'He was an alcoholic. He would have sold his soul for money to buy whiskey. Grandmere Catherine believed he did.'
'What happened to you?'
'I managed to escape, and that was when I came to New Orleans and met your father. So you see, every dark cloud does have a silver lining,' she added, smiling. I smiled and nodded and then tightened my lips and looked down again. 'What else happened, Pearl?'
'It's not that anything else happened. It's . . .'
'What honey?'
'It's what he said. I wonder if there is any truth to it. My school friends think so, and so do all my ex-boyfriends, Oh, Mommy, what if it's true? What if I can never relax with any boy? No one will ever fall in love with me,' I moaned.
'I don't think it's true, and I know you don't have to sleep with the first man who propositions you, just to prove you're not frigid. I don't suppose there's an approach that hasn't been tried on some unsuspecting young woman, but for him to use his authority as a doctor . . . deplorable. There's nothing wrong with you, honey,' she said, putting her arm around me. 'I didn't sleep with every boy who wanted me to sleep with him.'
'How many did you sleep with, Mommy?' I asked and then bit my tongue. Even though we were like sisters, I hated prying into such a personal part of her life.
She stared for a moment and then smiled. 'I slept only with your father. No one else mattered,' she replied. 'Maybe that sounds stupid to today's young people, sounds boring, but—'
'It doesn't sound stupid or boring to me, Mommy.'
'When you find the right person, something precious and good will happen, and that will make you feel safe with him. When you feel safe, you won't hesitate to be a complete lover. I'm not one of these love experts who write columns in the newspapers, but I know what was true for me, and I feel sure it will be true for you as well. You think too much of yourself and you value your emotions too much to give anything away cheaply. That's good, and it doesn't make you a prude or frigid. It makes you wise.' She smiled and laughed to herself.
'What?'
'I remember when I was a little girl, I was watching two larks flitting about madly, and I asked Grandmere Catherine what was wrong with them. She said they were doing a mating dance. The female was pretending not to be interested, which, Grandmere Catherine explained, made the male even more interested and guaranteed the female she wouldn't be disappointed. 'She just wants him to know she ain't no easy date,' Grandmere said.'
We both laughed.
'You were so lucky to grow up in the bayou. I wish I had,' I said.
'Oh, it was no picnic. We worked hard to have what we needed just for day-to-day living, but the mornings and the nights . . .'
'You still miss it, don't you, Mommy?'
'I do. Some.'
'Why don't we go back? Why don't we all visit Cypress Woods?' I said excitedly.
'No, I don't think so, honey. Not just yet,' she said getting up, obviously uncomfortable with the idea. 'Feeling better?'
'Yes, Mommy.'
'Hungry?'
'A little.'
'Then let's go downstairs. We'll pretend you just came in and we'll go get you something to eat. Daddy will want to hear every detail about your day at the hospital.'
'I know. It's sad he never became a doctor.'
'Life holds a surprise around every bend. Some good, some disappointment. The trick is to keep poling your canoe,' she said.
'I've never even been in a pirogue. Why can't we go to the bayou?' I pleaded.
'We will. Someday,' she said, but it was the same someday I had heard hundreds of times before. This one had no more ring of truth to it. But it did have a darker, deeper, and hollower resonance. It left me feeling uncertain, like someone grappling with the darkness, pressing her face into the night, waiting hopefully for the first star.
The past, our past, resembled the maze of canals that were woven through the bayou, some leading out, some leading farther and farther into the unknown. It would take courage to risk the trip, but I was confident that someday I would embark. Someday I would go back and discover the answers to the questions that lingered.
I only hoped, how I hoped, that I would have someone precious and loving alongside me when I pushed away from the shore and began the journey.
5
Is Love for Me?
Although I had assured Mommy I would have no trouble working in the hospital near Jack Weller, I couldn't help feeling as if my heart was wound in tight rubber bands when I stepped off the cable car and walked to the hospital the following day. The sky was heavily overcast and gray with rain only minutes away. In fact, the air was so humid I thought I saw drops forming right before my eyes. Sophie had already arrived. She had come early
