before dawn, seeing my movements, analyzing them as a choreographer might review the sequence of steps in a dance.
To anyone not carrying the burden, hearing the shots or seeing the images of carnage on the street that morning, it might seem inane. But not to me.
I had yelled to Nick, only to be cut off by the bus as it drove between us down the street. I suppose I could blame the driver and his diesel engine, the transit authority, or the traffic. But after the bus passed, when I saw him standing there on the sidewalk next to Metz, I stopped. I could have called out again, but I didn’t. If I had and if I’d held up the device for him to see, Nick would have crossed over. He would have been standing with me on the other side of street when the shooters came by. But for my failure to act, Nick would be alive.
So why didn’t I call out? I’ve asked the question a hundred times, and every time I get the same answer: for the same reason we all dodge people we don’t like, the petty desire to avoid an uneasy moment, this one with Metz. Having spurned his case, it was more comfortable to avoid him and to return Nick’s handheld at a later time. So I slipped it into my pocket and walked away. I could not have known at that moment that a seemingly inconsequential omission-my failure to follow up, my distaste for Metz-would cost Nick Rush his life.
I’m sure any psychiatrist would tell me I was faultless. But a lawyer, a man trained to sharpen the point on guilt, might view it otherwise, as I do, as a proximate cause of death.
Survivor’s guilt, maybe. But it trumps all the other reasons for Nick’s death that I know, because it was the one I could have controlled. And until I know who shot him and why, it is certain to eat at me.
I wait a few days before I contact Dana, a respectful period, and place the call late in the afternoon. It is May, and the number may be new, but the phone system isn’t. It’s one of those voice-programmed things that give the caller options. “If you want to talk to Nick, press one. If you wish to speak to Dana, press two.” The eerie part is that the voice used to program it is something from the grave. It is Nick’s voice.
I press the number for Dana and wait for her to pick up.
It is answered by another woman, I assume a maid as Nick told me that Dana had hired one. There are intonations of a Mexican-Spanish accent.
“I will check to see if Mrs. Rush is in. Who is calling?”
“Paul Madriani.”
“One moment please.”
The phone goes to chamber music, a little NPR, as she puts me on hold. A few seconds later, the strings of Mozart are broken.
“Hello, Paul. It’s so good to hear from you.” Dana’s voice comes over the phone a bit breathless. I can visualize her flipping her pixie-style blond hair out of her eyes with a wag of her head as she speaks.
“I did want to talk with you, but I’d rather not do it over the phone. I wonder if you have time to come by the house?”
“Sure. When?”
“Can you make it this evening, say about six-thirty or seven?”
I look at my calendar. “Why not.”
“Good. I’ll look forward to it.” She hangs up.
From my office, the Cays are a skip and a jump, just a few miles from Coronado, down the Silver Strand. It is one of the more desirable locations to live, your only neighbor to the north being the navy’s amphibious training base, miles up the beach. It is close to the city for commuting. Some of the newer houses, mostly renovations, tip the scales at five million dollars a pop.
What makes it pricey is not only the vistas across the bay, but the fact that it is one of the few places left in California where you can own a private dock in your own backyard. The Cays offer direct access to the harbor and from there to the open Pacific, and some of the private pleasure craft moored here rival small cruise ships.
Dana has left my name on a list at the security kiosk out on the Strand, so when I arrive I am waved through the gate. Her place is situated on Green Turtle Cay. I have been here on a few occasions for social outings, the last being a bar association fund-raiser for some cause I do not remember.
I drive over the bridge and hang a left. The house is sheltered from the bay behind another man-made island called Grand Caribe Cay. As I pull up in front of the house, it is dusk. The view is a display of lights from across the water, the brilliance of the setting sun reflected off shimmering skyscrapers, an image of the mythical City of Oz, with the twinkle of houses in the hills behind it. I suspect it is part of the reason Nick bought the place, that and the fact that Dana tanned so well in her bikini out on the flying bridge of his boat in summer. He once told me he would lull under the giant aircraft carriers moored at the naval base on the north end of the island and watch as Dana untied the top to her bathing suit while she sunned herself lying facedown on the deck of his boat. Nick got a charge watching the sailors drool over the railings. Why have a trophy wife if you can’t enjoy it?
I step from the car, slam the door closed, and lock it. When I turn, I see Dana framed in the open doorway of the house, waiting for me. She is shoeless in dark nylons and a black dress that at the moment is well above her knees as her arms are stretched above her head bracing her lithe figure in the open door as if framing a picture.
She turns it on me as I walk up the path toward the house. Her hands remain on the doorframe as she tosses her head to one side to flip her hair from her eyes.
“God, I’m glad to see you,” she says. “I saw you at the funeral, but I just couldn’t deal with all the people.”
“I understand.”
She takes me by one hand and pecks me on the cheek. “I don’t know what I would do without friends,” she says. “You and Nathan.”
“That would be Mr. Fittipaldi?” I say.
“Emm.” She nods. “You wouldn’t believe how good he’s been.”
“How long have you known him?”
“I don’t know. A year maybe. He’s on the arts commission with me.”
“He’s a member?”
“Emm. Very influential.” She leads me into the house and closes the door behind us. “Nathan has galleries all over, in Beverly Hills, New York, Europe.” She guides me toward the living room.
“I saw his card,” I tell her. “What is it exactly that he does? I mean besides being a friend.”
She looks over her shoulder at me, the kind of sultry grin that tells me I could get on that list too. Be her friend.
“He’s in art acquisitions, for important clients. Private collectors, large museums, that sort of thing.”
“It sounds impressive.”
“He is,” she says. “But let’s not talk about that right now.”
So I turn to another topic. “How are you doing?”
“You can’t imagine. No one could,” she says, “until it happens.” Then she looks at me, hand to her mouth. “Oh, I’m sorry.”
“What for?”
“I forgot you lost your wife.” I don’t know if this is her ham-handed way of reminding me that I am available. With Dana you never know.
“Nikki died some years ago,” I tell her.
“Nikki. That was her name?”
I nod.
“Still, it was thoughtless,” she says. “What was I thinking? Of myself obviously. My mind. It’s not all there. Nick told me about it. What did she die of? I forget.”
“Cancer.”
“That’s right. And you have a daughter?”
“Sarah.”
“How old is she?”
“Fifteen.”
“Fifteen. I remember that,” she says. “What an age. And I’ll bet she steals the hearts of all the boys too.
