'ALEXANDER PORTNOY, FOR DEGRADING THE HUMANITY OF MARY JANE REED TWO NIGHTS RUNNING IN ROME, AND FOR OTHER CRIMES TOO NUMEROUS TO MENTION INVOLVING THE EXPLOITATION OF HER CUNT, YOU ARE SENTENCED TO A TERRIBLE CASE OF IMPOTENCE. ENJOY YOURSELF.' 'But, Your Honor, she is of age, after all, a consenting adult-' 'DON'T BULLSHIT ME WITH LEGALISMS, PORTNOY. YOU KNEW RIGHT FROM WRONG. YOU KNEW YOU WERE DEGRADING ANOTHER HUMAN BEING. AND FOR THAT, WHAT YOU DID AND HOW YOU DID IT, YOU ARE JUSTLY SENTENCED TO A LIMP DICK. GO FIND ANOTHER WAY TO HURT A PERSON.' 'But if I may, Your Honor, she was perhaps somewhat degraded before I met her. Need I say more than ' Las Vegas '?' 'OH, WONDERFUL DEFENSE, JUST WONDERFUL. GUARANTEED TO SOFTEN THE COURT'S JUDGMENT. THAT'S HOW WE TREAT UNFORTUNATES, EH, COMMISSIONER? THAT'S GIVING A PERSON THE OPPORTUNITY TO BE DIGNIFIED AND HUMAN ACCORDING TO YOUR DEFINITION? SON OF A BITCH!' 'Your Honor, please, if I may approach the bench-what after all was I doing but just trying to have… well, what?… a little fun, that's all.' 'OH, YOU SON OF A BITCH!' Well, why, damn it, can’t I have some fun! Why is the smallest thing I do for pleasure immediately illicit-while the rest of the world rolls laughing in the mud! Pig? She ought to see the charges and complaints that are filed in my office in a single hatred! For dough! For power! For spite! For nothing! What they put a shvartze through to get a mortgage on a home! A man wants what my father used to call an umbrella for a rainy day-and you ought to see those pigs go to work on him! And I mean the real pigs, the pros! Who do you think got the banks to begin to recruit Negroes and Puerto Ricans for jobs in this city, to send personnel people to interview applicants in Harlem? To do that simple thing? This pig, lady-Portnoy! You want to talk pigs, come down to the office, take a look through my In basket any morning of the week, I'll show you pigs! The things that other men do-and get away with! And with never a second thought! To inflict a wound upon a defenseless person makes them smile, for Christ's sake, gives a little lift to their day! The lying, the scheming, the bribing, the thieving-the larceny, Doctor, conducted without batting an eye. The indifference! The total moral indifference! They don't come down from the crimes they commit with so much as a case of indigestion! But me, I dare to steal a slightly unusual kind of a hump, and while away on my vacation-and now I can't get it up! I mean, God forbid I should tear the tag from my mattress that says, 'Do Not Remove Under Penalty of Law' -what would they give me for that, the chair? It makes me want to scream, the ridiculous disproportion of the guilt! May I? Will that shake them up too much out in the waiting room? Because that's maybe what I need most of all, to howl. A pure howl, without any more words between me and it! 'This is the police speaking. You're surrounded, Portnoy. You better come on out and pay your debt to society.' 'Up society's ass, Copper!' 'Three to come out with those hands of yours up in the air. Mad Dog, or else we come in after you, guns blazing. One.' 'Blaze, you bastard cop, what do I give a shit? I tore the tag off my mattress-' 'Two.' '-But at least while I lived, I lived big!'
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!!!!!
So [said the doctor]. Now vee may perhaps to begin Yes?
