'Yuck,' Kip said, wrinkling his face. 'That's gross.' He was helping Granny put jars and bowls in the refrigerator. I caught sight of some swamp cabbage ambrosia made with hearts of palm, papayas, oranges, and coconut. If I knew Granny, there'd also be a sour-cream cake; hopping John made from rice, black-eyed peas, and salt pork; and bread pudding. Granny's idea of nouvelle cuisine is draining the fat from the bacon before wrapping it around a scamp steak.
Charlie cleared his throat. 'Kippers, bird's nest soup is a rare delicacy. Swifts make their nests entirely from saliva, and if you're ever in Hong Kong, I recommend-'
'Spit!' Kip was carrying a plastic bowl of deep-fried conch fritters. 'You eat soup made of bird spit?'
'Don't be squeamish, lad,' Charlie said. 'In some parts of the world, termite larvae are added to rice for flavoring and protein.'
'Gross and double gross!'
'Caterpillar has as much protein per gram as beef, and ten times the iron. Personally, I have tried Rhynchophorous phoenicis, weevil, and found it delightful.'
'I think I'm gonna hurl,' Kip said.
'Not in my kitchen,' I advised, then turned to my old friend, the deranged gourmet. 'Charlie, if you're finished educating Kip, maybe we can talk.'
'We can indeed, but not just yet. I seem to have worked up an appetite.'
'You're spitting against the wind,' Charlie said, and I wondered if he was still thinking of his favorite soup. We were sitting on the back porch, Charlie sipping at a mason jar of moonshine. I stuck to coffee.
'I've read and reread the autopsy report,' he said, 'as well as the surgeon's notes, the hospital records, and I've talked to the nurses. There's nothing to indicate Dr. Schein did anything remotely suspicious in that hospital room. The only marks on the body came from the gunshot wounds and the surgery. A heart attack caused Harry's death. You have no proof of anything else.'
'Just the knowledge that Guy Bernhardt wanted his father dead and Larry Schein is Guy's errand boy.'
'Why? What's the motive?'
'Harry's estate. With Chrissy convicted of murder, Guy gets it all.'
Charlie shook his head and tamped some tobacco into his pipe. 'If that's true, don't you think they would have kept their distance? I doubt Schein would have shown up in the hospital.'
'He had to make sure Harry was dead, and if not…'
Charlie lit his pipe, and the scent of cherry tobacco mixed with jasmine from my neighbor's yard. 'Do have the slightest thread of evidence that would support such an outrageous theory?'
'Evidence?' I said, as if I'd just discovered a new word. 'That's your job. Mine's to spin the tale of the destruction and death of a rich man.'
'Like Appointment in Samarra,' Charlie said.
'What?'
'A book by John O'Hara. A wealthy man-'
'I know the book, Charlie. I have a college degree that only took five years to earn.' I stared off into space before saying aloud, 'Appointment.'
'What?'
'You're a genius, Charlie.'
He grumbled some disclaimer, then said, 'What is it, Jake?'
'Harry had an appointment.'
'Hmmm?'
'Appointment at Paranoia, Charlie.'
You bait different hooks in a trial. And sometimes the lines get tangled. You can say to a jury that dirty cops engaged in an elaborate conspiracy to frame your saintly client, a handsome former running back accused of butchering his wife and her friend. And you can also say that the cops are so woefully incompetent that they can't put the right labels on their little bags of evidence or keep souvenir hunters out of impounded vehicles. It's not my client's blood, but if it is, it was planted, and if it wasn't planted, he cut himself a week earlier when he was carving turkeys for the poor.
To laymen, those poor souls deprived of legal training, the strategy seems contradictory. But to those of us trained in the fine arts of pettifoggery, hairsplitting, and wordplay, it all makes sense. In the first semester of law school, we learn contracts. A man lends a pot to another. When it is returned, it is cracked. The first man sues. The second answers the complaint in the time-honored fashion: I never borrowed the pot, but if I did, it was cracked when I borrowed it.
In Chrissy's case, I wanted to prove that she had been programmed to kill. My Manchurian Candidate defense, Kip called it. Chrissy was the guided missile, programmed by the manipulative shrink, launched by the avaricious half brother. At least, that's how I imagined my closing argument, if only I had the evidence.
At the same time, there were the fainting spells. Instead of a hypnotized zombie, Chrissy was an ill young woman who had been semiconscious, and hence without criminal intent, when she shot her father. Not as sexy a theory, maybe, but probably easier for the jury to swallow. In my lawyerly fashion, however, I tried to have it both ways.
Dr. Robert Rosen was my first witness. He smiled warmly at Chrissy and turned to the jury with professional ease and a bit of charm. Doctors are the best witnesses and the worst. When I had prepared Rosen's testimony, Kip was with me in the conference room. The doctor had been blathering on about 'classic neuro-cardiogenic syncope.'
'English, please,' I told him.
'Yeah, cut the bullshit, Doc,' Kip added.
'Kippers!'
'Easy, Uncle Jake. Don't you remember James Mason in The Verdict? He's getting this doctor ready to testify, and the doc, who's a total bogon, says, 'She aspirated vomitus into her mask.' So James Mason says, 'Cut the bullshit, Doc. She threw up, and always use her name. Debbie threw up.' '
'I didn't care for the movie,' Dr. Rosen said unhappily. 'Stories about medical malpractice make me uneasy. I did like James Mason, though.'
'He was the villain,' Kip said. 'The Prince of Fucking Darkness.'
'Kip!'
'That's what Jack Warden called him. I thought lawyers considered it a compliment.'
By the time Rosen took the stand, he spoke in plain English, occasionally fiddling with his mustache while he listened to my questions. He explained that Chrissy's fainting was caused by a gradual decline in blood pressure, and that she would grow woozy just before she fainted.
'So there would be a time of semiconsciousness?' I asked.
'Yes. As the blood pressure falls, there could be several seconds that precede the actual fainting where Chrissy blacks out, sees stars, that sort of thing.'
'Would she be capable of processing information?'
'Objection, vague,' Socolow shouted.
'Sustained,' Judge Stanger said.
'In such a state, would she be capable of forming a conscious thought, carrying out an intended task?'
'Objection, calls for speculation.'
Before the judge could sustain the objection, I offered to rephrase the question. 'Dr. Rosen, assuming a person with the classic neurocardiogenic syncope is in the preliminary phase of an episode-that is, the person's heart rate and blood pressure are falling and the person is woozy and seconds away from fainting- could that person consciously carry out an intended task?'
'Objection, assumes facts not in evidence.'
'I'll overrule it,' Judge Stanger said. 'It's admissible as a hypothetical question to an expert.'
Sometimes judges get tired of sustaining objections and, like everybody else, just want to hear the answers.
'It's a gray area,' Dr. Rosen said. 'And there's a continuum during which the person loses consciousness. At a certain point just prior to actually fainting, the person clearly would be incapable of performing most tasks.'
'Such as aiming a gun and pulling a trigger?'
