had counted all the Arsenal shirts in the centre. The old boy must have been making more than two million kroner a week, and that was a conservative calculation.
Every night, before we settled up with Andrey, Oleg and I carefully added up all the takings and made it tally with the goods. There was never as much as a krone missing. It wouldn’t have been worth it.
And I could trust Oleg one hundred per cent, I don’t think he had the imagination to think of stealing, or else he had not understood the concept. Or perhaps his head and his heart were too full of Irene. It was almost comical to see him wagging his tail when she was around. And how utterly blind she was to his adoration. Because Irene could see only one thing.
Me.
It neither bothered me nor pleased me, that was just how it was and always had been.
I knew her so well, knew exactly how I could make her little OMO-pure heart thump, her sweet mouth smile and — if that was what I wanted — her blue eyes fill with big tears. I could have let her go, opened the door and said there you are. But I’m a thief, and thieves don’t give away anything they think they might be able to convert into cash. Irene belonged to me, but two million a week belonged to the old boy.
It’s funny how six thousand a day develops legs when you take crystal meth like ice cubes in your drinks and wear clothes that are not bought from Cubus. That was why I was still dossing in the rehearsal room with Irene, who slept on a mattress behind the drums. But she was managing, didn’t touch so much as a spiked fag, ate veggie shit and had opened a fricking bank account. Oleg was living with his mother, so he must have been rolling in money. He had cleaned himself up, was doing some studying and had even begun to train at Valle Hovin.
While I was standing in Skippergata and thinking and doing mental arithmetic I saw a figure coming towards me in the pouring rain. Glasses misted up, thin hair plastered to his skull, wearing the type of all-weather jacket your fat, ugly girlfriend bought you both for Christmas. Well, either the girlfriend was ugly or she didn’t exist. I could see that from his gait. He limped. They’ve probably invented a word to camouflage it, but I call it a club foot, but then I say ‘spastic’ and ‘negro’ as well.
He stopped in front of me.
Now the thing is, I was no longer surprised at the kind of people who bought heroin, but this man definitely did not belong to the usual category of punter.
‘How much-?’
‘Three hundred and fifty for a quarter.’
‘-would you pay for a gram of heroin?’
‘Pay? We sell, fuckwit.’
‘I know. Just doing a bit of research.’
I looked at him. A journalist? A social worker? Or perhaps a politician? While I was working for Odin and Tutu a similar sort of bozo had come over and said he was on the council and some committee called RUNO, and asked me very politely whether I would go to a meeting about ‘Drugs and Youth’. They wanted to hear ‘voices from the street’. I turned up for a laugh and listened to them rabbit on about European Cities Against Drugs and a big international plan for a drug-free Europe. I was given a soft drink and a bun and laughed until I cried. But the person leading the meeting was this MILF, peroxide blonde, with features like a man, huge jugs and the voice of a sergeant major. For a moment I wondered whether she’d had more than her tits done. After the meeting she came over to me, said she was secretary to the Councillor for Social Services and that she would like to talk more about these things, could we meet at her place if I had ‘the opportunity’ one day. She was a MILF without the M, it turned out. Lived alone on a farm, wore tight riding breeches when she opened the door and wanted ‘it’ to take place in a stable. Didn’t bother me if she’d really had her dick done. They had tidied up nicely and installed a pair of milkers that bounced up a storm. But there’s something odd about screwing a woman who howls like a model aircraft two metres from sturdy, ruminating horses, which watch you with a semi-interested stare. Afterwards I had to pick straw from between my buttocks, and I asked her if she had a thousand kroner to lend me. We continued to meet until I started to earn six thousand a day, and between shags she had time to explain that a secretary did not sit writing letters for her councillor but dealt with practical politics. Even if she was a slave right now she was the person who made things happen. And when the right people understood that, it would be her turn to be a councillor. What I learned from her talk about the City Hall was that all politicians — high or low — wanted the same two things: power and sex. In that order. Whispering ‘cabinet minister’ in her ear at the same time as getting two fingers up could make her squirt all the way to the pigsty. I’m not kidding. And in the face of the guy in front of me I could read some of the same sick, intense longings.
‘Fuck off.’
‘Who’s your boss? I want to talk to him.’
Take me to your leader? The guy was either nuts or plain stupid.
‘Piss off.’
The guy didn’t budge, stood there with a peculiar crease at the hip and pulled something from the pocket of his all-weather jacket. A plastic bag containing white powder — seemed like it could have been half a gram or so.
‘This is a sample. Take it to your boss. The price is eight hundred kroner a gram. Careful with the dosage, divide this into ten. I’ll be back the day after tomorrow, same time.’
The man passed me the bag, turned and limped down the street.
Normally I would have chucked the bag in the nearest bin. I couldn’t even sell the shit to make money for me; I had a reputation to tend to. But there was something about the gleam in the madman’s eye. As though he knew something. So, when the working day was over and we had settled up with Andrey, I went with Oleg and Irene to Heroin Park. There, we asked if anyone felt like being a test pilot. I had done this before with Tutu. If there were new goods in town you went to where the most desperate junkies hung out, the ones willing to test anything so long as it’s free, who don’t care if it kills them because death is round the corner anyway.
Four volunteered, but said they wanted an eighth of real heroin on top. I said that was not on offer and was left with three. I doled out the goods.
‘Not enough!’ shouted one of the junkies with the diction of a stroke patient. I told him to shut up if he wanted dessert.
Irene, Oleg and I sat watching as they searched for veins between encrusted blood and injected themselves with surprisingly effective movements.
‘Oh Jesus,’ one of them groaned.
‘Fffff…’ another howled.
Then it went still. Total silence. It was like sending a rocket into space and losing all contact. But I already knew, I could see the ecstasy in their eyes before they disappeared: Houston, we have no problem. When they landed back on earth it was dark. The trip had lasted for more than five hours, double the length of a normal heroin trip. The test panel were unanimous. They had never experienced anything with such a kick. They wanted more, the rest of the bag, now, please, and staggered towards us like the zombies in Thriller. We burst out laughing and ran away.
When we sat on my mattress in the rehearsal room half an hour later, I had a bit of thinking to do. A seasoned junkie typically uses a quarter of a gram of street heroin per shot while Oslo’s most hardened junkies had got as high as fricking virgins on a quarter of that! The guy had given me pure junk. But what was it? It looked and smelt like heroin, had the consistency of heroin, but to trip out for five hours on such a small dose? Whatever, I knew I was sitting on a gold mine. Eight hundred kroner per gram, which could be diluted three times and sold for fourteen hundred. Fifty grams a day. Thirty thousand straight in your pocket. In mine. In Oleg’s and Irene’s.
I raised the business proposition to them. Explained the figures.
They looked at each other. They didn’t seem to be as enthusiastic as I had expected.
‘But Dubai…’ Oleg said.
I lied and told them there was no danger so long as we didn’t trick the old boy. First, we would go and say we were stopping, that we had met Jesus or some such bollocks. Then wait a bit before starting up on our own in a small way.
They looked at each other again. And I suddenly realised there was something to it, something which I had not picked up on before.
‘It’s just that…’ Oleg said, his eyes struggling to find a focus on the wall. ‘Irene and I, we…’
‘You what?’
