week later, it wasn’t female companionship he missed. He missed his son even though he’d talked to him several times on the phone. In the past, he’d always cal ed Conner when he was on the road. Always missed him and made the effort, but this time he felt a bigger tug. Spending more time with him made him miss Conner’s sil y knock-knock jokes and his drawings. He missed his questions about anything and everything, and he missed his little hugs. That night, the game against the Penguins started out badly and went straight to hel . Everything just felt off, starting with the drop of the first hinky puck. Pittsburgh dominated down the middle, and number eighty-seven, Sidney Crosby, was on fire. The kid from Nova Scotia scored a goal and an assist off bouncing pucks from Sam’s stick. He’d been so pissed off, he’d retaliated and sat out a double minor in the penalty box. During his stint in the sin bin, the Penguins scored on a five on four and won four to three.
That night, Sam boarded the jet, turned his iPod to shuffle, and stuck in his earphones. He just wanted to forget about that night’s game. He didn’t want to think about bouncing pucks and bad penalties. He real y didn’t want to think about anything. His life was easier that way. But he’d been thinking about his sister, El a, the past week or so. More than usual. Maybe because he was making an effort to spend more time with Conner. Taking on more of the responsibility for his son. The weight of that responsibility scared the hel out of him. It wasn’t a new weight. Just one he hadn’t carried in a long time.
After the death of his father, he’d become the man of the family. Responsible for his mother and sister, El a. Not financial y, not back then, but responsible. He’d taken his job seriously, or at least as seriously as a kid could. His mother had been a strong, competent woman. Stil was, but El a…
El a had been lost without her dad. Lost and empty, and Sam had fil ed the void for her. He’d looked out for her and made sure nothing bad ever happened. When he could, he’d take her to fun places. During the summer, her shiny blond ponytail was never out of his peripheral vision. And during the school year, he’d made sure she did her homework and hung out with the right kinds of kids.
At nineteen, he’d been picked up in the first round of drafts and moved nearly five hundred miles away to Edmonton. He’d visited home as much as he could, and he talked to her almost every day. When she’d turned sixteen, he’d bought her a car, and when she graduated from high school, he took her to Cancun to celebrate. That same summer, he was traded to the Maple Leafs, and El a moved with him to Toronto. She attended York University and graduated with a bachelor’s degree in education. He’d been so proud of her. She was beautiful and smart and funny, and her future was wide open. Then she met Ivan, and she changed. Not long after the two began dating, she became withdrawn and sul en and secretive. The first time he saw a bruise on her face, he caught up with Ivan at his construction job. He knocked the little shit on his ass, planted his size-fourteen shoe on the guy’s chest, and told him he’d kil him if he ever saw another bruise on El a. As a result of his interference, he saw less and less of his sister. But after a year and a half of the rol er-coaster ride that was El a and Ivan’s relationship, she final y left him. Sam moved her back home to Regina, and she lived in a smal apartment not far from their mother. Sam was relieved and ecstatic. El a got reacquainted with old friends and gradual y came back to herself. The last time he’d seen her, the old, happy, ful -of-life El a shone from her big blue eyes.
He’d been at home in Toronto when he got the cal that changed his life forever. It was June 13, and he’d just finished a round of golf with some of the guys and was sitting at his dining-room table, eating a peameal sandwich and chips that he’d picked up on the way home. He’d been halfway through his lunch when his mother had cal ed with the news that El a had been kil ed. That Ivan had traveled across Canada to find her, and when she wouldn’t get back together with him, he’d shot her, then himself. Beautiful, smart El a was dead with a bul et in her head. And one of the tragedies of it al , but certainly not the biggest, was that Ivan was dead, too, because Sam would have dearly loved to kil him. His sister was dead, and he hadn’t been able to help her. He hadn’t been there when she’d needed him most. He’d been the man of the family, but he’d failed to keep his sister safe.
