“It’s not—Tonight was fine.” I had the strange impulse to stand and go to where he sat, to comfort him. Surely this would have been unwise? “I know you used cocaine in Princeton with Dennis Goshen,” I said. “Holly told me. Or taking Shannon to a bar last week—I just—There are decisions you make that I can’t live with. I can’t be responsible for you, and if I’m your wife, I feel responsible. I’m terrified that you’re going to hurt someone, either yourself or someone else, and it’s going to destroy our lives. I know what that’s like, and it’s awful, and the worst part is that you’ll make a mistake that can be prevented. That sickens me—the thought of you drinking a bunch of whiskey and getting in your car, it literally makes me nauseated, Charlie. I don’t want to be around it, and I don’t want Ella to, either.”
“So you’re not just leaving me, you’re taking our daughter with you?”
“I thought initially—” Was he going to fight me on this? “I’m going to my mother’s tomorrow,” I said. “I thought Ella could come. It seems reasonable with your work schedule.”
“I’m about to have a lot more flexibility.”
I swallowed. “If I take Ella to my mother’s, it can be like a trip, a vacation. We won’t have to tell her anything yet. I don’t want to unnecessarily disrupt her life or make her feel as if things are unstable. But you and I need to spend some time apart. Isn’t that obvious to you, too?”
Charlie was silent, and then he said, “You ever hear of a warning signal?” I could sense his anger gathering force. “That’s how it works in school, right? Teacher puts your name on the board, you get a check mark by it,
“But Charlie—” Tears filled my eyes, and they were tears not of sadness but of frustration. I blinked them back. “That’s just it,” I said. “That’s my point. I’m
“Sure, we fight, but you never mentioned separating.”
“I’m mentioning it now.”
“Before the other night, I hadn’t done coke in years,” Charlie said. “Goshen offered me some, I did a couple lines, and honestly, Lindy, if you weren’t so freaking uptight, you might know that’s really nothing. It wasn’t going to kill me, it wasn’t going to hurt anyone else, and I’m not planning to use it again anytime soon, all right?”
“It’s not just the cocaine. It’s everything. When Megan Thayer found those magazines, I didn’t have the sense that you cared at all.”
“So now it’s my fault if I don’t worry as much as you about what other people think?”
“It’s no secret that we have different dispositions, Charlie.” I wasn’t yelling—though it was tempting to give in to rancor, no good would come of it. “For a long time, I’ve gotten a kick out of that. You have a lot of wonderful qualities, obviously, and if I didn’t think that, I wouldn’t have married you in the first place. But the whole rascally, naughty Charlie persona—I can’t stand it anymore. It’s not cute. We’re forty-two years old, and I don’t want to have to beg you to wear a tie.”
“You think I don’t respect you, is that what this is?”
I shrugged.
“There’s nobody I respect more than you.” Then he said, “I love you, Lindy,” and his voice cracked.
Again, it was difficult not to stand and comfort him. I said, “I love you, too.”
“I know I’ve tested your patience, but for Christ’s sake, we’re a family. You think Ella’ll do better coming from a broken home—”
I cut him off. “A trial separation, Charlie, that’s all I want. I want to see what it’s like to not—”
“Who’ve you told about this? Have you told Jadey?”
I hesitated. “Not really.”
“You want us to go to a shrink, we can go to a shrink. I’ll get a referral.”
“I appreciate the offer, and that’s something we can consider in the future,” I said. “For now, what I want is space.”
“Where does that leave me?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “But I’ve become very unhappy.” Then I began to cry—is it embarrassing to admit that I was moved by the simple truth of my own statement? My sobs were gulpy and undignified.
A minute passed, and when I looked at him again, he was watching me with an expression so strange that at first I had difficulty identifying it. Then I realized: He was frightened.
He said, “Fine, take Ella, but you have to promise to come back. I’ll fix what’s wrong, Lindy. I know you don’t believe me right now, but I will.”
I wiped my eyes, nodding without speaking. About this, he was right—I did not believe him.
ON OUR SECOND day in Riley, Lars drove Ella and me out to Fassbinder’s, where ten or twelve years earlier, the factory founder’s house had been converted into a cheese museum. The house was situated on the opposite side of the parking lot from the factory proper, and visitors to the museum could look through large windows and watch employees tending to vats of milk or cheese curd. You also got to sample the curds, still warm, and in the gift shop, you could buy various types of cheese as well as jellies, sausages, crackers, and little white porcelain thimbles with the Fassbinder’s logo on them. I was examining a thimble when Ella nudged up against me and whispered, “This is boring.” I shot her a look.
“I’ll bet Dorothy will enjoy this with her morning toast,” Lars said, and he held up a jar of gooseberry jam.
Beside me, Ella whined, “You said we could go swimming.” I had indeed made this promise the day before, as we were driving into town, but at breakfast, when Lars proposed a visit to the cheese factory, I hadn’t had the heart to turn him down.
