‘No, I’m not likely to do that. I shouldn’t wonder if I’m away for some time, though—perhaps a couple of years.’
‘Years!’ she exclaimed in astonishment.
He laughed.
‘That startles you. I shan’t be back in time for your wedding, you see.’
She sobbed again, averting her face.
‘I shan’t ever be married. I’m one of those wretched things nobody ever cares for.’
‘You’ll have to show you deserve it. Why, you couldn’t give your word and keep it for two years.’
Through this extraordinary scene Dagworthy was utterly unlike himself. It was as if a man suffering physical agony should suddenly begin to jest and utter wild mirth; there was the same unreality in his behaviour. Throughout it all the lines of his face never lost their impress of gloom. Misery had its clutch upon him, and he was driven by an inexplicable spirit of self-mockery to burlesque the subject of his unhappiness. He had no sense of responsibility, and certain instincts were strongly excited, making a kind of moral intoxication.
Jessie answered his question with wide eyes.
‘I couldn’t?—Ah!’
She spoke under her breath, and with sincerity which was not a little amusing.
‘It’s New Year’s Eve, isn’t it?’ Dagworthy pursued, throwing out his words at random. ‘Be here this day two years—or not, as you like. I’m going to wander about, but I shall be here on that day—that is, if I’m alive. You won’t though. Good-bye.’
He turned away from her, and went to the ‘window. Jessie moved a little nearer.
‘Do you mean that?’ she asked.
‘Mean it?’ he repeated, ‘why, yes, as much as I mean anything. Be off; you’re keeping that poor devil in the snow.’
‘Mr. Dagworthy, I shall be here, and you daren’t pretend to forget, or to say you weren’t in earnest.’
He laughed and waved his hand.
‘Be off to your carriage!’
Jessie moved to the door reluctantly; but he did not turn again, and she departed.
CHAPTER XIX
THE COMPLETION OF MISCHANCE
Upon Emily had fallen silence. The tongue which for three months had incessantly sounded in her ears, with its notes of wailing, of upbraiding, of physical pain, of meaningless misery, was at rest for ever. As she stood beside the grave—the grave whose earth had not had time to harden since it received her father—she seemed still to hear that feeble, querulous voice, with its perpetual iteration of her own name; the casting of clay upon the coffin made a sound not half so real. Returning home, she went up to the bedroom with the same hurried step with which she had been wont to enter after her brief absences. The bed was vacant; the blind made the air dim; she saw her breath rise before her.
There remained but a little servant-girl, who, coming to the sitting-room to ask about meals, stood crying with her apron held to her eyes. Emily spoke to her almost with tender kindness. Her own eyes had shed but few tears; she only wept on hearing those passages read which, by their promise of immortal life, were to her as mockery of her grief. She did not venture to look into the grave’s mouth she dreaded lest there might be visible some portion of her father’s coffin.
Mrs. Baxendale, the Cartwrights, and one or two other friends had attended the funeral. At Emily’s request no one accompanied her home. Mrs. Baxendale drove her to the door, and went on to Dunfield.
The last link with the past was severed—almost, it seemed, the last link with the world. A sense of loneliness grew about her heart; she lived in a vast solitude, whither came faintest echoes of lamentation, the dying resonance of things that had been. It could hardly be called grief, this drawing off of the affections, this desiccation of the familiar kindnesses which for the time seemed all her being. She forced herself to remember that the sap of life would flow again, that love would come back to her when the hand of death released her from its cruel grip; as yet she could only be sensible of her isolation, her forlorn oneness. It needs a long time before the heart can companion only with memories. About its own centre it wraps such warm folds of kindred life. Tear these away, how the poor heart shivers in its nakedness.
She was alone. It no longer mattered where she lived, for her alliances henceforth were only of the spirit. She must find some sphere in which she could create for herself a new activity, for to sit in idleness was to invite dread assaults. The task of her life was an inward one, but her nature was not adapted to quiescence, and something must replace the task which had come to an end by her mother’s death. Already she had shaped plans, and she dared not allow needless time to intervene before practically pursuing them.
In the evening of that day Mrs. Baxendale again came to Banbrigg. She found Emily with writing materials before her. Her object in coming was to urge Emily to quit this lonely house.
‘Come and stay with me,’ she entreated. ‘You shall be as unmolested as here; no one but myself shall ever come near you. Emily, I cannot go home and sleep with the thought of you here alone.’
‘You forget,’ Emily replied, ‘that I have in reality lived alone for a long time; I do not feel it as you imagine. No, I must stay here, but not for long. I shall at once find a teacher’s place again.’
‘That is your intention?’
‘Yes. I shall sell the furniture, and ask the landlord to find another tenant as soon as possible. But till I go away I wish to live in this house.’
Mrs. Baxendale knew that Emily’s projects were not to be combated like a girl’s idle fancies. She did not persevere, but let sad silence be her answer.