The first few years after El a’s death were a nightmare. A blur of excessive partying and self-destruction. During that low point, the only time his life came into focus, the only time it made any sort of sense, was on the ice. Fighting it out. Working his guilt out on whoever dared to skate across his personal piece of real estate. Off the ice, he’d backed away from anything that resembled taking on the responsibility for anyone but himself. He could only take care of Sam, and sometimes, he royal y fucked that up.
He’d hooked up with Autumn on the anniversary of El a’s death. A real low point. A point where he’d felt the huge hole his sister had left behind. Nothing had fil ed that hole, but for those few days in Vegas, he’d given it one hel of a try. He’d binged on booze and sex. He didn’t recal a whole lot about that time, but he did know that for a few short days, he hadn’t felt so goddamn empty. He’d fil ed up with a redheaded girl with dark green eyes. There’d been something about her, something that had made him pursue her like she could save him from himself. Then he’d woken up married, hungover, and sober for the first time since arriving in Nevada.
These days, he no longer felt the need to fil the void with booze and random women. The void was stil there. Nothing could ever replace a sister. She would always be the missing part of his family, but he was no longer so self-destructive. The women in his life weren’t random. No more rink bunnies and hockey groupies, but neither were they long-term. He always kept that part of his life separate from his life with his son. At least he thought he had until Conner mentioned that photograph of him pouring beer on bikini models. Conner was old enough to be affected by Sam’s life. Old enough to know his dad had time for other people but not for him.
He’d always felt Conner was safer with Autumn. That she would do a lot better job of taking care of him than Sam would. That was probably stil true, but Conner needed him, too. Not some guy he saw in sports clips and on occasional weekends. His son needed him to step up. The jet engines slowed as it prepared to descend into Seattle. It was about 3:00 A.M. Saturday morning, and Sam looked out at the lights below. He planned to sleep for about the next ten hours, then some of the guys were going to meet downtown to judge a Hal oween contest. When he’d talked to Conner earlier, he’d learned that his son had decided to dress up as a hockey player. A Chinook hockey player like his dad. He wouldn’t mind seeing Conner wearing a sweater with Sam’s number on it, but Hal oween wasn’t his holiday, and Autumn was a real stickler about holiday visitation. Normal y, he might just risk showing up and incurring the wrath of Autumn, but after the night he’d dropped Conner off home after the game, they’d been getting along. Although
He’d see Conner the day after Hal oween. Maybe take him to that arcade he liked so much. Spending more time with his son was important to him, but getting more serious about his son’s life didn’t mean he had to give up other things on his free nights. Things like hanging out in a bar fil ed with slutty Snow Whites and naughty nurses.
“Vince?”
“Yeah?”
Through the dark Hal oween night, Autumn watched Conner run between the flickering lights of jack-o’-lanterns and knock on the door of a neighbor a few blocks from their house. A candy bag in one hand, a Chinooks’ jersey over his coat. “Do you think I’m man-repel ent?”
“What?” Vince looked down at her. “What’s that?”
“A few weeks ago, Shiloh said I act like I’ve sprayed myself with man repel ant?”
Conner ran toward them, the black eye she’d drawn on him a little smeared, but his red scar stil stuck to his cheek. “I got some Nerds.”
“What does that mean?” Conner ran up toward another door decorated with a spider.
“It means you’re a mother and a businesswoman. You have a lot going on and a lot going for you.”
“Yes, but I’d like to think men find me attractive. That I’m more than a mother and a businesswoman.”
He hooked his arm round her neck. “You’re a beautiful woman, and if you wanted a man in your life, you’d have one.”
She and Vince had always been close, even when he’d been away, but he was also her brother and would lie to spare her feelings. “You real y think so?”
“Yeah, but don’t hang out in bars to meet men. That didn’t work out so wel the last time you tried it.”
Autumn laughed. “True.” They rounded a corner and, from half a block away, she saw a red trunk parked next to Vince’s Harley in her driveway
