometimes just the tracks.'
'But you knew the turtle had been there.'
'Yes.'
