Hard Candy

'Why now?'

'You re mine. Remember what I told you? I ate your blood, I swallowed your seed. You're in me.'

'I'm nobody's,' I told her.

Witches hear only their own chants. 'I told that evil old man. I told him I'd never let him hurt you. The last time he talked to me, he whined…like the coward he is. Said the don wanted it done. But I know. It's him.'

'It doesn't matter who.'

'It does. If the boss goes down, Julio's still here. And he'll still want you.'

'So you want…'

'A trade. I'll tell you where the don's holed up. And you do Julio. Yes?'

'I thought…'

'Don't you sneer at me! Don't be better than me. You want to do it. You think I don't read the papers? I paid you to get Scotty's picture back. You did that. But the man who did it to him…that pervert in the clown suit…they said they found him with a broken neck. You did that. You're a cold man. A cold man, afraid of my fire.'

'You're wrong, Jina. Wrong all over the lot.'

Her eyes fired, flickered, glazed over. Singsong witch's chant. 'Strega. Strega when you call my name. It's Strega who'll do this for you. Not Jina. Jina's a nice girl. You don't want a nice girl.'

'I don't want you.'

She licked her lips. 'Prove it. Sit in your chair.'

'For what?'

'For what you want.'

'I want the address.'

'Me first.'

Bitch. I sat in the chair. Watched her curl herself around my legs, the T-shirt riding up to her waist, strip of blood-red silk between her thighs. She bent forward, the red silk a thong between her buttocks. Her hand on my zipper. Raspy, hard sound. 'Mine,' she said, thrusting her hand inside. Nobody home. She made a noise in her throat, took my softness between her lips, licking, making sounds to herself, speaking in tongues. A stirring in the softness but…nothing. Teeth nipped at the head of my cock, lips sliding over the shaft, sucking. Dead. As dead as Belle. I thought if it ever happened to me, I'd die a bit. It felt like winning.

She gave it up after a couple of minutes. Eyes focused hard now, watching my face. 'Why?'

'I don't know- it's just gone.'

'Is this the first time?'

I don't know what made me tell the truth. 'No.'

'Did something happen to you?'

'Yeah.'

'You got hurt?'

'Yeah.'

'Is it going to get better?'

'I don't know. I don't…'

'Care?'

'I don't even know that.'

She pulled the zipper up, roughly. 'It won't last. I know. I don't care what any doctor says. Don't be…'

'Don't be what? Depressed? Depressed is finding out you're a diabetic. I found out I can't get insulin, you understand?'

'You're not scared.' It wasn't a question.

'No.'

'You were the last time.'

'I know.'

'You think that's what did it…if you were scared again?'

'I. Just. Don't. Know. Okay?'

'Okay.' Her eyes looked wet- it must have been the light in that white room.

I got up to go. 'Give me the address.'

'I don't have it.'

'You…

'I think I know where he is. But I have to be sure, okay? You can't go twice. Once it happens, they'll know it came from me.'

'It could come from anybody. Their own outfit is lousy with rats.'

'What about our deal?'

'I sat in the chair.'

'I know. I know there's things you can't fake. Especially you. That's not what I mean. Julio.'

'Spell it out.'

'You have to do them both.'

'When will you have the address?'

'Tomorrow, next day. Soon. Couple of days at most. I swear.'

'Okay.'

She walked downstairs with me, kicking off the spike heels, padding along on the carpet. She stood a step above me. Bent down and kissed me on the lips. Sweet. No biting into me. No witch-fire. She turned to go back upstairs, watching me over her shoulder. I flashed on Candy and years ago. Something stirred. It died when I remembered Candy had never kissed me goodbye when we were kids.

99

DRIVING HOME, my black &white eyes were still working, but the images were reversed. Inside out. Inverted. For me, playing it safe wasn't playing- it was my life. I couldn't find the controls- nothing was where it had been. Terror said it was my partner, but I didn't have my old pal Fear to keep the nerve-endings sharp. Strega the witch was back in my life. Liars gave me their word, sociopaths gave me their trust. Dead people in my zone- some didn't know it yet. Some had my address. Users wanted my blood and vultures waited for my flesh. And I couldn't work up the adrenaline to get off the killing floor. Get off the track before the train came. It wasn't just my cock that wouldn't work. I didn't know if I was lost or gone. In the ground, with Belle.

Freaks use pornography on kids to desensitize them. Break down their natural resistance. Make them think this is the way things are. Drop the thresholds until they can step over them.

Maybe lies and loss work like that too. They don't take your soul, but they made it not worth fighting over.

Like when you're hijacking. You know you're going back to prison, you just don't know when.

It didn't seem so hard to find a way out. Just hard to give a fuck.

100

IN PRISON, I used to make lists. In my head. Draw a bright line down the middle of my mind. Pro and con. The two things I wanted to be.

Some fights you can't get in shape for. I was only in prison with Wesley one time. We kept missing each other on the exchanges. I heard he even went in the Army for a while- when Vietnam was hot and heavy and the judges would give you a pass if you enlisted. There was another guy in the joint with us at the same time. Dayton was his name. A gorilla. Iron-freak. He muscled off the weaker ones, did bodywork for the gangsters. Good time. He didn't seem to give a fuck, but he survived. A life charmed by strength and stupidity. I don't remember how he got into the dispute with Wesley, but I was on the yard with the Prof when it kicked off.