She sighs. “Honestly, Ethan, I don’t really think I can say what I want to say to you right now. It wouldn’t be a good idea.”
By the way she won’t look at me, I can tell she hates me. But I need to know what she feels. I need to know she can still feel
“Please, I know you’re mad.”
“Mad?” She clenches her jaw. “Mad is an understatement, Ethan. I’m furious.” Fresh tears start pouring from her eyes. “Do you have any idea what you did? I thought you were dead.” Her voice cracks and she buries her face in her hands. “I can’t keep watching you do this to yourself. I can’t … I can’t really object to what you do after a show, but before our biggest gig? You had to get wasted? Did you for even one second think about the rest of us before you did such a stupid thing? How much more do you think any of us can take?”
All I could think of was Tyler kissing Emme. An image I wanted to get out of my head as quickly as possible.
“I’m sorry.” That’s all I can think to say, but I know it isn’t enough. Nothing I do will ever be enough. Especially now.
Emme sits there with me for the next few hours as doctors and nurses come in. She has tears in her eyes the entire time. But neither of us says another word.
“Ethan!” My mom breaks the silence when she opens the door and runs to my bedside. “Oh, sweetie, I’m so sorry we’re just getting here now. We came as quickly as we could.” She looks up and sees Emme. “Thank you so much!” She gives Emme a hug, but Emme doesn’t respond. She just heads for the door.
“John!” Mom nudges my dad. “You’d better make sure she gets home okay. It looks like she hasn’t slept in days.”
I want to run after Emme, call after her, do something. But instead I lie here. In the bed that I made for myself out of self-pity and self-destruction.
One week.
That’s how long I’m away from school. Away from the band. Away from Emme.
Everybody comes to visit me — Jack, Chloe, Ben, Mr. North, even Kelsey — but I don’t hear from Emme.
I head into class with my arm in a cast and sling.
“Welcome back, Mr. Quinn,” Mr. North says to me as I settle into my seat.
“The prodigal jackass returns!” Jack says with a laugh.
Jack and Ben both seemed to have accepted my apologies for my behavior. I know Jack likes to have yet another thing to pick on me for.
“Oh, nice sparkly white teeth, Toothy McGee.”
My tongue runs over the caps that were put on the teeth that I broke. If only there were caps to fix everything in life.
Emme walks into class and gives me a halfhearted smile as she sits down.
“Hey,” I say to her.
She nods at me.
Mr. North gives us the hour to go over our pieces for next week’s concert. The one where I’m supposed to do a killer guitar solo.
Jack gets right to it. “We obviously have a problem with old gimpy here.”
Mr. North pulls up a chair beside us. “Listen, guys, we still want you to perform. I discussed with the other department directors, and we are fine if you want to pull a guitar student from the junior class to perform with you.”
Jack and Ben start going over different guitarists to fill in for me.
Emme speaks up. “I’m going to do the solo.”
“What?” Jack looks surprised.
I smile.
“Find someone to fill in for my rhythm part. I’m going to do the solo.”
“Red! That’s my girl! Although, I don’t mean to doubt you, but it’s pretty hard.”
Emme glares at Jack. “I can do it.”
And the way she says it, there is no question at all that she can.
I’m waiting for Emme at her locker after class.
“I’d say that I don’t mean to stalk you, but …”
She doesn’t look surprised to see me, but she doesn’t look pleased, either.
“What’s up?” she asks.
I didn’t think she was going to acknowledge my existence, so I don’t really have a plan.
“We still need to record some more songs for our thesis projects. I wanted to see when, ah, you wanted to come over.”
She stares at my sling. “Can you really work the soundboard with your arm?”
“I’m willing to try.”
She lets out a small sigh. “I don’t know….”
“Please.” I feel the desperation seep into my voice and I don’t care. I need to fix this. I need Emme. I hate myself so much right now, probably more than she hates me. If that’s even possible.
She nods to herself a bit, apparently weighing the pros and cons.
“Hey, guys. Welcome back, Ethan!” Tyler approaches us and I try to look happy to see him. Okay, maybe not happy, but I try to push down the murderous rage I feel inside.
I hold Emme’s gaze as Tyler stands between us, looking back and forth, waiting to be acknowledged. Then the corner of Emme’s mouth turns up slightly and she tilts her head at me. She looks at Tyler and grabs him by the shirt and kisses him. Hard.
I’ve never been so jealous of a person (or shirt) in my life.
“Hi,” she says as she pushes him away.
His eyes are wide. Clearly not the hello he was expecting.
She can hardly look me in the eye when she finally addresses me. “Yeah, I guess I could come over later. I’ll call you.”
She and Tyler leave hand in hand.
I feel sick to my stomach.
But I deserve that and so much more.
Emme does come over as promised. But instead of heading to the studio, she sits down on the couch in our living room.
“I’m pretty mad at you, Ethan.”
“I know.”
She starts playing with the tie that’s on her shirt. “But that doesn’t excuse me from not returning your phone calls or visiting you while you were out.”
I don’t even know what to say.
She continues. “I don’t know. I felt like I needed to get back at you for what you did. Which is why I made a total fool out of myself today with Tyler in front of you. But I don’t really think there is anything that I can do to make you realize what you’ve done. I want to move on from all of this.”
“I’ll do anything to make you not hate me.”
“I don’t hate you.”
Part of me doesn’t believe her, although I desperately want to.
I sit down next to her and take her hand. “Emme, I will do everything possible to make this up to you, I promise.”
She doesn’t respond. She slowly pulls her hand away. “There’s something I want to show you.” She takes out her phone and hands it to me.
I see an e-mail from Juilliard telling her she’s been invited to audition in February.
