She got up and began to walk, absently kicking small stones as she paced.
“So you went to bed with him because he saw you at a few meetings?”
She snorted, a pretend laugh. “I said I’d tell you what happened. I didn’t say it would make sense.”
His stare followed her as she paced, waiting. “When was all this?”
“Just after he got here. I was getting a pass and he recognized me. And then later he asked me about it. Wondered why it wasn’t in my file.”
“And why wasn’t it?”
“Nobody ever asked. I was just a wife. Daniel was vetted in London. They knew I’d been in Spain. So had lots of people. It was the thing to do. Maybe no one there thought anything of it. But you know what it’s like here.” She turned to face him. “Look, I was scared. Is that so hard for you to understand? Being here is all Daniel ever cared about. You know what happens if they pull your security clearance. I couldn’t do that to him. Just because his wife went to some silly meetings? They didn’t mean anything anyway. I don’t even remember what they talked about. It was all-innocent. But would your lot believe that? ‘Why didn’t you tell us before? Who else was there?’ You know what it’s like. They’d never trust him after that.”
“Is that where you met him? At the meetings?”
“No,” she said dismissively, “he didn’t know anything about that. We met at the university.”
“So it was your little secret.”
“I didn’t think it mattered. It didn’t. And then later-well, then it was too late. They’d always want to know why I hadn’t told them in the first place. I just wanted things to go on as they were. No one was the wiser. What did it matter?”
“But Karl was wiser.”
“Yes.”
“So you decided to do Daniel a real favor and make a new friend.”
She stared at him. “That’s right. I needed a friend.”
“And was he? A friend?” She shrugged and turned away, pacing again.
“What else?”
“Why should there be anything else?”
“Because there is. Emma, half the people on the Hill went to political meetings ten years ago. You didn’t sleep with him for that.”
“Maybe I wanted to. Who knows why we do things? Why do you?”
“What else?”
“Oh, leave me alone.”
“What happened in Berlin? To your husband?”
“I don’t know,” she said. “He left.”
“Just like that.”
“Yes, just like that. He deserted me.” She looked at him for a reaction. “I guess my charms weren’t enough to keep him. He must have had something more important to do.”
“But where did he go?”
“I’ve no idea. I never heard from him. I assume he died. Given everything.”
“Did you try to find him?”
“No. He left me, you see. He didn’t want to be found.”
“What did you do? Go back to London?”
“No, I stayed on.”
“You stayed on. In Berlin. With a missing Communist husband.”
“Nobody knew he was my husband. That was-I don’t know, part of it. Look, I know it sounds silly now, but things were different then. He didn’t want anybody to know. For my sake. In case something happened.”
“What the hell was he doing?”
“Oh, don’t get your hopes up. He wasn’t the Comintern’s man in place or anything like that. At least, I don’t think so. Probably just leaflets and setting up those awful meetings. But he liked to pretend it was dangerous. Maybe it was. Anything was then, I suppose. Anyway, he thought so.”
“So you stayed.”
Emma shrugged again. “I didn’t fancy running home to Daddy. I’d made my bed-I thought I’d better lie in it.”
“In Berlin,” he said skeptically. “Living hand to mouth with the Nazis in the street.”
“That’s right. Stupid, wasn’t it?”
He watched her as she lit another cigarette, not meeting his eyes. “Tell me, Emma,” he said quietly.
She blew out the smoke, raising her head to look at him. “I was pregnant.”
He waited for a minute, but she simply continued to smoke, staring at him. “What happened?”
“I got rid of it. I killed it.”
“God—”
“Well, what was I supposed to do?” she said, her voice breaking for the first time.
“I didn’t mean that.”
“Didn’t you? Well, never mind. It doesn’t make any difference. I had it-taken care of. One office visit. Easy, really. Not so easy to arrange, though. The Germans had views on that sort of thing.” She snorted. “Matthew always thought he was so frightfully clandestine. Try finding a friendly doctor-that was the real secret world.”
“How did you?”
“Daniel helped me,” she said simply. “Surprised? No German would have touched me. But he knew the refugees. They were always open for a bit of business.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. It was a long time ago.”
“No. For asking.”
She nodded. “Yes. It makes things different, doesn’t it? It’s not always nice knowing things.”
“And that’s why you helped him get out?”
She smiled wryly. “Take one life and save another? Maybe it was something like that, I don’t know. I didn’t look into things then, I just did them. Maybe you can sort it out for me.” Her eyes were moist. “I don’t know why I’m explaining all this to you. Hardly what you want for your report, is it?”
“No.”
“Anything else, then? While you’ve got the light in my face?”
“Why did it stop?”
“Well, there’s a question. Because I asked. I just couldn’t anymore.”
“And he agreed? He didn’t insist? Threaten you?”
“Threaten me? Karl? It wasn’t like that. You’ve become as mad as the rest of them. He didn’t bloody blackmail me. I’m sorry, but he didn’t. That’s what you want to think. He never threatened me. He knew things. Ordinarily it wouldn’t have mattered-not exactly the end of the world to go to a meeting, is it? — but in a place like this it was-awkward, okay? There wasn’t time to sort anything out. I thought they’d send Daniel packing. So.” She paused, looking away. “Anyway, it’s done. Now you’ll tell them anyway, so it seems I needn’t have bothered.”
“But he didn’t care?”
She considered this for a minute, as if the idea were new to her. “You know, oddly enough, I don’t think he did. Oh, he was fond of me in his way, but in the end I don’t think it interested him very much. He wasn’t-personal. He was afraid of it. It’s hard to explain. Once he had his file complete, I think he just wanted to move on.”
“You liked him.”
“I felt sorry for him. It’s a terrible thing, not being able to trust anyone. Prison did that, I guess. I often wondered what happened to him there-oh, I don’t mean physically, the fingers and all that. But inside. It made him a little crazy, I think. Goblins everywhere.” She paused, wiping sweat from her face with her handkerchief. “Anyway, he came to the right place for it. Here he got paid for not trusting anybody. I think he liked that better than sex, all the-untangling. He was excited by that. Maybe it was just prison all over again, get them before they get you. He couldn’t help it anymore. He always thought somebody was out to get him.”
“Somebody did.”
“Yes,” she said, then went over to gather up the picnic things. “I think you’d better take me home now. I’ve
