With such a charming turn-up nose,
And lovely reddish hair.
‘Tis there she stands from morn till night,
Her customers to please,
And to appease their appetite
She sells them beans and peas.
Attracted by the glances from
The apple of her eye,
And by her Chili apples, too,
Each passer-by will buy.
She stands upon her little feet
Throughout the livelong day,
And sells her celery and things—
A big feat, by the way.
She changes off her stock for change,
Attending to each call;
And when she has but one beet left,
She says, “Now, that beats all.”
As to puns in conversation, my only fear is that they are too generally indulged in. Only one of this sort can be allowed, and that from the highest lady in the land, who is distinguished for culture and good sense, as well as wit. A friend said to her as she was leaving Buffalo for Washington: “I hope you will hail from Buffalo.”
“Oh, I see you expect me to hail from Buffalo and reign in Washington,” said the quick-witted sister of our President.
In epigrams there is little to offer. But as it is stated that “women cannot achieve a well-rounded epigram,” a few specimens must be produced.
Jane Austen has left two on record. The first was suggested by reading in a newspaper the marriage of a Mr. Gell to Miss Gill, of Eastborne.
“At Eastborne, Mr. Gell, from being perfectly well,
Became dreadfully ill for love of Miss Gill;
So he said, with some sighs, ‘I’m the slave of your iis;
Oh, restore, if you please, by accepting my ees.’”
The second is on the marriage of a middle-aged flirt with a Mr. Wake, whom gossips averred she would have scorned in her prime.
“Maria, good-humored and handsome and tall,
For a husband was at her last stake;
And having in vain danced at many a ball,
Is now happy to jump at a Wake.”
It was Lady Townsend who said that the human race was divided into men, women, and
When some one said of a lady she must be in spirits, for she lives with Mr. Walpole, “Yes,” replied Lady Townsend, “spirits of hartshorn.”
Walpole, caustic and critical, regarded this lady as undeniably witty.
It was Hannah More who said: “There are but two bad things in this world—sin and bile.”
Miss Thackeray quotes several epigrammatic definitions from her friend Miss Evans, as:
“A privileged person: one who is so much a savage when thwarted that civilized persons avoid thwarting him.”
“A musical woman: one who has strength enough to make much noise and obtuseness enough not to mind it.”
“Ouida” has given us some excellent examples of epigram, as:
“A pipe is a pocket philosopher, a truer one than Socrates, for it never asks questions. Socrates must have been very tiresome, when one thinks of it.”
“Dinna ye meddle, Tam; it’s niver no good a threshin’ other folks’ corn; ye allays gits the flail agin’ i’ yer own eye somehow.”
“Epigrams are the salts of life; but they wither up the grasses of foolishness, and naturally the grasses hate to be sprinkled therewith.”
“A man never is so honest as when he speaks well of himself. Men are always optimists when they look inward, and pessimists when they look round them.”
“Nothing is so pleasant as to display your worldly wisdom in epigram and dissertation, but it is a trifle tedious to hear another person display theirs.”
“When you talk yourself you think how witty, how original, how acute you are; but when another does so, you are very apt to think only, ‘What a crib from Rochefoucauld!’”
