The Brooklyn Rules

That was the thing with Jake, he was smart. He knew the best approach, the way to hold the mirror up to my vanity so that I'd fix his 'situation' without him ever asking for help. And man, did I jump. I jumped like Dr. J picking C-notes off the top of the backboard.

Let me slow up some, because it would be a lie to say the whole thing started at the Cinderella or that I swallowed the bait in one chomp. No. It began two weeks prior when I called Jake from the road, Milwaukee as I remember, to see how the man was faring. Now as I look back, it seems clear what he was up to. That's just too bad for me. Some people like the word hindsight. I prefer retrospect myself.

'Hey, Jake, what's up?'

'Nothing good. They broke into the office last night.'

'What they get?'

'Not much to speak of: the little TV, fifty bucks in loose change, one of my cell phones.'

'How they get in?'

'Crowbarred the side door, bent up in half. But they ain't a bunch of rocket scientists. I called that cell number and the dummy picked up. Let's just say him and me had an interesting conversation.'

'You called the cops?'

'Absolutely. We're getting the cell records and the cops are going to pay a visit to every local number that moron called. Can't wait till they haul his bee-hind in. I'm going to sit in the front row at his trial and laugh at him. In the meantime, I had an alarm put in.'

'Okay, bro, you take care and I'll call you when I get back into town.'

That was it, a simple burglary. Perfectly believable, nothing suspicious, but even now I feel like I missed something. It's what I missed that I can't figure out. Then, when I got back home, came the beers at Cinderella's. Man, it didn't take him but five minutes to suck me in and all he had to do was look put upon.

'What's with you, Jake? You acting all distracted and bothered.'

'The women, man, they're getting to me. It's like I can't breathe no more.'

'The wife?'

'Both. It's bad enough my wife makes me want to cut my own throat, but now I got this other ball and chain. Nothing I give her is never enough. I been trying to hint to her for more than a year now. I treat her bad, don't call her, but she won't let go. She just won't let go.'

'And you can't risk being straight with her cause you're afraid if you hurt her too bad, she'll go right to your wife.'

'See, man, I knew you'd understand. You always get stuff without me having to explain it to y'all. I'll never get involved with no divorced woman again. She all gun shy, if you know what I'm saying. She been hurt once and don't want to go there again. There's just no dealing with her.'

'She want you to leave your wife?'

'She says no, but she's always wanting more. That's the weird thing. On the one hand, she don't wanna be responsible for breaking up a marriage. Cause, like I say, she got hurt herself. On the other hand, I can't never give her enough. Either way, I can't win. And just lately she tells me about how her crazy-jealous ex-husband been sniffing around again. Hey, it's one thing I got to contend with her, but I didn't bargain for no jealous ex. Keeps getting worse and worse. Man, I just got to find a way to get her to cut me loose. But just like you say, I hurt her bad enough, no guarantee she won't go to my wife to get back at me.'

Bang! The solution popped right into my head the way it always does. There are just some gifts God gives you that you wish you could return after Christmas. You're right, I know it, I didn't have to say nothing. I could've kept my yap shut, let Jake deal with his own mess, but there's that vanity of mine.

'This woman, the one you been trying to get to cut you loose, she know about the break-in at the yard?'

'Uh huh, she knows. Why you ask?' Jake wondered, all wide-eyed and innocent-like.

'She know about the cell phone?'

'Yeah. Had to tell her. It's the one she always calls me on.'

I didn't have to look in the bar mirror to feel that self-satisfied grin on my face. 'Man, I do this you're gonna owe me. All you gotta do is follow along and I'll saw right through that ball and chain like it was butter.'

'How's that?'

The plan was simple. I would go to a payphone in the town Jake lived. I'd call his girl's cell phone number, wait till she picked up, said hello, and hang up. She call back, I'd pick up and slam the phone down in the cradle. I'd do it for a few days in a row, making sure that Jake was at work. This way if she suspected it was him and called the office number, he'd be there. The second step was the charm, but only if Jake could play it cool. I was a little worried about that. What an idiot I was to worry.

Just like I said for him to do, he took his family up to their timeshare chalet in the Poconos for a few days. Nothing unusual in that. Jake does that stuff once or twice a year. The delicate part came next. Everything, as far as the plan working, hinged on this next part and for it Jake was on his own. Didn't stop me from writing a script for him, even filling in stage directions. I guessed at her responses. Like I said, I needn't have worried.

Jake (whisper): It's me.

Girlfriend: Jake! What are you whispering for?

Jake (whisper): Listen, I don't have much time. I snuck out of the cabin for a few minutes. I made an excuse about running to the store for beer.

Girlfriend: What is it? What's wrong?

Jake (louder): The damned phone company sent my cell phone records to my house instead of my office. She got hold of them.

Girlfriend: Your wife? Oh God!

Jake: Yeah, she confronted me about all the calls to your number.

Girlfriend: Oh God! What did you tell her?

Jake (nervous): That it was my driver, Tony, sneaking into the office and using the phone. He has keys to the gate and the office and she knows he's not above being, you know, sneaky.

Girlfriend: Did she believe you?

Jake (urgent): No, but it did put some doubt in her mind, enough to make her stop talking about divorce for the minute. The crucial thing here is if you get any calls from a number you don't recognize, don't pick up. No matter what, don't pick up!

I told Jake that this was the crucial part. If there was silence on the other end of the phone, he had her. Silence meant she was scared, that she had bought it. She'd be thinking about those hang-up calls she had gotten earlier in the week. My guess was, all she'd want was to get out of the relationship. Apparently, there was a whole lot of silence at the other end of the phone.

'Man,' Jake said, when I saw him the day he got back, 'you are shrewd. I did just what you told me. I underplayed it, saying how we had to back off for a while given how suspicious my wife was and how nuts her ex- husband could be.'

'And …'

''Back off,' she said. 'No, Jake. I'm sorry, but we can't see each other anymore.' I owe you, man. I owe you. When I called her from up there, you'd swear the woman was reading from your script too. She said almost everything you wrote, word for word. You're the fixer. That ball and chain almost all gone from my life.'

'Almost?'

'Yeah, almost. See, me and the lady, we exchanged some jewelry and stuff over the years that … Well, let's just say I did too good a job selling your plan. Now she wants to give this stuff back.'

'Why not just tell her to flush it?'

'Nah, man, that's just it. I tell her that, she'll think I didn't care and she'll get all suspicious-like.'

'I'll get it from her.'

Talk about hook, line, and sinker. Let me tell you something, I bit on his bait so hard, took that hook in so deep, he couldn't have thrown me in back if he wanted to. That's something else I needn't have fretted over. He wasn't going to throw me back. Throw me to the wolves … Now that was a different story altogether.

Jake called me the next day and told me where and when to meet her. He could not have been more gracious and profuse in his thanks. I was the King Fixer, Sultan of Solutions, Maharajah of Manipulation, Lord of the … You get the picture. Hell, after that phone call, my head was so big it tilted to one side. So I didn't get suspicious when