water from the Instant Hot tap.
In the kitchen, she deliberately placed the cup on the saucer with enough force to produce an audible tinkle. If anyone was listening, she wanted to dispel the impression that she was sneaking around. She had to see him, she decided. How could this have happened to such a man? How could Barbara possibly reject Oliver?
She took another teacup off the shelf and dropped in a tea bag, filled the cup with hot water, and put both cups on a tray. Something was missing, she decided, looking around until she spotted a ceramic cookie jar in which Barbara placed her chocolate-chip cookies. She laid out some cookies on the tray and carried it to the library.
He was sprawled on the leather couch, looking haggard and unshaven, his hand shielding his eyes from the glare of the Tiflany lamp. Hearing her, he lifted his head, startled, revealing his disappointed reaction. Perhaps he was expecting Barbara.
'I was making myself a cup of tea and I thought you might. . .' Her hands shook, rattling the teacups on the tray. In the air was the sour odour of alcohol, and it struck her quite suddenly that he might be drunk. Beneath her quilted robe and pyjamas, she felt her nakedness and a sudden stabbing sensation in her nipples. A nerve palpitated in her neck.
'No need, really, Ann,' he said, his voice gravelly. But he had lifted himself on one elbow and was squinting at her, not quite sober but not quite drunk. She started to turn, but his voice stopped her.
'Might as well,' he said, sitting up, running his fingers through his hair. She moved the tray toward him and he took the teacup, but left the cookies.
'Good,' he said. 'Nice and hot.'
'I like it sometimes when I've been studying. Gives me a second wind.'
He was, she imagined, forcing his politeness. He had never really noticed her. Certainly not as a woman. She put the tray down on the couch beside him and, still standing, began to sip her own tea.
'I suppose you know what's happened?' he said.
She nodded, but he did not look up, preferring instead to stare at the teacup.
'I started to come home for dinner. Then I thought, Jesus Christ, I can't come home for dinner. So I went to the Hilton and sat at the bar. Then I had dinner at the coffee shop. Did you ever realize how impersonal hotel living can be?' He looked up at her, then his eyes wandered.
She was thankful he was not waiting for an answer.
'It's beyond my comprehension, Ann.'
He shook his head and looked around the library. 'A man builds a fortress against the terrors of life.' He looked at his hands. 'I built a lot of things with these. I know some of the intimate secrets of these objects. God, we worked like beavers on those shelves.' He paused. 'That rent table. We found the son of a bitch in a little antique barn outside Frederick. Something deliciously sinister about it. The tenant put the rent in one of those little cubbies and the landlord just revolved the top, scooped up the money, and put it in a drawer. Nice and neat. A kind of symbolic fortress. Did you know that, Ann?'
'Josh explained it once.'
'Josh. Oh, shit.'
'They're fine, Oliver. I had a long talk with Eve.'
He put his teacup back on the tray and surprised her suddenly by stretching out his hand to her. Since she was holding the teacup, she could not respond. She felt her knees shake.
'Dear Ann,' he said. 'You've been swell.'
She could not resist. The palpitation in her body grew more forceful and her ears pounded. Putting down the teacup, she grasped his hand, continuing to stand but keeping her distance. God, how she longed to embrace him. His hand felt hot in hers. .
'I don't know how the hell I'm going to explain it to them.' He drew a deep breath between his teeth. 'I feel so damned inadequate.'
'Inadequate? You?'
He withdrew his hand and she let it drop. Let me love you, her mind screamed, frightening her. She watched his head droop into his hands.
'I've never been through this before. I don't know what to do. I can barely face anybody. Barely function. I haven't even got the will to move out. I'm, quite literally, paralyzed. Zombied into a state of shock. I was standing out there in front of the Hilton and I suddenly felt disoriented, alone. I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Maybe I even lost track of time. I don't know how I got home.'
He lifted his head as if he wanted her to glimpse his anguish. Confide in me, she begged silently.
'I feel so helpless. I can't believe it's happening.'
'Perhaps it will pass,' she said. She seemed to hold her breath.
'Never. It's over, Ann.'
She forced herself to hide her elation.
'I just want you to know . ..' She felt her face flush. 'That I'm going to stick by the kids. I think they'll be fine. Just fine.' She wondered about that. Eve was already smoking heavily. Josh had become withdrawn.
Only Barbara seemed blithely content. 'And if you need me for anything.' She felt suddenly manipulative, sinister, hardly as innocent as she thought herself to be. A fantasy suddenly filled her mind. He was coming towards her, kissing her nipples, his fingers moving up her thighs. She felt her lips begin to swell. 'Anything,' she said. He closed his eyes and nodded. He reached out to her, and she took his hand again. 'I'm sorry,' she said.
'Dear Ann,' he whispered, more brotherly than she had wished. He released her hand, then lay back on the couch and closed his eyes. She watched him for a long time before departing.
