The Wit of Women

Looking back as long as you please,

You would find, if you read my story all,

There were kittens from time immemorial.

“But what am I now? A cat bereft,

Of all my kittens, but one is left.

I make no charges, but this I ask,—

What made such a splurge in the waste-water cask?

You are quite tender-hearted. Oh, not a doubt!

But only suppose old Black Pond could speak out.

Oh, bother! don’t mutter excuses to me:

Qui facit per alium facit per se.”

“Well, Kitty, I think full enough has been said,

And the best thing for you is go straight back to bed.

A very fine pass

Things have come to, my lass,

If men must be meek

While pussy-cats speak

Great moral reflections in Latin and Greek!”

—_Our Young Folks._

CHAPTER X.

PARODIES—REVIEWS—CHILDREN’S POEMS—COMEDIES BY WOMEN—A DRAMATIC TRIFLE—A STRING OF FIRECRACKERS.

It is surprising that we have so few comedies from women. Dr. Doran mentions five Englishwomen who wrote successful comedies. Of these, three are now forgotten; one, Aphra Behn, is remembered only to be despised for her vulgarity. She was an undoubted wit, and was never dull, but so wicked and coarse that she forfeited all right to fame.

Susanna Centlivre left nineteen plays full of vivacity and fun and lively incident. The Bold Stroke for a Wife is now considered her best. The Basset Table is also a superior comedy, especially interesting because it anticipates the modern blue-stocking in Valeria, a philosophical girl who supports vivisection, and has also a prophecy of exclusive colleges for women.

There is nothing worthy of quotation in any of these comedies. Some sentences from Mrs. Centlivre’s plays are given in magazine articles to prove her wit, but we say so much brighter things in these days that they must be considered stale platitudes, as:

“You may cheat widows, orphans, and tradesmen without a blush, but a debt of honor, sir, must be paid.”

“Quarrels, like mushrooms, spring up in a moment.”

“Woman is the greatest sovereign power in the world.”

Hans Andersen in his Autobiography mentions a Madame von Weissenthurn, who was a successful actress and dramatist. Her comedies are published in fourteen volumes. In our country several comedies written by women, but published anonymously, have been decided hits. Mrs. Verplanck’s Sealed Instructions was a marked success, and years ago Fashion, by Anna Cora Mowatt, had a remarkable run. By the way, those roaring farces, Belles of the Kitchen and Fun in a Fog, were written for the Vokes family by an aunt of theirs. And I must not forget to state that Gilbert’s Palace of Truth was cribbed almost bodily from Madame de Genlis’s “Tales of an Old Castle.” Mrs. Julia Schayer, of Washington, has given us a domestic drama in one act, entitled Struggling Genius.

STRUGGLING GENIUS.

Dramatis Personae.

MRS. ANASTASIUS.

GIRL OF TEN YEARS.

GIRL OF TWO YEARS.

MR. ANASTASIUS.

GIRL OF EIGHT YEARS.

INFANT OF THREE MONTHS.

ACT I.

SCENE I. NURSERY.

[_Time, eight o’clock A.M. In the background nurse making bed, etc.; Girl of Two amusing herself surreptitiously with pins, buttons, scissors, etc.; Girl of Eight practising piano in adjoining room; Mrs. A. in foreground performing toilet of infant. Having lain awake half the preceding night wrestling with the plot of a new novel for which rival publishers are waiting with outstretched hands (full of checks), Mrs. A. believes she has hit upon an effective scene, and burns to commit it to paper. Washes infant with feverish haste._]

Mrs. A. (_soliloquizing_). Let me see! How was it? Oh! “Olga raised her eyes with a sweetly serious expression. Harold gazed moodily at her calm face. It was not the expression that he longed to see there. He would have preferred to see—” Good gracious, Maria! That child’s mouth is full of buttons! “He would have preferred—preferred—” (_Loudly._) Leonora! That F’s to be sharped! There, there, mother’s sonny boy! Did mamma drop the soap into his mouth instead of the wash-bowl? There, there! (_Sings._) “There’s a land that is fairer than this,” etc.

[_Infant quiet._

Mrs. A. (_resuming_). “He would have preferred—preferred—” Maria, don’t you see that child has got the scissors? “He would have—” There now, let mamma put on its little socks. Now it’s all dressed so nice and clean. Don’ty ky! No, don’ty! Leonora! Put more accent on the first beat. “Harold gazed moodily into—” His bottle, Maria! Quick! He’ll scream himself into fits!

[_Exit nurse. Baby having got both fists into his mouth beguiles

himself into quiet._