scissors, a little blood, a scream or two and you’re free. Nothing some soap and water won’t erase. Then you can go home.”
“Home?”
“Just make sure little Zack doesn’t get too much blood on his face. I’ve been meaning to tell you that. Readers don’t want to see the kid with Mommy’s blood all over him.”
He sips his wine, looking at her over the rim of the glass with a little smirk on his face. This is his idea of a joke. The mother fucker. There’s so much blood, so much blood everywhere, and it isn’t chop-chop, she keeps hitting keeps hitting keeps hitting. And then stuff comes out, comes out of her mother’s head. Emma feels her stomach spasm.
“Mom’s blood dripping off the hero’s face,” Charles says. “Nasty scene.”
But it did drip off her face, not only blood but the other stuff too, the other stuff, all over her. Emma knocks the chair back and runs for the bathroom but she doesn’t make it. She throws up on the floor beside her dresser. Dirty girl, dirty little monkey, dirty little puke-face monkey. Why does he have to see her like this? He’ll never love her now. She begins to mop up the vomit with the hem of her shirt. She hears him push back his chair and cross the floor and she mops faster. If she can only get the mess up off the floor, maybe he won’t notice. Maybe he didn’t see. Nothing a little soap and water won’t erase.
He puts his hand on her shoulder.
“It’s all right, Emma. You go in the bathroom and clean up. I’ll take care of this. This always happens at the end.”
Later she’s lying in bed, facing the wall. She wrote for a little while and then he told her to get into bed. He insisted, for her sake, like someone who loved her, was taking care of her. He took the work she did and sat at the kitchen table with it, scribbling all over her pages. Now he’s come over to sit on the edge of the bed. The mattress sags under his weight. Maybe she should get a bigger bed. But for what? He puts his hand on her shoulder and she shudders. Then he lies down beside her and nestles his body against hers, his mouth at her ear.
“I’ve been thinking,” he says softly, running his hand down her arm. “I mean this for your sake, for you, my little girl.”
She doesn’t like his soft syrupy tone. For her sake? He means it for her sake? The motherfucker. She should kill him. He deserves it.
“Everyone gets crazy at the end, Emma. I do; I always have. Those last pages have to be bled out of you.” He’s stroking her hair. “But you’re not in good shape, little girl. You need a rest. I’ll take care of you as much as I can, but you need more.” His breath is warm against her ear. It’s as if he is speaking from inside her head. “You need your family. As soon as you finish, I think you should go and stay for a while with your mother.”
Her body goes cold. Your mother. As if he knows. As if he knows everything. Her jaw clenches and she starts to grind her teeth. If she had a knife in her hand right now she’d whirl around and stick it in his neck. Nothing some soap and water won’t erase. She’d stick it in his neck and then she’d laugh and take her book and she’d show him. She’d go to a safe place, a safe place, and she’d show him. And the dirty monkey goes ’round and ’round.
“Emma?”
She opens her eyes.
“Did you fall asleep?”
“No.”
“I was saying I thought you should-”
“I heard you.”
“Well?”
“No.”
“No?”
“No, I’m not going anywhere. I’m staying here. I’m not going anywhere when I finish the book. I’m staying here and I’m starting a new book. Right away.”
He laughs. The mattress shakes beneath them. He puts his arm around her and pulls her body tight against his. She can feel him hard against her ass. “That’s the spirit. Ambitious little bitch.” He bites her earlobe. “My ambitious little bitch, my little girl.”
He grinds against her, his hand sliding her T-shirt up over her ribs. His hand squeezes her ass, biting into her flesh. He’s mumbling in her ear- bitch, dirty little bitch. He slides his pants down with one hand and then spits into his hand. The spit crackles as he rubs it on himself- hot little dirty bitch. He’s pressing against her back there, sliding up and down, trying to push in. She doesn’t care anymore. She pushes back against him. She wants it. He starts to enter her and a sharp pain cuts through her whole body. Pain. Thank-fucking-God.
She bites his hand and rocks her hips, feeling something slippery back there, as if she’s bleeding. Tears are running down her face, but the pain feels so good, so sharp, so hard, pushing everything else out of her mind, she can’t stop, she can’t stop. There’s nothing else now, just this just this. It’s like dying, she thinks.
The mother is dead. Zack’s mother. Dead and bleeding on the floor of the art room, with the bright-colored paintings on the wall. Gone. That part, the murder, came easily. Charles left the apartment and she sat down at the desk and wrote sentence after sentence with calm precision. She saw the scissors, felt them puncturing flesh again and again and again and again. She won’t let Charles change a single word this time.
The sun has moved past the front windows now and Charles still isn’t back. She only has a few pages left. It won’t take long. The book will end as Zack is entering the cold, echoing halls of the hospital. Emma lays her head down on the wood of the desk and closes her eyes. She’ll write the ending in a minute.
Then she feels his hand, shaking her shoulder, shaking her awake. She can smell wet paper under her face- she drooled on her pages.
“Emma,” he’s saying. “Emma.”
Emma, Emma, Emma.
Where is she? How long has she been asleep?
He’s saying something to her, but she can’t put the words together. “How long have you been asleep?”
How long, how long?
He bends down and brushes her hair off her face. That’s when she smells it, smells something, something pretty. She knows that smell. My pretty powder, not for dirty girls, put it here, dirty girl, between Mommy’s pretty legs, nice and soft, doesn’t it smell pretty?
She stands up and pushes back the chair and it topples to the floor. She shoves him away from her. She has enough strength for that. She has enough strength to protect herself.
“Emma!”
She has to get out, out of that filthy apartment above the hardware store, out, away, get to someplace safe. Some safe place. She runs to the door and pulls it open, but he grabs her and drags her back in.
“What are you doing?”
He shakes her, his fingers squeezing her arms, his face on top of hers. She can smell his breath, the hot whiskey smell of his breath, and the powder, the pretty powder. This is expensive shit, you stupid little freak. She isn’t safe here, she’s never been safe here. What is he doing to her?
“Emma! Emma, please. Tell me, tell me… ”
She hadn’t told him, she hadn’t told him-had she? The lamp, the snow, the men who broke down the door, the blood soaking through the little braided rug at the foot of her bed. The powder, the pretty powder. Violet- scented powder, fifteen bucks a fucking tin. She hadn’t told him about that. How does he know? How does he know about the powder?
“Where did you get it? Where did you get it!”
He slaps her face hard. “Emma. Look at me! Look at me!”
His voice is high and frightened. She has him scared now. Good. Why should she be afraid? Why should she? She’s defended herself before.
He slaps her again, and blood rushes to her face and her mind slows down. Slow down, slow down.
“What are you talking about, Emma? What are you saying?”
It’s Charles, Charles, why should she be afraid of Charles?
“Look at me, Emma!”
Sometimes the mind plays tricks on us. Which doctor told her that? Tricky minds. She has a tricky mind. Mommy coming down the hall of the hospital all pretty and bloody, just before dawn. She never could trust her
