other boutique hotels. Our taxi pulls up and stops at the sidewalk in front of the hotel. Harry, who is up front with the driver, speaks pidgin English and does sign language gesturing for him to get our bags. The guy sits there with a cigarette dangling from his lip. He seems not to understand a word of English other than the name of our hotel.
The Claude Bernard has a redbrick facade on the ground level with five stories above, including the penthouse. Wrought-iron-railed balconies reminiscent of those in New Orleans wrap the building on three of the upper floors.
Harry spies a boulangerie behind us and just across the street, kitty-corner to the hotel. He has his taste buds set for coffee and a pastry. It has been a while since our last meal on the plane. Riding in coach, we didn’t get much.
“Later,” I tell him. “We need to get off the street and up into the rooms.” Though we are a good block away from the Saint-Jacques, it wouldn’t do to have Liquida cruise by and see us.
The driver is out, getting the bags from the trunk. Joselyn and I collect our belongings from the backseat of the taxi. “Seeing as none of us speak French, how do we pay the guy?” says Harry.
“Hold out money,” says Joselyn.
“What, and let him take what he wants?” says Harry.
“The price of cultural ignorance,” she tells him.
“So we shouldn’t come to France unless we speak French, is that it?” he says.
“In a word, yes.”
“It’s that kind of attitude that’s gotten American tourists speaking English in Paris turned into spittoons,” says Harry. “Why don’t you and I get the luggage?” He looks at me. “I’ll deal with the driver. Que quantos euros?” says Harry.
“Your Spanish is as bad as your French,” says Joselyn.
“Tell you what, why don’t you get the rooms?” he tells her. “The desk clerk will be less likely to spit on a woman.” Harry hands Joselyn his credit card and smiles at her. “You might want to wear a raincoat.”
“Fine.” She grabs the credit card from his hand. “No problem. Should we put both rooms on this one or do you have a card you’d like to give me as well?” She looks at me, all pissed off.
“What did I say?”
“Do you have a credit card or not?”
“It all comes out of the same pot,” I tell her. Harry and I are using business credit cards, and the business is very nearly drained.
Joselyn gets out of the car and slams the door like she is trying to break the window.
“Here,” Harry hands me some euros. “You deal with the driver. I’ll get the bellman to get the bags.”
Before I can say anything, Harry is out of the car, following Joselyn toward the entrance.
I get out on the driver’s side and stand pressed against the side of the car as traffic passes by.
The driver tosses the last bag onto the sidewalk. It’s a good thing we aren’t carrying glass. He closes the trunk and comes around to the driver’s side.
“How much?” I hold up the euros.
He gives me a face. I get the sense that he understands every word, but he’s not going to say it, not in English anyway. He flashes five fingers with his right hand and one more with his left, cigarette ash dripping down the front of his tweed coat. He wants sixty euros. I don’t know if this is correct or not, but I pay him. When the last ten-euro note hits his hand, he takes it with the other and stands there with his hand still out waiting for more. He wants a tip. I give him five euros. He looks at it as if it’s shriveling in his palm and turns his nose up. For a moment I think perhaps he is going to give it back to me. Instead he pockets it, looks at me with disgust, and flips what is left of his cigarette. It hits my shoe. He does this with such accuracy that I suspect it is well practiced. He gets into the taxi, slams the door, and pulls away. He nearly runs over my toes as I stand in the street.
Harry is out on the sidewalk with the bellman. They have the bags stacked on a cart. I follow them into the hotel. By the time we get there, Joselyn is engaged in animated conversation with the desk clerk, a young man she seems to have charmed.
“What did I tell you?” says Harry. “Send a pretty woman to deal with a Frenchman, you get smiles and French bullshit. You and me, we just get the bullshit.”
As we approach, Joselyn turns and says: “Hi, guys. I’d like you to meet Michel.”
“Bonjour!” says the guy behind the desk. “Comment vous appelez-vous?” He looks at me, waiting for a reply.
I stand there like a potted plant.
He looks at Joselyn, then back at me. “Parlez-vous francais?”
I shake my head. “No.”
“No parlez-vous?”
“No.”
The clerk rips up the registration card he had already started and throws it at me.
“Now you’ve done it,” says Joselyn.
The clerk sprays us with a stream of French I suspect is laced with profanities. Then he points toward the door. “Sortez! Get out!” He motions for us to take our bags and leave.
I stand there like a jackass, foot in my mouth.
“All he wanted was your name,” says Joselyn. “Tell him your name, stupid!” Joselyn is staring at me, hands on her hips.
“Enough of this shit,” says Harry. “Let’s get out of here.”
“PAUL, my name is Paul. Paul Madriani.” I’m ready to genuflect, crawl on my hands and knees. All I want is a room.
The clerk looks me up and down, weighing whether to toss us into the street or try again. Slowly he pulls another card as he looks at me with contempt. He writes something on it. I’m guessing it’s my name.
“You better answer the next question correctly or we’re going to have to start all over again looking for another hotel,” says Joselyn. “I don’t know about you, but I’m tired.”
“You didn’t tell me you spoke French.”
“I don’t. Mike here is from Colorado. He attends the university in Boulder.”
I look at her.
She starts to laugh.
The clerk starts to break up.
A few seconds later the two of them are belly laughing all over the counter.
“Very funny!” I tell them.
“You catch the look on his face?” She is pointing at me, talking to the clerk, tears running down her cheeks, she is laughing so hard. “I thought he was going to pee in his pants.”
The clerk nods. “Sorry, mister, she made me do it.” He speaks in perfect American English. He is still laughing.
“OK, so I’ve been had.” I start to join them.
“Mike is touring Europe, working for a stint to earn money.” Joselyn is wiping her eyes; looking at me, she starts to crack up again. “Consider yourself spit on,” she says.
“I was ready to walk out,” says Harry.
“You can if you want, but I’m staying the night,” says Joselyn.
“Sorry,” says the kid. “She put me up to it. I couldn’t resist.” He laughs.
“She would.” I smile at him and shake his hand. “How long have you been working here?”
“Two months. I took a year off school to travel. Studied French in high school and college. Actually my French is not that good.”
“Could have fooled me.”
“He did,” says Joselyn. She looks at Harry and slaps him on the shoulder. “See, not everybody in Paris spits on you.”
“Easy for you to say. You still have your toes,” I tell her.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I’ll tell you later. What do we have for rooms, Mike?”
