see, to them I’m a Russian. They want to know what I’m doing here.”
Nick took this in, toying with it. A Russian. They passed the Soviet tank again and headed across the river.
“What did they give you a medal for?”
“Services to the state. All of us got one. Mostly for going there. Once they’ve brought you in, they don’t know what to do with you, so they give you a medal. It’s cheap and it gives you something to hold on to. So you don’t wonder why you’re not doing anything anymore. They don’t trust foreigners-they can’t help it, it’s in the bone. After the magazine, I got the job at the institute, so at least they thought I wasn’t going to do any damage. Some of the others-English lessons, make-work.”
“What did you do?”
“Policy analyst. American policy. Of course, by the time they trusted me to do that, I’d been away from Washington so long I didn’t know any more about American policy than the next man. They have a habit of defeating their own purpose. But maybe that’s what they wanted all along. Anyway, they never listened to anything I had to say.”
Nick realized that the answer, easy and smooth, was what he wanted to hear, and for the first time he wondered if his father could be lying. Had he really done so little? For an instant he felt as if he were back at the hearing. So plausible and persuasive, and all the while- Nick stopped. Was he Welles now? The inquisitor to outflank? Who cared whether they listened to him or not? And it might after all — which was worse? — be the truth, a glib answer to mask a marginal life.
“Seems a shame-for them, I mean,” Nick said.
“Not taking advantage of my wisdom? Who knows? I was wrong about Cuba. I never thought we’d go that far.”
Nick paused. “We who?”
“We Americans,” his father said softly, clearly thrown by the question.
There was nothing to say to that and Nick drove quietly, skirting the top of Wenceslas to follow the streets behind the university. The mood in the car was uneasy now, as if, improbably, they had nothing more to say.
“Tell me about your mother,” his father said finally. “Tell me about Livia.”
“She’s-fine. Busy. Lots of parties. You know.”
“Yes, she loved parties.” A beat. “Does she ever talk about me?”
“No.”
The word, blunt and final, hung between them, and the instant Nick heard it he wished he had lied. Another door closing, louder this time. The silence, as leaden as the sky, was its own response, and there was nothing to break it but the sound of the car. At a corner, Nick stopped and reached into a back pocket for his wallet. He pulled out a photograph and handed it to his father, then put the car back in gear and drove on, allowing him to look in private.
“She’s cut her hair,” his father said quietly. “She used to wear it longer.”
Nick kept driving, not wanting to intrude. From the corner of his eye he saw his father holding the picture, absorbed.
“I may have this?” he said finally, a foreign intonation. Nick nodded. “She’s the same.” He put the picture in the breast pocket of his jacket. “Don’t tell Anna,” he said, and Nick felt drawn against his will into some odd complicity. Why was even the simplest gesture tangled?
“Would she mind?”
“It’s better this way,” his father said, not answering.
“Sometimes the way she looks at me,” Nick said, “I think I remind her of you.” A small offering, to soften the no.
But his father wanted to move on. “No. Just the eyes.” He was looking at Nick now. “So tall.”
“We’re the same height.”
His father smiled. “Well, you used to be smaller. And now. You still bite your nails.” Involuntarily Nick moved his hands on the wheel, turning in his fingers. “Always something going on inside.”
You were going on inside, Nick wanted to shout. Instead, he said, “Do you have children? You and Anna.”
“No, there’s only you. We’re not so young.” He paused. “She’s nervous, you know, about you.”
“Why?”
His father shrugged. “She thinks you’ll change things.” He took out another cigarette. “But what is there to change?”
“Are you supposed to smoke those things? With your heart?”
“No, of course not. I’m not supposed to do anything. No excitement. If you listened to them, you’d be so careful you’d go without knowing the difference.”
“Is it bad for you? My being here?” A new thought.
“Very bad,” he said, teasing gently. “It’s the best thing in the world.”
The houses-smaller now, with patches of garden-were thinning out, and they could see the country ahead.
“Is this right?” Nick said.
“Yes, keep going. I want to show you something.”
“Are you going to tell me what?”
“It’s not a mystery,” he said, making it one. “Everything in its time.”
Nick glanced at him. There was an agenda, everything planned. And what was at the end? The Wallenstein, the switch of cars, the country. Step by step. Even their conversation now seemed to him a kind of testing, his father leading him further into his life, where nothing was open. Secrecy became a habit. He saw now that his father wanted to be sure of him somehow, and he felt unexpectedly wounded. Wasn’t it enough that he had come?
In the woods there were still blossoms on the trees, not the lush flowering of Virginia but a thin sprinkling of white, a Bohemian lace.
“Remember the dogwood,” his father said, seeing them too. “On 2nd Street? I wonder, is it still there?”
“Magnolia. I don’t know. The neighborhood’s changed.”
“But not the trees,” his father said, not hearing the shift in Nick’s tone.
“I’ve never been back. We sold it. Right after.”
“Ah. What became of Nora? Do you see her?”
“Just Christmas cards. She’s still there somewhere. Arlington, I think.”
“I always wondered, was she working for the FBI?” his father said easily. “Old Edgar had a real fondness for housekeepers.”
The words, like a trigger, exploded something in Nick. This was crazy, yet another descent through the rabbit hole. Even Nora. Who cares? It’s not important. He felt things fall away until there was nothing but the gulf of all the years between them. Why were they talking about this? The realtor view from Holeckova. Two bathrooms. Moscow in the snow. Surreal, all of it. They gave me a medal. Talk to me.
“I loved that house,” his father said dreamily.
It snapped again. Everything in its time. Now. He felt his breath shortening and gripped the wheel, bringing the car to a stop on the side of the road, his foot on the brake. He heard the motor, his own breathing, sensed his father turning in alarm.
“Why did you do it?” he said, his voice wavering, staring straight ahead, pulling the words out of himself, not enough breath for a wail. “Why did you leave me?”
Then there was no sound at all, a suspension even of air.
“I didn’t leave you,” his father said finally, in a whisper. “I left myself.” A distress real enough to touch. Nick knew it was true and knew that if he reached out for it they would lose the moment, put everything aside in some evasive forgetting.
“No,” he said, still looking at the wheel. “Me. You left me. Why did you?”
His father said nothing. Nick kept his eyes ahead, afraid to look. What could there be on his face but loss?
“I want to explain-” his father said weakly, then stopped.
