Oh, what a vicious circle it was! If Komarovsky’s irruption into Lara’s life had aroused only her revulsion, Lara would have rebelled and broken free. But things were not so simple.
The girl was flattered that a handsome, graying man who could have been her father, who was applauded in assemblies and written about in the newspapers, spent money and time on her, called her goddess, took her to theaters and concerts and, as they say, “improved her mind.”
And here she was still an immature schoolgirl in a brown dress, a secret participant in innocent school conspiracies and pranks. Komarovsky’s lovemaking somewhere in a carriage under the coachman’s nose or in the secluded back of a loge before the eyes of the whole theater fascinated her by its covert boldness and prompted the little demon awakened in her to imitation.
But this naughty schoolgirl daring was quickly passing. An aching sense of brokenness and horror at herself had long been taking root in her. And she wanted to sleep all the time. From not sleeping enough at night, from tears and eternal headaches, from schoolwork and general physical fatigue.
15
He was her curse, she hated him. Every day she went over these thoughts afresh.
Now she’s his slave for life. How has he enslaved her? How does he extort her submission, so that she succumbs, plays up to his desires, and delights him with the shudders of her unvarnished shame? Is it his age, mama’s financial dependence on him, his skill in frightening her, Lara? No, no, no. That’s all nonsense.
It’s not she who is subordinate to him, but he to her. Doesn’t she see how he languishes after her? She has nothing to be afraid of, her conscience is clear. It is he who should be ashamed and frightened, if she should expose him. But the thing is that she will never do it. For that she does not have enough baseness, which is Komarovsky’s main strength in dealing with the subordinate and weak.
That is where they differ. And that also makes for the horror of life all around. How does it stun you—with thunder and lightning? No, with sidelong glances and whispers of calumny. It’s all trickery and ambiguity. A single thread is like a spiderweb, pull and it’s gone, but try to free yourself and you get even more entangled.
And the base and weak rule over the strong.
16
She said to herself: “And what if I was married? How would it be different?” She entered on the path of sophistry. But at times a hopeless anguish came over her.
How can he not be ashamed to lie at her feet and implore her: “It can’t go on like this. Think what I’ve done to you. You’re sliding down a steep slope. Let’s tell your mother. I’ll marry you.”
And he wept and insisted, as if she were arguing and disagreeing. But it was all just phrases, and Lara did not even listen to those tragic, empty-sounding words.
And he went on taking her, under a long veil, to the private rooms of that terrible restaurant, where the waiters and customers followed her with their gazes as if undressing her. And she only asked herself: Does one humiliate the person one loves?
Once she had a dream. She is under the ground, all that remains of her is her left side with its shoulder and her right foot. A clump of grass is growing from her left nipple, and aboveground they are singing: “Dark eyes and white breasts” and “Tell Masha not to cross the river.”
17
Lara was not religious. She did not believe in rites. But sometimes, in order to endure life, she needed it to be accompanied by some inner music. She could not invent such music each time for herself. This music was the word of God about life, and Lara went to church to weep over it.
Once at the beginning of December, when Lara’s inner state was like Katerina’s in
“Prov Afanasyevich,” Olya whispered in her ear.
“Shh. Let me be, please. What Prov Afanasyevich?”
“Prov Afanasyevich Sokolov. Mother’s second cousin. The one who’s reading.”
“Ah, she means the psalm-reader. Tiverzin’s relation. Shh. Be quiet. Don’t bother me, please.”
They had come at the beginning of the service. The psalm “Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless His holy name” was being sung.13
The church was rather empty and echoing. Only towards the front were people crowded in a compact group. It was a newly built church. The colorless glass of the window did not brighten in any way the gray, snow-covered lane and the people driving or walking up and down it. The church warden stood by that window and, loud enough for the whole church to hear, paying no attention to the service, admonished some deaf woman, a ragged holy fool, and his voice was of the same conventional, everyday sort as the window and the lane.
While Lara, slowly going around the praying people, copper money clutched in her hand, went to the door to buy candles for herself and Olya, and went back just as carefully, so as not to push anyone, Prov Afanasyevich managed to rattle off the nine beatitudes,14 like something well-known to everyone without him.
Blessed are the poor in spirit … Blessed are those who mourn … Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness …
Lara walked, suddenly shuddered, and stopped. That was about her. He says: Enviable is the lot of the downtrodden. They have something to tell about themselves. They have everything before them. So He thought. It was Christ’s opinion.
18
Those were the Presnya days.15 They found themselves in the zone of the uprising. A few steps away from them, on Tverskaya, a barricade was being built. It could be seen from the living-room window. People were fetching buckets of water from their courtyard to pour over the barricade and bind the stones and scraps of metal it was made of in an armor of ice.
The neighboring courtyard was a gathering place of the people’s militia, a sort of first-aid station or canteen.
Two boys used to come there. Lara knew them both. One was Nika Dudorov, a friend of Nadya’s, at whose house Lara had made his acquaintance. He was of Lara’s ilk—direct, proud, and taciturn. He resembled Lara and did
